trigger warning — please don't comment on how triggering this book is to you. it just makes me feel worse and i'm already putting out an apology; i'm sorry for triggering you.

//\\

—i can't remember a time where i loved myself after i ate.

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yoongi sat at the dining table, staring at the two empty bowls of sugary cereal, a half-eaten tub of ice cream, five wrappers of hershey's chocolate bars, three ramen noodle bowls - all completely eaten - and three cans of coke bottles all fully empty besides the last one, which only had a third of the soda left.

his stomach was fully extended and he was feeling absolutely disgusting. he was disappointed in himself. he hadn't ate since monday, which was three days ago, but he had been starving...and was compelled to start eating. it started off with one bowl of cereal, then two, then the chocolate bars, the noodles, the coke, and finally the ice cream.

he continued to scoop and eat the snickers ice cream, using a big serving spoon, with tears welling up in his eyes. even though his stomach continued to protest from the amount of food in his belly, he continued to shovel it down his throat.

eating felt so good, with so many endorphins flowing to his brain. eating was good, his body said. while his mind continued to yell and plead with him; food was disgusting, he was disgusting, he'll get fat...f a t...so fat.

calories.

oh god, the amount of calories he had just ate. the cereal bowls were at least 400, and the chocolate bars had to add up to around 900. and the ramen was definitely high in calories and sodium. after this, yoongi's sure he'll be five hundred pounds and unable to  lift himself up out of bed. and if he is actually able to do that, he'll have all the new trainees staring at him in absolute disgust.

fuck...he was so gross. so, so, gross. no amount of exercise could reverse the damage he just made on himself. he couldn't eat anything for the next five days, and even after that he could only eat small amounts of food. even purging by now would be pointless and besides, he has a really strong gag reflex and it's practically impossible to throw up.

staring at the now almost empty container of ice cream, yoongi wonders where it all went wrong. since when did he care about what he ate? about how he looked? when did he start counting calories? when did he start looking at thinspo?

fat pig

die cow

disgusting, fat piece of shit

was it when he was thirteen and his crush told him they would've dated him if he was skinnier? or was it when he was fourteen and posted a selfie with people in his grade commenting on how it was obvious that he had gained a lot of weight? or maybe it was just his whole childhood, which was full of skinny kpop idols on the tv singing and dancing, living seemingly perfect lives.

and of course he just had to be blessed with shit genetics and have a slow metabolism. god, life was really un-fucking-fair.

he just felt so hopeless.

of course he knew what he was doing to himself was ruining his body, but god...just imagining having a thigh gap, and being able to see his ribs just completely erases the worrying thoughts from his mind. when you're skinny, you're perfect. there was no way you would be able to change his mind.

and even when he finally was feeling confident about himself, something would happen where those thoughts would completely vanish. wether it was from binging or seeing skinny idols, something just had to happen where yoongi was reminding that he was a disgusting, fat, cow.

seeing the 'love yourself no matter what' and 'accept every body type' campaigns made him feel better for a split second, but then it was the same issue with everything else: he was reminded of his ever lasting fat on his body, and felt gross once again.

the tears were now openly flowing down his cheeks, plopping down on his ice cream and being soaked up into the sugary cold cream. he was a real mess, but honestly by now, crying was just a second nature. yoongi cried constantly. in his room, in the living room, the closet, the bathroom, and now in the kitchen.

to add on to all the stress and bullshit with his diet and body, yoongi was also supposed to be training. inspired by the idols on tv as a kid, he had auditioned to become a producer, wanting to be the brains behind the camera. but when offered a deal of becoming an idol or nothing, yoongi obviously chose to become an idol. he was moving to seoul in a few days and would be staying in a dorm with fellow trainees. in the back of his mind, yoongi wondered how he will survive. but now, yoongi was more focused on his bloated stomach and floaty brain.

after every binge, yoongi felt too tired to do anything and his brain was usually very numb and floaty. all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and die a slow painful death.

finally having enough of his own self-pity party, yoongi got up from his dining table and threw all his trash away and quickly finished his coke - because no you can never waste drinks or food, a constant reminder from his mom.

he lazily walked upstairs and over to his bathroom, purposely ignoring the mirror and went to brush his teeth and go to the bathroom. when he was done with that, and with one last thought of purging but finally deciding against it, yoongi went to the bedroom and closed the door.

with an eerie silence in the air, yoongi dressed himself in his pajamas. a baggy plain red sweatshirt with baggy black sweatpants, making sure his disgusting body is unable to be seen.

he is exhausted, the mental drain this day had on him being very strong. he just wants to sleep and never wake up. at least it would be a peaceful way to go and he would feel barely any pain.

yoongi crawls into bed, feeling like death. his whole house was silent; no sound whatsoever. so, he was just stuck with the hateful voices in his head telling him how disgusting he is.

with one last thought of wanting to die, and how worthless of a human he is, yoongi falls into a nightmarish sleep.

...

ah, sorry for the shit post but i really felt like relapsing into...not eating anything. it's been affecting me a lot recently...

anyways, sorry to be so depressing
: , )