1 week, 7 days, 168 hours, and 10,080 seconds--- I managed to avoid Adrian. A task that was not simple. It's as if everyone is rooting for us to kiss and make-up. 

4 days ago, Robin invited me over to his place for a movie night he was having with Ellie. When I pulled up in front of his yellow, old-fashioned house, I spotted Adrian's car parked in the driveway. I drove back home. And then when I walked into the cafeteria yesterday no one was at our usual table besides Adrian. His evergreen eyes pleaded with me. I took my lunch and ate in the library. 

Today we have literature, the only class that Adrian and I share this semester. I'm unsure of what to do. Peeking my head into the classroom, I seek out Adrian who's busy chatting with Josh. I'm sure they're talking about me. Is Adrian trying to recruit Josh too? Is he trying to get Josh to convince me to talk to him? The foolish boy is just wasting his time. 

Hoping that no one is watching me, I slip away. My feet lead me to the library. That place has become my hide-out over the past few days. Sitting down at 1 of the round tables, I pull out of my backpack, Macbeth, and begin to read. Just because I'm not in class doesn't mean that I can slack off. I'm still getting in my few acts for the day.

Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?  Come let me clutch thee... I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible. To feeling as to sight? or art thou but a dagger of the mind, a false creation, proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?

Macbeth hallucinated too. Interesting. It's as if Shakespeare knew I would come along and read his play, so he created a character similar to me. Someone I will connect to. 

Who am I kidding? Shakespeare could have never known that I will be born. My existence is nothing. I'm just 1 floating particle among 1,000,000s. 

1 particle that killed her grandmother. 1 particle that God is ashamed of. 1 particle eaten by guilt.

YOU DID IT.

Tears overflow in my eyes blurring the words before me. Blinking them away, I close the book and slip it back into my backpack. Literature is our last period of the day. I might as well just go home. 

The hallways are pretty much empty as I make my way to my locker. Working as fast as I can, I do the combination, the metal door swinging open with a loud clang. I wince, picturing the Vice Principal, Miss Henderson, marching out of her office red-faced, skeleton hands on hips when she notices me standing here when I should be in class. 

Not wasting any more time, I grab my coat, hat, and gloves--- then make a mad dash for the front doors--- escaping. Once I'm clear from the school building, I release the breath that I was holding. 

The air is frigid clinging to my body in an icy embrace. Moving to the side of the road, I take the time to put on my coat, hat, and gloves. With my backpack on my back, I continue on my trudge homeward. 

I come to pass Levi's house, not giving a glance back. I haven't seen him since our encounter at the bleachers. Just like I am avoiding Adrian it seems like Levi is avoiding me. I wonder what secrets he's hiding. What does he know about me? And why is he waiting to tell me? Why couldn't he tell me then? I need to find these answers, but not now. 

The front door is unlocked so I just walk right in. I hang my coat in the coat closet and place my hat and gloves in the pink bin labeled, 'Shelby'. I then slink away to my bedroom, locking the door behind me.

Bed. Bed has become my comfort zone. Curling up here with my blanket over my head--- nothing can be better. 

Sleep overcomes me.

***

I stand in a field of daisies. The sweet fragrance is so strong it chokes me. Gagging, I cover my nose and mouth, and with brisk steps make my way for the lake I see off on the horizon. Daisies snap underfoot. There are so many of them, it's like they're endless. 

I walk, walk some more, and keep on walking. That lake doesn't get any closer. 

I quicken my pace. Still isn't getting closer.

I begin to run. Daisies everywhere. The stench choking me. 

Then I smell smoke. Smoke snaking its way up my nostrils, causing me to gasp for air. My lungs begging to expand. The smoke is everywhere.

Blinded, I run, and run, and run some more. I try to escape from all the smoke. From all the daisies still crunching underfoot. 

It's useless. 

Stumbling, I fall into a puddle. It's warm and sticky. Looking down, I see blood. Warm blood seeping up my legs, rising higher and higher. A scream escapes from within me, echoing across the field. Blood enters my mouth, choking me. Choking. Choking. Choking. 

Air, I need air! 

Just then everything is gone. The daisies. The smoke. The warm, sticky blood.  And darkness takes over. Darkness so thick, I can't move. 

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Air, air, air.

A blinding light flashes and I scream. Lifeless eyes gazing up at me. 

Grandma, always grandma.

I choke on my tears. A lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow. Smoke in my lungs squeezing. 

I try to move, and reach out to her. Take her cold hand in mine and beg her to forgive me. I still can't move though. So I just sit here and through blurry eyes watch her body begin to fade.

"No," I cry, "Grandma don't go!"

But she's already gone.

***

I wake up, my body encased in a cold sweat, and shiver. These nightmares never stop haunting me. They're out to get me just like the world is. I will never be at peace.

"Shelby?" Mom calls, knocking softly on the door.

"What?" My throat is parched, and my voice comes out in a croak.

"Someone is here to see you."

I reluctantly get out of bed and open the door. "Who?" 

Mom won't look at me. "Someone who really needs to speak to you."

"Tell Adrian to back off. I'm not interested." I start to close the door and Mom quickly puts her foot out, stopping me. 

"You two need each other in your lives. You're both inseparable..."

"So was Josh and I before he went and betrayed me. It seems to be a trend for the men in my life." Bitter, oh so bitter. 

"But you and Josh made up."

I push her foot back with mine. "Doesn't mean that Adrian and I have to. Now tell him to bug off."  The door with 1 loud boom slams shut in her face, the lock bolting into place. 

I climb back into bed, pulling the blanket over my head. 

"Little B!" His voice is now outside the locked door. Pleading. "Please open up and talk to me."

I cover my ears. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA.

"Let me explain. Please."

LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA.

"I'll wait here all night if I have to."

"You do just that," I mumble. 

The blanket falls to the floor as I stand up. My fleece sweater is draped over the bean bag. 2 hands take hold of the warm material and 2 arms slip into it, the fleece wrapping around 1 torso. Zipping it up, I head for the window.

"Shelby, you there?"

The window creaks as it opens.

"Shelby?"

I step onto the roof, ignoring the cold air whipping at my face. I can still hear Adrian calling out to me. Shutting him out, I sit down, hugging my knees to my chest. Like a cradle, I rock back and forth. My breath fans around me. Poof.

The front door opens, footsteps following. Adrian then appears on the front lawn, my breath hitching in my throat. He looks up, his evergreen eyes locking on mine. My heart stops. ----------------------------------

"Shelby?" His voice carries to me with the wind. 

All I do is stare.

"Can I come up and explain everything? Please, can you hear me out?"

I hug my knees tighter. 

He walks to the side of the porch where the roof dips low. And taking the ladder that I planted there, begins to climb. 

Heart racing once again, I begin to crawl back toward my window.

"Shelby?"

I hesitate just long enough for him to grab hold of my foot. My eyes look back at him, wide.

"Let go of me." It comes out as a squeak. 

"No. You are going to listen to me now!"

I shake my head. "No, no, no."

"Yes, yes, yes." His eyes plead with me and this time I cave in.

"Let go of me and I'll give you one minute to explain."

"I need more time than that."

"Two."

"More."

I can't stop myself from smiling. "We'll see."

"Ok."

He lets go of my foot and sits down beside me, his knee brushing against mine. I gaze back at him.

"I wanted to tell you," he begins, "But I didn't know how to bring it u..."

"It's not that hard," I interrupt. "All you had to do was say, 'Hey Shelby, I have something really important to tell you... You see I'm joining the army and well that's it. Goodbye. I'll see you in a few years unless I die at war.'"

He flinches. "Please, stop."

"Why?" I snap. "Isn't that what you wanted to tell me?"

"No. I came here to explain."

"So explain."

"Maybe if you shut up, I'll be able to!"

This time I'm the 1 to flinch.

"I was hoping to get out of it. I was hoping that if I ignored the letters, they'll stop. I was hoping that my dad would realize that I don't share the same interests as him and Joel. I don't want to be part of the military. I never wanted to go to all those army boot camps... I just want to be an architect."

"But the world has other plans for you." All the times Joel told him that he only has a few days to respond...

He nods. "I have no choice, but to join. I tried, I tried so hard Shelby. That's why I didn't tell you because I thought that I wouldn't have to go... that I would be able to stay here- with you."

My face is numb.

"I didn't want to lose you." His voice cracks. "I don't want to lose you."

"You are leaving."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean that we have to stop." He takes ahold of my cold hand. "We still have time before I go and after... and after we can Facetime or something. You can call me every night."

I glance down at our linked hands. "I don't know."

His hands are cupping my chin, tilting my head back, eyes locked on mine. "I refuse to let you go, Shelby." 

I try to pull away.

"I love you."

My world freezes. The background noises dull down, everything blurred. All I can hear and see is Adrian's mouth move and say those 3 words again...

"I love you. And I'm not just saying that because that's what you wanted me to say last week. I mean it, Shelby. I mean it with my whole heart. With my whole being. I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but I was scared. I knew that I would be leaving once the school year is over and that you'll move on. But that's not what I want. I'm willing to do a long-distance relationship. I'm willing to make us work. I'm willing to love you with all that I have, even when I'm fighting for our country. What do you say?"

A lone tear rolls down my cheek and Adrian wipes it away, his thumb warm against my skin.

With my 2 lips, I utter 3 words that millions have uttered before me. Actually, make that 4 words. "I love you too."