My life lately has become me constantly checking my phone. Adrian hasn't contacted me for close to 3 weeks now. 

He better be ok.

Because all of this anxiety is killing me.

I check my phone once again. Of course, nothing has changed over the last few minutes. Sighing, I toss my phone onto the bed beside me and gaze up at the glowing yellow stars on my ceiling. Adrian always loved the star stickers stuck like glue all over his ceiling, and I decided to give it a try. 

So far I haven't been able to figure out what's so special about them--- perhaps it's just to have something to stare at when you're lying all alone in bed. Yes, that must be it.

A knock on the door startles me and I quickly sit up, just as Mom peeks her head into the room. 

"Dinner is ready," she says, taking in the closed drapes and lights. The room is dark, besides for the glowing stars and phone screen. Now her forehead is creased in concern. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, I'll be down in a minute." I give her a soft smile, which she accepts.

"Ok, see you." She leaves, the door left ajar.

Sighing, I climb out of bed and head downstairs. 

The strong aroma of barbecue chicken and grilled vegetables tickle my nostrils as I enter the kitchen and take my seat across from Josh.

"The food smells divine."  Dad walks into the room and goes to help Mom serve. 

She smiles at him, that smile that is just meant for him to see. I look away as she says. "Thank you. I tried out a new recipe for the drumsticks."

"Looks delicious. Can't wait to give it a try."

The food is placed on the table and once everyone is seated, we dig in.

"Wow, Mom this is really good." Josh smiles while licking some sauce off of his lips. "You should definitely make this more often."

Mom beams. "Thank you. And maybe I will." Her hazel eyes fix on me. "What do you say, Shelby?"

I finish chewing the grilled pepper before responding. "It's delicious."

Her beam brightens, as strong as the sun's rays. "Glad everyone likes it." 

We all nod in agreement as we stuff our faces. To be honest, I find there to be a little too much ketchup in the sauce, but eh that's just my opinion which I will keep to myself.

Once everyone is finished eating, I help Mom clean up. 

"How is school?" she asks. And there Mom goes bringing up a conversation. 

"It's ok."

I can feel her eyes on me as I brush crumbs off of the table. "Missing Adrian?"

"Yeah, more than anything."

She is now standing beside me, her hand on my forearm. "I know. Dr. Lewis told me how your last session went. You have another session tomorrow..."

"I know." I refuse to look at her. 

"Just making sure." I can see a frown making its way onto her face from my peripheral vision. "You know she's trying to help you out, Shelby." She sighs, "I wish you would stop giving her such attitude."

At last, I look at her. "I don't need help, Mom. I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me how to act and how to be. I'm ok on my own."

Mom's eyes are downcast--- coward. "You were hurting yourself, Shelby. We needed to find a way to stop that."

"And you did. So now I can stop. I don't need this stupid, good-for-nothing treatment anymore!"

Mom flinches and I wish I could pull my words right back into my foul mouth. "Dr. Lewis, your father, and I feel like you still need to be treated," her voice is low, "It's not up for discussion. You are going to continue with your sessions until we feel like otherwise."

"Whatever," I gulp down the frog clogging up my throat. Croak. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have homework to finish." 

Not waiting for a response, I stomp off. 

My red-hot blood boiling over.

***

You have no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice...

I sit across from Dr. Lewis, my fingers digging into my thighs as she looks back at me, her glasses slipping down her nose. Pushing them up where they belong, she begins, "I'm glad to see you back in my office. When you stomped off last time like that, I was nervous you wouldn't come back."

"If it was up to me, I wouldn't be here. But when my parents are involved I have no choice."

"Well then, I am glad that you're parents are involved."

I glower at her. 

"You need this Shelby and if the only reason you are here is that your parents have some control, I am grateful. You have people who care and want to make sure that you are in the best state you can be."

I try so very hard not to snort. 

"Do you have anything to say?"

My eyes are glued to the ticking clock. I hate that clock, which I go and voice out loud. "I hate that clock."

Dr. Lewis glances back at the clock. "Why is that? It helps you know how much time you have left in our sessions. Wouldn't that make you happy?"

"It's irritating," I explain. "All the ticking. It's so loud."

"I see." She begins to tap her fountain pen against her glass desk-top. "If you want I can take it out of the room for your sessions."

"I would like that."

"Good."

We stare each other down and she goes and asks, "Have you heard from Adrian?"

Of course, she had to bring that up. "No, not for a while now."

"And how has it been affecting you? Are you still worrying?"

"Of course I'm still worrying."

She looks at me. I look back at her. 

She blinks. I don't blink.

Finally, she speaks, "I want to do an exercise with you. Whenever you feel worried and panicked over Adrian's well-being, I want you to take in a deep breath to calm your nerves. And I want you to tell yourself that everything is ok, that Adrian is alive and well, and that there is nothing to worry about."

"But what if there is something to worry about?" 

She tries to smile, but I can tell that it is more forced than ever. "It won't come to that."

"And how do you know that?"

"Once again with hope and faith. Now, are you willing to do this exercise?"

You have no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice, no choice...

"Fine," I say and she gives me a genuine smile. I don't smile back.

"Good, I want to hear about how it goes next time."

My fingers dig a bit deeper into my skin. "Am I done here for today?"

"No, not yet."

I slump in my seat. "What now?"

"We haven't spoken about my nephew in a while. Has he still been giving you trouble?"

Levi is more than trouble. He's the devil. 

I end up saying, "He's been harassing me to be his friend, but I'm not interested. Why would I befriend the boy who read my file, who invaded my privacy, and who knows my secrets that I try so hard to keep hidden from others?"

"You have plenty of reasoning, but do you know why Levi wants to be your friend?"

I shrug. "Because I'm messed up and he claims so is he." Dr. Lewis's eyebrows shoot up to her hairline and I continue, "He told me that his friend drowned and that he blames himself for his death. Is that true?"

She looks concerned. "Yes, he did lose a friend to drowning. I didn't know though that he blames himself for his friend's death. It wasn't his fault at all." She becomes more concerned if that's even possible. "I think I need to have a chat with him. Make sure he's ok."

I say nothing, allowing her to come up with her own hypothesis. I can tell her mind is reeling. 

I have to get out of here.

"I'm going to go now." I stand up and make my way to the door. Opening the door, I look back at her. "Have a good day." And then I'm gone, leaving her with her racing mind.

***

I stand outside, watching the colorful leaves on the tree drifting down to the ground and getting crunched under hundreds of marching feet. I should be heading home now, but for some strange reason, I find myself glued to this exact spot outside of Dr. Lewis's office building directly across the street from school.

The school at this hour looks dead and I wonder if the hallways are being haunted by ghosts.

The thought almost gets me to laugh. 

I take a step forward, just as my phone begins to vibrate. I pull it out of my jacket's pocket, my heart skipping a beat. 

As fast as I can, I head back into the building and run for the restroom. To my luck, it is empty. I lock the door and close the toilet lid, taking a seat as I answer the phone.

"You're alive," I blurt out as his smiling face appears on the screen.

His smile becomes mischievous, his eyes twinkling. "Yes, the last time I checked I was alive. Unless I am actually dead and this is heaven." He scratches at the light stubble on his chin. "Is this heaven?"

I gesture to the bathroom around me. "Definitely heaven."

He laughs. "Are you on the toilet?"

Heat rises to my cheeks. "I just finished with an appointment when you called. The only private place was the bathroom."

"Got it."

We gaze into each other's eyes and I wish that he was truly here. That I could dig my fingers into the nape of his neck and pull his face close, nuzzling his nose with mine as I press my lips to his. If only.

"Shelby?" 

I focus on him as he continues. "I have some news for you..."

"You are coming home!"

He smiles. "I wish. But no. I was actually assigned to my very first mission."

My heart rate picks up. "Oh."

"Yeah, I completed my training and now I'm in the game."

"What is the mission?" My voice comes out as a squeak.

"There are some riots that need to be stopped somewhere in the Middle East."

"Doesn't sound too safe," I state with a frown.

"Might not be, but I was trained pretty thoroughly these past few months and I am also being sent in with some of the best soldiers. Nothing to worry about."

I pull on a loose thread on my sweatshirt. "When do you leave?"

"We fly out tonight."

I don't look at the phone screen as I ask, "When will I hear from you next?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest. As soon as I get back, I promise I'll call you. Plus I'll be seeing you in person really soon. Can't believe New Year is coming up. Just a few weeks ago it felt like it was so far off." 

"Well yeah, that was about two months ago. Maybe even over two months."

"Time is flying by too fast."

Finally, I look back at my phone, at him. "Just promise me that you'll be careful."

"Always."

"Promise me that you'll let the professionals deal with the really dangerous rioters. Don't get yourself killed."

"I don't plan on dying anytime soon, I promise."

My fingers are now on the screen, on his face. Tracing over the oval curve of his scalp, along the length of his nose, and stopping on his lips.

He stares back at me, silent.

"I miss you so much," I whisper. "I don't know if I could wait till New Year. I need you now."

"It will be here before you can even blink. I promise."

I blink. "Liar."

He chuckles, shaking his head at me. "Before a thousand blinks."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

"I love you the most." I press my lips to the screen. "To infinity."

I pull back to see him blinking away tears. "I have to go, but I promise I'll call you as soon as I get back from this mission. I'll even call you if I get the chance while in the Middle East."

"Ok..."

He hangs up before I get to say anything more.

I remain seated, trying to catch my breath. Adrian will be going on his first mission. Far, far away in a dangerous country. With dangerous people. Doing dangerous things.

I am overwhelmed with worries.

I am drowning in them.

And this time I can't resurface.