My footprints are imprinted into the freshly fallen snow, my breaths wisp of air floating before my face. A snowball hits me square in the chest and I look up to see Adrian already forming his next ball of snow. Oh no, he better not.

Moving fast, I scoop up some snow resting at my feet and quickly turn it into a ball. I now smile at Adrian. He lets out a whoop when my snowball hits him in the leg.

"You're so dead," he calls to me.

"You started it," I shout back, already making my next snowball.

His hits me in the shoulder, causing me to grimace.

Frustrated, I pull my arm back, and with all the force that I can muster, I throw, hitting him right in the face. He curses a lot of foul words. Bleep, bleep, bleep.

"Sorry," I say.

He glares at me. "Now you asked for it." Before I have the chance to blink 1 time, 2 times... he's tackling me to the ground, the snow cushioning our fall. His face is inches from mine, his breath warming my cold cheeks.

"Oh, hi there." I wipe away some of the slush dripping down his chin.

His evergreen eyes are locked on mine, his warm breaths quickening. "Hi."

My arms wrap around his neck, drawing him closer. "Now what did I ask for?" I ask softly.

"To be tackled and shushed."

"Oh, did I?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Ok so you've tackled me, but you haven't shushed me yet."

His lips curl up on the sides into a smile. "I was getting right to that part."

"Reall..."

He shushes me by pressing his 2 lips to mine, while his 2 hands cup my head pulling me up from the snow bed. My own 2 hands cling to him, 2 sets of 5 fingers digging into his hair, his scalp. 2, 2, 2. Couple, couple, couple. I'm his. He's mine. We are 2 together.

And I'm never going to let go.

***

We get to school soaking, snow dripping off our fuzzy coats. I pull my soggy, wet hat off of my head, tossing it into my locker to dry off.

"Ugh, my clothes are so wet," I pout, shaking the snow off of my coat before placing it into my locker too.

"I feel ya," Adrian says, pushing the wet hair plastered to my forehead away.

I smile. "But totally worth it."

"You can say that again."

The bell rings announcing the beginning of the first period.

"Catch you later?" His warm lips brush against my cheek.

"You betcha."

I watch him skip off to class and I can't help myself from smiling like a fool. He's so adorable.

Stuffing my books into the crook of my arm, I head off to class, the memory of his touch warming me up.

***

1 hand, 5 fingers curled around the wooden brush. That 1 brush being dipped into a variety of colors, painting the canvas--- bringing life into it.

"Today we are going to paint whatever is on our mind," Mr. Pike has just instructed us.

'To be, or not to be, that is the question,' is what's on the top of my thought box at the moment. Those 10 words, and 30 letters I just read before in Hamlet and it struck me. Life or death. Something that has crossed my mind after grandma died. Something that still crosses my mind from time to time. And what I realized is, even with grandma gone, I still have loved ones worth living for.

Life is worth living. So I'm going to live it. Now and always.

That's why I'm painting a bud sprouting to life. Starting a fresh beginning. Innocent and beautiful. Something I might not be, but something I can strive to become.

Wishful thinking though.

I have way too much darkness buried deep inside me. So deep inside, there's no way to ever pull it out. It's stuck. And that's why I paint the flower bud black. Black like my soul.

"Ain't that a bit morbid."

I drop my paintbrush startled.

"I'm scared to see what's on your mind." Levi is watching me intently.

My eyes scan over his own painting of a girl's silhouette hunched over in a dark corner. "Look who's talking," I combat.

He smiles, always smiling which is odd since he doesn't seem like that smiley kind of guy. "I'll share what's on my mind if you..."

I'm already shaking my head. "Not in a million years."

His smile spreads, flashing that 1 dimple. "Thought you'll say that."

I pick up my paintbrush, black paint dripping. Drip, drip, drip. "Mhm."

He watches me paint and I try very hard to ignore him.

"What do you want?" I ask at last--- frustrated.

"Nothing, just admiring your artwork. Is that a crime?"

"No, but aren't you supposed to be focusing on your own painting."

He shrugs. "I believe it's completed."

I steal a glance once again at his painting. It's quite beautiful, as dark as it is. "Yeah, it looks good to me."

He pushes some hair out of his face. "Thanks."

I say nothing and end up ignoring him for the rest of the period, all my focus on the canvas before me.

My hands covered in black paint.

***

The snow starts to fall again as we walk into 'David's Burger Bar', Dad's choice. David is a friend of his and usually gives us discounts, though Dad claims the reason he chose David's is that the food here is great.

Safely inside the store, I pull back my hood, my damp hair clinging to my cheeks. I push the strands aside as I make my way toward the ketchup-red, metal table in the back near the fish tank that takes up the entire back wall--- My favorite spot.

"You always choose this table," Josh says, taking the seat across from me.

"I like the fish," I reply nonchalantly with my eyes glued to the clownfish swimming in circles making me dizzy. "Nemo."

"You named the fish?"

I look at Josh and snort, "No, Pixar did."

This gets him to laugh. "Wonder where Dory is?"

My eyes dart from fish to fish to fish... I try to count them as I go but there are so many of the same exact type of fish it's hard to keep count. Also, some of the smaller fish are hiding in the colorful pebbles and sunken ship. I'm estimating that there must be around 35 fish in total. "She's not here," I say quietly.

"Shame."

That's when Mom and Dad show up. "So what would you kiddies like to order?" Dad asks.

"Triple cheeseburger and a Coke," Josh blurts out right away. He always plans ahead what he's ordering. I don't know how he does it, I'm usually so indecisive.

"And you?" Dad turns to me.

I think for a moment. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. "I'll take a regular classic burger, home fries, and a Pepsi."

Dad nods, before walking off headed for the food station and I go back to watching the swimming fish.

Mom tries to bring up some conversation, but I just ignore her deep in thought.

What if I was a fish? Would life be easier? Would I have so many regrets? So much guilt--- Would I even have thoughts? A conscience? Would I know what it means to love--- to have feelings---emotions? Would I be living a better life?...

I will never know since I'm not a fish.

"Dinner is served." Dad's booming voice draws me away from the fish tank, my eyes landing on the food before me and my mouth salivates. Yummy!

I dig right in, ketchup dripping down my chin.

"Looks like you are enjoying it." Mom smiles while eating her salad politely with small, slow bites.

"Mhm," I mumble, hoping all the chewed-up food in my mouth isn't on display. Unlike Josh, I don't speak with a full mouth of food.

Which is the reason why I also look down at my food and not across at him. I don't need to see him chewing his cud.

I slow a tad bit down, taking smaller bites so I won't choke and also so that people who might be watching won't be grossed out by me. That would be quite embarrassing.

Mom and Dad go to pay and chat with David, whose wife just gave birth to a baby boy. Leaving me and Josh alone once again.

"How do you like so much cheese?" I ask him.

He begins to pick at his teeth with a fork. "I just do."

Great answer.

We sit here in silence until Mom gestures to us that we're leaving.

Jumping to my feet, I slip my coat on and pull my hood over my hair, ready to face the cold outdoors.

So cold, so cold, so cold.

I hate the cold.

***

I snuggle under my fuzzy blanket, trying to keep warm. I truly hate the cold and I start to wish that Adrian was here holding me close to him, his body heat warming me up like a furnace.

Reaching out, I search through the dark for my phone which should be somewhere on the nightstand. Found it. 1 fingerprint presses against the home button--- bringing the screen to life. I go into my messages.

Big A- Hey you awake?

1-minute passes, 2- minutes pass, 3- minutes...4,5,6,7,8,9,10... 45 with no reply.

I"m guessing that's a no.

Tucking my blanket under me so that I'm cocooned, I close my eyes and try to let sleep wash over me.

It does at last and it brings the nightmares with it.

***

"You look tired Shelby."

I glare at Dr. Lewis, annoyed. "That's because I am..." Like why state the obvious? "The nightmares have been coming back." I'm now looking down at my hands, expecting to see all that blood coating them. "And they're awful. I haven't been able to sleep much."

She's silent for a few moments, letting my words sink in. Finally, she says, "I see." And I'm ready to punch her.

My 2 eyes are on her, watching her 2 lips pressed together and her 5 long, red polished fingers drum against the desktop. I wait. I wait for her to say more.

She doesn't though.

"That's all," I break the silence. "All you have to say is, I see. Where's your whole entire logical speech on how my brain is still full of all the trauma I've been through and blah, blah, blah, blah it's all in my head and that's what is conjuring up these dark nightmares that are haunting me?"

My hands are clenched and my lungs are out of breath and all she does is smile. And once again I want to punch her. So, so, so hard.

"Repeat what you just said."

"Whhhaattt?" I sputter, my eyes bulging.

"Listen to what you just told me and you'll get your answer."

Oh!

She smiles. "You are a bright girl, Shelby. You already have the answers, since we've been through this before so many times..."

"Yeah, I know. And still, I have these nightmares."

"It's all in your head though. It's all your thoughts."

"But, but it's not what I'm thinking. I cleared my mind, I take my pills, and still, these nightmares are haunting me. Why is that fair?"

"I never said it was fair." She begins to play with her well-known roller pen. Click, click, click...

"How do I get rid of them then?"

Click. "I would say try to avoid things that can cause you to be afraid. Things that may make you scared. Anything that might trigger these frightening thoughts that are bringing along these nightmares. Just try to be calm before you go to bed. And try to have a good sleeping routine. Don't go to sleep crazy late."

I nod while pushing myself up from the not-too-comfy recliner. "I will try."

"Good. I'm looking forward to hearing from you next time. Try to keep a sleeping log perhaps. See what time you go to bed at night and keep to that schedule."

"Ok." I swing my backpack over my shoulder. "Have a good day Dr. Lewis."

She smiles brightly. "You too Shelby."

I leave her office, hoping that she knows what she's saying and that these nightmares back off once and for all.