I look down at my plate, eyeing the saucy chicken drumsticks and rice. Everyone already cleared their plates, including Melissa. Josh has officially started dating her and Mom insisted that he should invite her over for dinner.

I tried to make some small talk with her, but it's been pretty awkward. I can see the pity in her eyes and that deep down she wants to give me her condolences. Smart girl ends up keeping her mouth shut. Instead, she turns to my mother and smiles prettily, pearly whites glistening. "Mrs. Morganstein, the food was delicious. Thank you."

Mom beams, "Glad to hear that someone likes my cooking. Thank you."

"Hey, hey, hey." Dad puts his hands in the air defensively. "We always compliment you on your cooking."

Mom gives him a slight smirk. "Don't worry, I know. I prefer hearing it from a guest though."

I roll my eyes while Melissa looks down at her lap uncomfortably.

I don't have to have X-ray vision to know that Josh is now holding her hand underneath the table, hidden from view. 5 fingers interlaced with 5 fingers. 10 whole. Infinite. Adrian used to do the same with me and I would always smile as big as Melissa is smiling right now.

The remaining pieces of my heart shatter, scattering blood-red across the floor. I don't go to collect them.

"Shelby?" Mom's hazel eyes are solely on me. "Don't think I haven't noticed that you haven't touched your food."

I look away, guilty. Always so guilty.

Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty- Guilty...

"Sorry, I have a lot on my mind right now and I'm not that hungry." Now I glance her way. "Can I be excused? I have a lot of homework to get done for tomorrow."

Mom's eyes go sad and once more I'm looking away. "Of course. Perhaps take a fruit along or something, so you don't go hungry."

"Ok," I say as I stand up. Making sure on the way out to take a banana from the banana stand on the island. Adrian loved bananas...

As I walk up the carpeted stairs, I can feel the tears that I've been trying so hard to keep back, breaking free.  They begin to roll down my cheeks, leaving snot in their trail as I hear Mom apologizing to Melissa for my behavior, "Sorry about that. Shelby has been taking the loss of Adrian roughly and hasn't really been herself lately. She's still in mourning..." That makes me cry harder as I step into my room and lock the door behind me.

In bed, I go--- blanket over my head. Everything is dark. So, so, so dark. And finally, I allow myself to smile.

My homework calls to me from my bag, but I ignore it, drowning myself in all of this darkness.

I can feel him here with me. "Adrian," I whisper. "I need you. Hold me, please."

I imagine his arms wrapping around me, drawing me in. Nice and warm. Strong. Safe. I lean back into him, falling, falling, falling in his embrace. His hot lips nuzzling my neck. His husky voice whispering in my ear words that would make any girl blush.

The darkness draws closer and now I can see him. Evergreen eyes, sparkling brighter than ever. Red-pink lips curled upwards in a smile. Golden locks, falling in a mess across his forehead.

"Adrian." I swallow the lump in my throat. "I miss you. I need you. Come to me."

But he doesn't. Because he's not really here with me.

He's gone.

***

It's only the first class of the day and I'm exhausted. All of last night, I was wide awake, trying as hard as I can to bring up memories of Adrian. To play moments of us together in my mind, as if I was at the movies, watching our lives. But as much as I tried, I couldn't get any memories to come.

It's as if Adrian is slowly fading from my mind. And that terrifies me.

"Shelby?"

My eyes focus on my class project partner, Henry Finkle, who's watching me from behind his glasses--- baby blue eyes big and wide.

"Is everything alright?" he asks.

I plaster a sweet smile onto my face. "Yeah." I then look down at the scrap paper, markers, and colored pencils we collected from the teacher's desk. "Let's begin," I say, taking hold of the blue marker and beginning to write down what's in our notes onto the scrap paper.

I try to put all of my focus into the work ahead of me, but I keep on thinking of Adrian, the boy who still holds my heart in his hands--- his dead, cold hands. I try to keep a grasp on all of our memories; the good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. The love that we had. Have. For each other.

"Shelby! Shelby! Pay attention!"

Henry is waving his hands frantically before my eyes and I blink before glancing down at the paper to see the mess I have made. The smudges. Ink dripping. And my project partner not too happy, his lips down in a frown.

"Sorry," I keep my voice low and eyes downcast.

"It's alright," he says, trying to flip his frown upright into a smile, which ends up as a grimace. "I'll go get some more supplies. And maybe this time I should be the one to do the writing."

I smile softly. "That sounds like a good idea to me. Thanks."

He gives me a nod before sliding out of his desk that's pushed up against mine so we can work together and then strides to the front of the classroom--- to the teacher's desk.

As he goes I find myself looking down at my hands covered in ink. It's going to be a fun job trying to wash all the blue off of my hands. I better start getting it done now.

I stand and make my way for the door. Henry spots me, his wide forehead creased, confused.

"I'm going to go wash all this ink off of my hands. I'll be back shortly," I tell him.

He gives me a quick nod before getting back to what he was in the middle of doing. Dismissed, I walk out of the classroom.

With no plan on returning.

***

I'm surprised that I made it through the entire day. Usually, I slack off halfway through, but after the incident first period with my ink-smudged hands, I managed to make it to all my other classes. Even paid attention.

I now stand at my locker, dumping all of my books inside before grabbing my jacket and heading out of the school building. I'm almost off the school property when I hear him calling my name.

"Shelby, wait!"

Inhaling deeply, I turn around and face him, my 2 annoyed eyes meeting his. 4 eyes staring at each other.

"What do you want now?" I ask, pissed.

Having him constantly following me around has really been getting on my nerves. Can you blame me?

His metallic gray eyes are cast down at his linked hands, golden skull ring glistening in the sunlight. So blinding. "I was wondering if you'll like to hang out for a little? Thought you'd maybe like to spend some time with a friend..."

I scoff. "We're not friends."

"Friends share cigarettes."

Of course, now he'll be holding that over my head.

"Why do you keep on stalking me?" I question him as I throw my hands in the air in frustration.

He shrugs. "Because I feel like now more than ever you could use some good company." He's now giving me a friendly smile that I have to admit is kind of cute, that 1 dimple showing.

"So first, you admit that you're stalking me. And second, you believe you're good company. Mhm."

He just shrugs again. "So what do you say Morganstein, ready to spend some time with a friendly face?"

I sigh. It's useless. As much as I try to push Levi Cruze away, he just pushes on back like a force field. "Ok fine. I'll give you one hour of my time but then you're going to leave me alone until I decide to approach you."

He grins. "Sounds like a plan. Now follow me."

And that's exactly what I do.

***

Levi leads me through the side door to his house. The door that I know leads to the kitchen and I find myself closing my eyes for a moment remembering all the times I followed my friends through this exact door when Ron still lived here. Ron, I haven't thought of him in a long, long time. I wonder how he's doing... did he move on just like Sierra did? Or is he still holding onto the past that they shared?

I open my eyes taking in the familiar modernized kitchen. White granite countertops, red knobs on the stainless steel appliances, round glass table, and stark white chairs. So different than our traditional honey-brown wood kitchen.

"Make yourself at home." Levi gestures to the table and chairs. And I take a seat, my eyes fixed on the view outside the tall windows.

The sky is lit up in a display of colors. Red, orange, pink, and purple. The sun, a large orange orb slowly sinking lower and lower.

The days are still short and the nights long, but I can feel the weather starting to warm up a little, buds popping out along the trees' branches.

Cabinets slamming shut behind me draw my attention away from the beautiful sunset and I am now glancing over my shoulder to see Levi opening cabinet after cabinet, searching for something.

"Ugh, where is it?" His voice is lilted with frustration.

"What are you looking for?" I ask, curious.

He looks over at me. "Nothing of importance. Would you like anything to eat or drink?"

I prop my elbows on the table, chin resting in the palms of my hands. "What do you have to offer? Anything good?"

"Well, what I wanted to serve you I can't seem to find. There are plenty of other goodies though. Baked goods, snacks, sodas, juices, all the likes."

I scratch at my chin, deep in thought. "How about you surprise me?" I end up saying with a smile.

"Ok. You better not look then."

I listen by returning my gaze to the view outside the windows. Now the sky is turning into a dark blue, stars coming out to say 'hi, the night is here. Let's party.'

But what if I don't want to party?

"Do you have any allergies?"

"Not that I know of."

"Ok, good."

Shortly after Levi is placing before me a bowl of peanut butter and a bag of pretzels.

"Yum, thanks." I begin to eat as he takes sips from his can of Coke.

"Want a drink?" He asks.

"Water is fine. Thanks."

I watch him walk over to the pantry, returning a moment later--- water bottle in hand.

"Thank you," I say as I take it from him.

He looks at me. I try not to notice.

"I need you to be honest with me Shelby," he begins. I feel my heart plummet to my stomach. Whatever he's going to say next can't be too good. "I know that you like to play an act for those who are around you, pretending that all is ok when really deep down you are falling apart." His eyes are holding me in place and I find myself not breathing. "I need to know how you're really doing? I need to know why you're not all in black anymore? I need to know if you moved on? If you're done mourning Adrian."

I look back at him angry, hurt, and confused. "Is this why you asked to hang out with me? So you can question me... I already have your aunt as my phycologist. Believe me, I don't need you too."

"I didn't mean to offend you." He's twisting the ring on his middle finger around and around. Mesmerizing. "I'm worried about you as a friend and want to make sure that you're doing well."

"I don't want to talk about me." My voice comes out in a hiss. "If that is the only reason why you brought me here, then I better get going." I begin to stand up, ready to make my escape.

"I understand," he says, taking hold of my arm and holding me in place. "Why don't we go play something on the X-box? I just got a new racing game." He flashes me a charming smile and I feel my tensed body easing down. "How does that sound?"

I glance at the digital wall clock. "Ok, but not for too long. I'm going to have to head home soon."

"Ok, just one game then."

"Sounds like a plan to me," I say as I follow him out of the room.

***

Several hours later I am sitting in my bathtub, warm water brushing against my bare skin. Not able to forget what Levi asked me. Am I done mourning Adrian?

No, never.

Why am I not wearing all black then?

Because I want my family and friends to believe that I'm doing just fine.

Of course, Levi sees through everything. Of course, he knows that it's all just another act.

I was happy for a little while as we raced our cars along the race tracks, my competitive side kicking in. Levi gave me a good distraction. He helped me clear my mind from all the pain I am constantly experiencing over and over and over again. Grandma's coffin being lowered down into the earth and then Adrian's following close behind. Firetruck sirens off in the distance, gunshots loud and clear.

Now it is all back as I sit here with my knees hugged closely to my chest, water gone cold. My heart aching from all my loss.

Grandma is gone and she is never coming back.

Adrian is gone and he is never coming back.

Head pounding, vision blurred, I manage to push myself to my feet and stumble out of the bathtub. Shaking hands grab for the Advil bottle in the medicine cabinet, struggling to pop the cap open.

Damn it.

It takes me a few minutes, but finally, I get it open, all the little capsules in the bottle falling into my outstretched hand. I then fill up 1 of the small paper cups from the cup dispenser with water and place 2 of the capsules onto my tongue, washing them down.

I look at the rest of the capsules. They watch me. Waiting.

I begin to drop 1 by 1 back into the bottle, but then pause, hand hovering.

The last few look up at me. I look down at them.

Shelby, don't you dare do it!

Shut up!

I place 2 more onto my tongue. Wash them down.

2 more again. Wash them down.

1 more. Swallow. 1 more. Swallow. Until I'm unsure how many I took.

I don't know how much time passes before I'm slumped over the sink, legs trembling--- unable to hold my weight. Sinking to the floor in a seated position, I can feel the cold tiles against my skin. My burning hot skin.

I'm struggling to breathe. Gasping. Gagging. Choking... Tremors come next, and my body shakes uncontrollably.

I try to scream for help, but it's no use. Everything is already beginning to fade around me, the darkness creeping its way in.

What have I done?

With a crash, I fall over--- my heavy eyes fluttering closed.

It's dark.

Hot.

Cold.

Drawing closer and closer.

1 last breath.

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