Tendrils of smoke encircle me like a snake wrapping its slimy body around mine, choking me---suffocating me. I can't breathe.

"Grandma" I yell, my voice hoarse.

There's no answer.

I fall down onto my hands and knees, the smoke becoming my tomb. Warm tears begin to roll down my cheeks and my body trembles with my sobs.

"Shelby?"

I look through the hazy smoke to see a tall figure advancing toward me.

"Adrian," I choke, struggling to get to my feet.

"I'm coming for you," his voice echoes across the room. "Stay put."

I do, watching him make his way for me, pushing the smoke aside as if it was just cobwebs hanging from the light fixtures. He's just a few feet away when a beam from the ceiling crashes to the floor right where he is standing.

"Adrian, Adrian." I'm screaming and running and screaming some more.

I fall onto my knees before the beam, a sob getting caught in my throat. "Adrian," I whimper.

He's not moving, his eyes showing no form of life and I'm screaming once again...

Then the house and smoke are disappearing and I am crouched in some muddy patch in the woods. Everything is cold, except my 2 hands that I notice are covered in warm blood. Warm, warm, warm blood.

Frantic I look around, my eyes landing on the bloody body resting at the base of a tree. The worn-out, pink slippers on the feet of the corpse I will never forget.

"Grandma," I cry, struggling to stand up.

Someone stops me, strong hands that are not covered in blood holding me down by my shoulders. Metallic grey eyes gaze into mine. "You killed her," Levi says, his words piercing my heart.

"It-it-it was an accident," I stutter, bile rising in my throat.

"Was it?" he asks, his eyes on my blood-stained hands.

Adrian appears beside him, his beautiful evergreen eyes accusing me too. "Yes, Shelby, was it?"

I open my mouth to reply, but can't. Instead of words, blood is pouring out of my parted lips.

"You get what you deserve." Their icy cold voices wrap around me, carving those 5 words into my skin as I fall face-first into the mud. Going still.

***

I awake, my body encased in a cold sweat. So, so, so--- cold, cold, cold. I look down checking to see if those words are etched into my skin, 'you get what you deserve' --- my skin is clear as always. The breath I was holding escapes my lips with a soft puff of air, it was only a dream. A bad nightmare.

I allow 7 minutes to pass, my racing heart beginning to thump at a steady pace. Inhaling and then exhaling, my feet slide over the side of the bed, reaching for the floor. I stand up and with wobbly legs make my way for the door. It creaks and I cringe. I hope no one heard it.

It sort of feels like I'm sleepwalking as I head downstairs to the kitchen. I feel like I'm not present in this waking state. Maybe I'm actually still dreaming.

My nails dig into my palms. Ouch. Then I'm pinching my arm. Ouch. Ok, I'm awake.

I reach the kitchen and go directly to the fridge, searching for Mom's famous chocolate moose pie. There's none to be found. I end up taking a Hershey bar and a glass of milk instead.

Now sitting at the island, I munch on the chocolate bar and take small sips from the glass. Everything is so quiet, the house dark, except for the sliver of moonlight seeping through the cracks in the window shade.

A light goes on and my eyes close from the brightness. When I open them a moment later, I expect to see Dad, instead, I see Josh standing in the doorway his blue eyes wide.

"Thought no one else was up."

I shrug.

"Couldn't sleep either?"

I'm now looking at him, trying to show the least of interest. "Yeah, had a nightmare. You?"

His 1-word response surprises me. "Same."

Which leads me to wonder what his nightmare was about. It couldn't have been as crazy as mine.

"I came down here to get something cold, is that ok with you?" He wants to know if he's being a bothersome in other words.

"Yeah," I hear myself saying.

He smiles, his blue eyes bright. I watch him make his way to the freezer and rummage through it, choosing a small container of Hagan Daz Dulce De Leche ice cream. He then joins me at the island.

"Shelby?"

My eyes are on him.

"I'm sorry for all that has happened. I want you to know that I did it because I love you and I was worried about you. I was just trying to help."

I stare into his eyes, seeing the truth in them. "I know," my voice is very low.

"Please forgive me." Now his eyes are begging.

I glance away.

1-2-3, I begin to count. 4-5-6-7-8-9-10...

"Shelby?"

11-12-13-14-15-16-17...

"Please. I need your forgiveness. I want us to be close again. Don't you want what we used to have? Because I do. I want it so badly. I miss you, big sister," he chokes.

181920, I finish before looking back at him. Tears glisten in his eyes and my heart breaks into 2 halves. And then shatters into a 1000 pieces when a tear breaks free and rolls down his cheek.

I did this to my brother. I hurt him as much as he hurt me. I hurt him by hating him when he was just trying to help me.

What have I done?

My eyes are now watering, turning Josh into a blur. I wipe at them. And with my heart thumping loudly, I say to him, "I forgive you, only if you forgive me."

He looks confused. "For what?" A sniff follows and he wipes at his nose.

"For hating you when all you were trying to do was help me."

His hands take mine in his. 4 hands together. Infinite. "You are forgiven."

I smile. "You are forgiven too."

He smiles back at me, a glorious smile. So, so, so glorious.

And on this day we are forgiven for our foolish actions. Brother and sister becoming whole again. 1 forever and always.

***

I'm exhausted, which is no surprise after the lack of sleep I had last night. I walk through the halls of school--- a zombie. A really, really, really tired zombie.

I reach my locker and yawn almost dropping the stack of books in my hands.

"Need a hand?"

All the books drop with 1 loud thud, scattering across the tiled floor.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you." Levi is already crouching down, picking up my scattered books.

"It's ok," I say, crouching down beside him and scooping the art book into my arms. 1 of my most precious belongings at the moment. They announced a few days ago what the new extracurricular class was and I was ecstatic to find out that it was--- ART. A small hobby that I picked up last summer and haven't dropped since then.

"Nice artwork." Levi's eyes are glued to the cover of my art book.

"Thanks," I say, tucking the book into my backpack, hiding all the doodles I etched onto the plain, simple black cover in an attempt to bring the book to life.

He hands me all the dropped books and I place them into my locker. "No problem." His metallic grey eyes are on mine and all I could think of is how cold they were in my nightmare last night.

Trying not to shudder, I tell him, "See you in class."

And then I'm walking off as fast as I can, not waiting for a response.

***

1 eye pressed against 1 microscope and 1 stand of light hair lying on 1 tray. So many ones. So many singles.

Levi looks back at me with 2 eyes, his 2 lips pressed together. "You gave me one of your baby hairs it's impossible to see. I need a longer strand." I hold my breath as his long pianist fingers begin to play with my hair. "May I?"

It takes me a moment to find my voice, inhale exhale- inhale exhale... "Yes."

He pulls out a hair from my scalp and I automatically go to scratch the spot as he places the long strand under the microscope. "Much better," he says as he presses his eye once again to the microscope.

He then tells me what he has observed and I jot it down in my notebook, hoping that my handwriting is legible. It would be embarrassing if he can't read my notes when it comes to copying them over. Honestly, it's not like his handwriting is any better. I've seen it and could hardly make up and downs out of it.

"Got it all down."

"Yup." I drop my pencil, watching it roll across the wooden desktop, and then flex my fingers, open-close-open-close.

"Can I see?"

"Yeah, sure."

He takes ahold of my floral notebook, his eyes scanning over the notes. "Nice handwriting," he says, handing it back to me.

"Uh, thanks."

His lips curl up on the sides forming a smile. 1 that seems a bit intimidating as opposed to sweet. "It seems like you don't get complimented that often, am I right?" I just look at him, causing him to chuckle. "Yeah, that answers it."

"No," I suddenly say. "I mean you are wrong. I am used to compliments, just wasn't expecting the one on my handwriting. I believe it's awful."

"And why is that?" he asks, beginning to chew on his pen cap.

"It just is."

He spits the pen cap out into his palm. Revolting. "Have you seen mine?"

"Yeah..."

"Well then, that's what you call an awful handwriting. Yours ain't that bad, so don't beat yourself over it."

"Um, ok." I can't hold his gaze, so I look away fixing my eyes on the wall clock's hands. Class is almost over. Thank goodness.

When the bell rings, I'm already scooping up all my belongings and heading out.

"I'll see you around," Levi calls after me.

I pretend not to hear him. It's official, he must think that I am crazy after this meaningless conversation we just shared.

And he wouldn't be wrong.

I am the craziest of the craziest. It's about time he sees that too along with the rest of this town.

Shelby Morganstein is a lost cause. No one and nothing can ever fix.