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Tuesday, December 25, 2018.

Kellin could barely sleep that night. He hadn't slept much at all since he came home, but it never got this bad. He just laid there on the bed thinking and overthinking and he felt like he was going insane. He was exhausted but he couldn't stop his brain from going into overdrive. He tossed and turned and huffed in frustration.

Maybe everything was a mistake after all. Coming home. Leaving without saying anything to anyone. Being so incredibly bitter at the world all he knew to do was shut down and run. Talking to Vic again. Letting him charm him again. Making himself believe he could have any of it. A kiss on the cheek.

Mistake after mistake.

What would he be doing in L.A. right now? Probably getting drunk at some A-List party, with Oliver and his fake friends who were famous enough to only care about themselves and only got together to post on social media about it. They wouldn't care about Christmas dinner or hot cocoa or making sugar cookies for Santa. That only made him laugh.

He covered himself with the blankets and wished for it to be a dream he would wake up soon enough. But how could he be dreaming if he couldn't even sleep? It was all shitty.

He turned to his side and stared at his bedside table. His phone was there, the screen all black and dead. What if he powered it on right now? He didn't know what he would find. He was scared of it. It's been three days already. Did he really matter so little? Was he really so easy to let go? All people ever did was let him go. But that's what he always wanted anyway so he had no right to complain.

Maybe he was finally getting tired of the detachment he had grown so used to.

He turned back around and stared at the ceiling again. The stars had lost the glow already.

What if he never went back?

He heard some rustling downstairs. He never got over how paper thin the walls were in the house. It was rather inconvenient whenever Vic was over. His mom would never let them be alone together anyway. Still. They found ways. He let out a scoff remembering all that. But his cheeks warmed up slightly either way.

He thought it could be Taylor and Hayley, sneaking out somewhere downstairs, he didn't want to know what for, but then he heard it.

Ho! Ho! Ho! And then, a hearty laugh. Merry Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! He heard again. And more rustling.

Kellin grinned to himself. Dad still did that then. He wondered if the girls were awake, fighting sleep just to hear Santa come to leave their presents. They probably were. And they must be so happy right now.

He hoped Dad liked the cookies he made.

❆

Kellin woke up with two squealing girls shaking him out of his snooze. He was disoriented and confused and his eyes took a while to adjust to the light, but soon he came back to himself and recognized his sisters jumping up and down on the bed.

"Kellin! Kellin!" They chanted over and again. "You'll miss the gifts!"

Kellin groaned and tried covering his face with a pillow but he couldn't find another one.

"Mom says if you don't come down in five minutes we'll start without you!" Dora whined.

"We don't want to start without you!" Thea pouted too.

"It's your first Christmas here with us," Dora continued, and oh, how that broke Kellin's heart.

He rubbed the sleep off his eyes and let out a breath. "Okay, okay I'm up."

The girls squealed again as he got out of the bed, clutching his arms and quite literally dragging him out of it too.

"At least let me brush my teeth," he couldn't help laughing. They were so excited it was adorable.

He didn't know when he fell asleep or for how long. Probably not a lot. His eyes looked tired and puffy in the reflection of the bathroom mirror. He looked away before he could spiral.

They got downstairs not long after. His parents were sitting by the fireplace, both with Christmas hats on and cups in their hands. Taylor and Hayley were sitting opposite them, acting like a couple of teenagers in love on the bigger sofa. Well, he supposed they weren't acting.

Both Dora and Thea took each of Kellin's hands and led him to the loveseat.

"Hey!" They all greeted him with smiles and cheers. Even Taylor who Kellin believed should be pissed at him.

"Good morning honey," Mom said and stood up to hug him. "Merry Christmas!"

Kellin smiled. Right. It was Christmas Day.

"Merry Christmas everyone," he said and looked at them all. His family. They all said it back to him and it was the first time in years he felt like no one had to pretend to like him because of who he was. It was lovely.

They all exchanged gifts and laughs and Kellin was glad that they all liked the gifts he brought. He felt a little bad he didn't even pick them out and rather had some assistant do it for him, but he vowed to get them all something himself soon. It could be a surprise. He could have them shipped and everything.

Kellin was stunned he got presents from everyone too. He put on the ugly Christmas sweater from the girls immediately. He was most amazed by the journal Mom got him. He hadn't kept a journal in years. When he first moved away he wrote every single day, but as life got busier and hectic, he dropped it. Could he get back to it now? Maybe it could ground him. Mom always knew best, huh?

The rest of the day went on with ease. He was glad Taylor didn't ask to speak to him again and he seemed to be acting normal towards him. He made sure to never be left alone with him anyway. He simply wasn't ready to have that conversation. He never wanted to, period.

Eventually, Kellin realized that no amount of coffee would make him feel human enough to do anything productive during the day. His body was telling him he probably only got a couple of hours of sleep. He was too tired and so, he opted out of the family board game tournaments during the evening and went back to his room upstairs. He dropped himself into the bed and sleep finally overcame him for more than half the day.

❆

Kellin's eyes opened to a pitch-dark room. Once again, he didn't have a way of telling the time. But it seemed late. He glanced at the closed door and noticed the lights outside the room were out. Maybe it was late late. Just how much did he sleep? God. He missed the entire Christmas Day. He supposed that was very on-brand for him after all.

He sat up and his tummy groaned. He could go back to sleep and wait for the daylight to return. But he got up because he also needed to use the bathroom. When he went to look in the mirror after, he didn't appear too tired anymore. He rustled his hair a bit, scrunching up his nose because it didn't seem right. Maybe he needed a shower. So that's what he did.

The downside of showers was that they became thinking boxes, and Kellin had already done enough thinking to last him a lifetime. So maybe the shower wasn't a great idea. His brain was still running about the same thing. More like someone, and he was getting sick of it.

He leaned his head against the wall as the warm water hit his skin, closed his eyes, and tried his best to get Vic out of his brain. It was easier said than done.

Once he went down to the kitchen he was still thinking of him. It was like he couldn't stop it, all the memories flooded in and he was at last face to face with a truth he could no longer ignore. He wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet, but he knew. He couldn't hide from it anymore and he knew that by sparing himself that little bit of truth he was doomed. He was doomed from the second he waved a hand to his truck. And yet, he embraced it.

He found some leftovers from dinner and heated those in the oven. And he found out that eating a second Christmas dinner at 1 am wasn't so bad after all. Everything was quiet and calm. He even poured himself a glass of wine. And it wasn't too cold anymore, or maybe his sweater was working overtime. He was wearing the twin's gift above another long-sleeve, and he ended up loving it more than he expected. He probably looked ridiculous, but who would care?

After his second glass, he moved his party of one to the living room. He sat on the sofa and leaned back, trying to relax and ease his brain. The wine was alright, nothing fancy, and didn't do much to him but he wasn't trying to get drunk either. Maybe he should. That way he wouldn't be thinking so much about Vic. But that could backfire terribly if he wasn't careful.

So he just sat there, and then decided a movie could be the only way to pass the time if he wasn't going to sleep. But that's when he heard it. Outside, in the still and quiet of the snowy night, the engine of a car disrupted the peace.

At first, he didn't care, it was probably someone passing by. Nothing unusual. But after a couple of minutes, the roar of the engine didn't subside. And he got curious.

He stood up from his seat and went to look out the window, he almost tripped over a fallen cushion and honestly, that would've been better so he couldn't see what was outside. Anything would've been better.

It was dark except for the few lamp-posts, but he could make out the color of that truck anywhere. He got closer to the window, so much so that his forehead touched the cold glass. He was confused. What was he doing here? Did he drink the entire bottle after all and was having hallucinations?

It was all very real though, Vic was there inside his red truck on the driver's side, headlights on, and not doing much. Just looking ahead leaning on his hands on the wheel while snow fell softly.

"What the hell?" Kellin let out a breath that fogged up the window. His heart sped up. But he turned around and shook his head.

No. Don't do it. Don't go outside. Let it go. It's probably a dream he's having. Yes, he fell asleep on the couch and now he was dreaming. How in hell could he explain Vic outside his house if he wasn't? Nothing made sense, and since nothing made sense, his feet took him to the front door and down the porch steps, and in front of the passenger seat of the truck. He didn't even mind that it was snowing.

When Vic looked at him he looked startled, but he rolled down the window and let out a breathy laugh.

"Vic," Kellin said, not knowing what else to say.

"Hey," Vic said, a nervous smile on his face.

"...What are you doing?"

"Um, just driving around," Vic responded, sitting straight and gripping the steering wheel. He seemed embarrassed. And yeah, Kellin could guess that much. Driving around. "Merry Christmas."

And that made him smile faintly. Then he laughed. And Vic laughed too. He couldn't contain it. It was all so bizarre.

"You just ended up here?" Kellin asked once it died down.

"Yeah..." Vic chuckled and shook his head. "Sometimes it happens. It was hard killing the old habit."

Kellin's smile faded.

"I didn't know you were awake," Vic continued. "Please don't think I'm a creep. I don't go spying on your family or anything. I just sit here and– and it's stupid. Sorry."

Kellin did the first thing that came to mind: unlocking the door and getting inside the car.

It was much warmer there. And he noticed Vic got busy renovating the cabin during all these years because it didn't look this nice when they were teenagers. The panels seemed kind of new and shiny, and the single seat for three was made of a different material, it was softer and felt more comfortable underneath him. Vic seemed to have made the colors inside match as well, a nice creamy white and red like the outside of the truck. It smelled of peppermint candy inside too.

It brought back a lot.

This truck was the place they spent most of their time during their friendship and subsequent relationship. It was their safest haven for all times. Together they went everywhere, from the least, more spontaneous dates to the most thought-out ones, to school, to his acting lessons, to the outskirts of town to watch the stars, to just drive around and escape reality for a moment. Kellin couldn't believe he was back there.

"Don't apologize," he said quietly, looking ahead, not daring to look into Vic's eyes. He could see the snow falling thanks to the headlights. "I'd do the same if I could."

Vic didn't say anything for a while, but Kellin could feel his eyes on him the entire time. He wanted to know what he was thinking. If he had spent the last two days plagued by him as Kellin did. If, now that he was there with him, his brain regained composure too. Like a junkie who just got his daily fix. It scared him to no end. Was this how he felt when he first left? He honestly couldn't remember. He blocked everything out.

"You wouldn't," Vic said at last and Kellin dared a glance his way.

"Don't say that."

"It's true."

"You don't know that," Kellin insisted.

Vic smiled, but it seemed sad.

"Let's take a drive then," Kellin said after some silence.

Vic chuckled. "You're not going to get in trouble with your parents?"

Kellin didn't miss the sarcasm, the same way he used to tease back then. Only then it was genuine worry and now it was barely there. What will Kellin's parents do now? Chase Vic down the street with torches? Well... no. No, definitely not. They didn't have a say in anything about his life anymore. But he played along.

"They're asleep," he shrugged. "Everyone is."

"And why are you still up then?"

"Should I ask you the same thing?" Kellin smirked, earning a laugh from the other man.

So Vic started driving and suddenly Kellin felt like he was transported back in time. To happier and easier days where nothing much mattered except the two of them together and their love. Too bad his dreams overshadowed everything and in the end, he couldn't have both.

The music was slow and softly played in the background as they passed through the deserted streets. Kellin was glad some of the houses still had their Christmas lights on the outside so he could look at the pretty colors in the dark.

A few minutes later they stopped at a red light, there wasn't a soul on the streets but Vic still stopped and waited for the light to change. It drove Kellin mad. He was always so righteous and kind. Always did the correct thing. Always knew what to say to make him feel better, always knew how to make him feel at peace. Even in the end.

And truly, they should've been talking, catching up with one another. But Kellin's life has been in the tabloids for years and he still felt like knew Vic, even though he had no idea of anything. He didn't want to talk at all. His brain went to dangerous places and created what he believed was one-sided tension between their seats.

Wasn't Vic nervous? Kellin felt like his stomach was turning inside out. Everything replayed in his head over and over. In the few days he's been here. The way he's missed him for six/seven years and he was Right. There.

"Kellin..." he heard him say in a low voice, weary, tentatively.

He turned his head slowly meeting his eyes with Vic's, the only eyes that truly knew him, the only soul that's ever made him feel whole. He didn't say anything. He hoped he could convey his feelings with a look. His truth.

I never stopped loving you.

And maybe Vic understood. Because before he knew what was happening they were meeting halfway, both of them leaning into a kiss that made Kellin feel more alive than he's ever felt in years.

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Starting 2023 updating a Kellic fanfic is so ???!,.,? lmao but let's hope it's a good omen for a year full of stories :-)
Also about this chapter and what's coming I'll only say: hehe 🤠
Thank you for being here 🖤 happy new year!