3:42 am a time i used to feel so at peace with, like lying beneath the stars on a cold fall night after a day that had gone better than most, is now filled with a heart aching pain that i never can fathom as if it were to be the instigator in my very last breath. then when i finally blank my mind, when i finally feel numb with acid like stingy eyes and a sensitive tear stained face, i crawl my way back to bed just to start again when i regrettably open my eyes..

9:37am

as my eyes slowly open and shut feeling the tiredness dissipate, i turned over adjusting the covers and reach for my phone that stays on the desk by my head, checking the time and if anybody cared to reply to me. i notice i'm awake earlier than usual. a sense of dread as well as pride creep up, i shake my head and move on with getting up. i hear the small squeaks and jiggling bells of my cat oli as he runs to me when hearing me shuffle around. i give him a small smile and pick him up like an infant cuddling him until he shoves his tiny black paws in my face attempting to escape. once oli was down on his feet he ran to his bowl letting me know it's time for our daily routine of feeding and giving him new water as well as cuddles while he eats. each move i made oli sings me the chirps of his people until his bowls are set back down in his tray. munching away creating a mess of kibble on floor surrounding oli's little food bowls. i pet his back and tail listening to his purrs. my heart begins to ache and fill with sadness as malicious thoughts intrude my bonding time. 'you're going to off yourself  when he dies you know.'

my heart hurts as though oli has passed already even as i feel his fur between my fingertips. when tears fall onto his coat he abruptly meows and turns to face me, noticing my eyes swelling with tears oli places his entire 18 pounds onto my thighs rubbing his face on my chest and hands basically forcing me to pet him and distract me from the thoughts. i give him a forced smile and take oli into my arms clinging onto his warm body like it was the last time i'd ever get to hold him again. my mind finally goes blank and i focus on the love i am able to give to oli now. pushing off of me oli takes notice i'm no longer crying and goes back to his eating. i finally get off the dirty tan carpet, grab a joint from the colorful jar on my desk lighting it up in front of the open window. taking a long drag more tears fall from my cheeks to my shirt. 'she's been up since 5am and she still hasn't messaged you, she's probably busy with someone else since she's not busy with you.'
"she's just working." i assure myself aloud. 'yeah working sure, she uses her phone while working she has time to message you back IF she wanted to.' i let out a small huff with the smoke filling the air around me, i'm already exhausted and i barely started today i mean i am literally already arguing with myself.

i snap back to reality when my thoughts begin wondering why my fingertips feel hot all of a sudden and then realizing the joint had burned down to the filter letting the continuous fire touch my bare skin. with a hustle and bustle i put out the joint walking back over to my desk, sitting down on the beaten up old chair that sits in the way of every walk space available, i lay my head onto my folded arms, sitting there staring into my sleeves, " does she actually love me the way she says he does?" asking no one aloud. turning to clock that now reads 10:48am and still no response from cameron,"i guess this is how today will go." a long sigh and i'm off to the closet to find an outfit for today's disaster.

a blue oversized band tee and my grey sweater with oh so many memories, plain black leggings and my normal everyday black vans shall do just fine. looking dreadfully in the mirror im reminded of how i look, dark circles, puffy bloodshot eyes, a figure that shouldn't see the day of light and shall remain in sweaters for as long as the weather allows it then to find a work around during summer and spring. the sleeves cover the mistakes i keep making and the rest hides the unwanted. brushing my short a lined blue hair, i try to braid a few strands and clip them behind my ear in hopes to feel less trash like, keeping the face framing and fringe out to avoid seeing that forehead that should probably be considered a five head. rummaging through my makeup bins i mix together foundation and lotion covering up acne and scarring around my rosaceous cheeks and dark under eyes. quickly doing my eyebrows and contour, i leave time to slowly do my cat winged eyeliner, stopping my breaths until the brush isn't touching my eyelid. i take small breaths and hold it as i finish the other eye. once satisfied with what i have done i slap on some blush for color on my pale skin and add finishing touches. i placed all items back into their designated spots then just stare at my grey hazel eyes. i start to feel my heart ache tears beginning to well in my waterlines i force myself to look away not wanting tears to start falling knowing they won't stop until my makeup is ruined making me angry with myself.

washing my hands to rid myself of the left over makeup i spritz perfume all over, closing my eyes and embracing the smell of vanilla. before leaving the house i put on the beaded bracelet cameron gave to me on our first date, it matched hers. i catch myself smiling fondly at the memory. i hold my wrist wearing the bracelet close to my chest holding back tears and pain from confusing and worry. i haven't heard from cameron since we had an argument about our communication and how i always feel left out or like there is something she is refusing to tell me about as if she has a secret double life she's living. she tells me there is nothing and im overthinking but i swear i can see it written on her face and in her behaviors, her tone and actions towards me but she denies it so much that i don't want to think she's lying so i take her word for it and trust that Cameron wouldn't ever do me like that. i just wished she trusted me enough to tell me what's going on with her and why she's so back and forth all the time but anytime i bring any of it up somehow it turns into a fight where she goes distant and ignores me for days or weeks.

11:25am my phone screen reads, i get into my car immediately connecting music to the speakers. i play trap metal music and vibe as i drive to cameron's. a pit in my stomach and a small voice in my head tells me this is a bad idea and i shouldn't confront her right now i should just wait for her to message me when shes ready, if shes ever ready.. on the other hand another voice tells me to say fuck it and see why she isn't answering me and to give me an explanation. Rage fueling the second option more than anxiety fuels the first. I don't want Cameron angry at me but fuck I'm angry no I'm hurt and it doesn't feel fair to bottle my emotions up because she doesn't want to confront hers. Still.. I rather shove down my thoughts questions and feelings just to be able to keep her happy to keep us happy..

it takes me no more than an hour to get to cameron's house from my apartment. when i get there i can see her white honda parked on the side of the small one story house. i can feel heat from anger building up inside. after i closed the gate from letting myself in i walked up to the door knocking gently and waited for a minute. i heard shuffling from inside but no answer so i knocked again. this time cameron answered with a confused look on her face when her golden hazel eyes meet mine, her eyes darken I see her shoulders tense as she crossed her arms and furrows her brows "nova what are you doing here?" my heart wrenched hearing her call me anything but baby " you haven't been answering my texts i got worried about you so i came to check on you." crossing my arms i look past cameron to see if anyone else is inside. Sighing Cameron steps away opening the door wider she gestures for me to come inside.

holding a breath i wasn't aware of until i let it out i looked around the small studio house seeing no one else inside. just to feel guilt overwhelm me to think she could do such a thing to me yet i was so convinced she was. " im sorry babe i've been working over time and everyone keeps calling off i'm the only one it seems to actually show up to work there anymore, i should have at least called you i know i'm sorry." cameron says without even so much as looking me in the eyes. " do you even want to be in a relationship anymore?" my questions causes her to look up at me almost instantly. " i never said that." her brows furrow in a mix of appalled and angry. " you don't have to say it, it's how you act, days on end where we don't see each other or we barely talk and if i feel its a problem somehow i get told its my fault in someway or it should be normal cause thats how its always been with us when it was never okay that its been this way for as long as it has." instead of looking at me she doesnt take her eyes off her hands that fiddle with each other. her wavy dirty blonde hair drapes over her face slightly covering her eyes. i stare at her trying to analyze what she maybe thinking. "i don't know what to say." she finally peeps. " doesn't seem like you ever do." i sigh. " if you're so unhappy why are you still with me?" her tone is sharp. my breath feels ripped away from me and my head snaps toward her and anger fills me like fire. " perhaps because im in love with you and i've been trying to make things work by discussing the shit we have to fix instead of walking away so easily without trying just because it's fucking hard and sometimes skeptical! you constantly push me away and i wait for you to come back because you deserve someone who doesnt leave you like everyone else has, yet when i'm in my own shit and push you away you actually fucking leave! why?! why can't i get the same love from you as i put into you cameron?!" tears roll down my face, my throat sore and cam's tear stained face as her big hazel orbes look up at me silently crying guilt worn like a mask.

"i- i i don't deserve you and you think too highly of me, you see what i try to be not what i really am which is a piece of garbage, i want to fucking die nova! i dont wanna fucking live anymore it's why i am so withdrawn, i don't wanna drag you down with me babe you're too fucking amazing of a person to be drowned with someone like me!" i froze and for a moment it felt like all of time has. i stare at cameron as she sank onto the floor knees to her face sobbing. anger left the chat and it clicked she wasn't cheating on me, she's depressed and fighting just as much as i am and i never even considered it. slowly i got down on the floor with her and held onto tightly. after a minute she turned and snuggled into me, scooping her into my arms i placed her on my lap and rocked with her until she stopped crying and fell asleep as i held her.

my thoughts took over in the stillness of the house. how could i be so blind to her pain? why wouldn't she tell me how bad it was getting to her? she knows i feel the same about myself she knows i'd understand or maybe that's the reason why she didn't say anything. my heart weighs heavy and my brain is tired. pretty soon i ended falling asleep with her in my arms on the floor, before i dozed off i made sure to grab a blanket within reach from the bed and covered us.