merry christmas. i fucking miss you

Despite her shitty feelings, Blaise has to smile at his whiny text as she reads it under the table during family dinner.

She replies in her room, when she's changed into more comfortable clothes and the wine's in her system. merry christmas. i miss you too.

fucking be with me

Blaise sighs. tell me why first

Yvo reads that but doesn't reply.

She bites her lip and calls Dane and Charlie, lying down on her mattress. Dane is her best friend, but he thinks Yvo's an asshole and he'll grab at any chance to talk her out of this relationship with him, so she needs Charlie as their voice of unbiased reason.

They don't help, though.

"Don't break his heart, babe," Charlie says sadly. "He only has one."

"Break his bones instead," Dane says. "He has 206."

Blaise rolls her eyes. "Both of you are useless. Bye, Merry Christmas!"

She looks up at the ceiling and exhales heavily.

Blaise has no idea how to date Yvo Sandejas.

At least with her exes, she knew why they liked her. Jack from high school said she was sweet and kind and smart. Dane said it was because she was hot and put him in his place and was just 'fucking amazing'.

Yvo is...

She has no idea what he sees in her. Hence why she thought he was fucking around with other girls.

Blaise had cried after fleeing his room, and then rejoiced when she found out she was his first, too.

But she doesn't know why he suddenly started staring at her at first period. There must have been a reason—and she was right. It's a reason Yvo couldn't tell her.

Blaise is afraid. She's scared of the truth behind his intention that time, and she doesn't know how she'd take it.

She just hopes it's something she can easily forgive.

*

Thank God they still have first period class together this second semester.

He sits directly behind her chair this time.

Blaise just got back to her dorm last night, falling asleep immediately after unpacking. She hasn't seen him yet, and she didn't come to breakfast because her alarm didn't go off at the correct time.

She can feel him staring at her. Blaise stretches, making her top stretch up, and she grins when Yvo kicks her chair slightly.

Blaise hasn't even turned around yet when Yvo leans over the seats as soon as class is over and the room empties. He pulls her ponytail to tilt her head to his and crushes their mouths together.

"Fucking missed you," he breathes before he kisses her again, thumb brushing her jaw.

Blaise smiles, heart dropping at the familiar feel of him and his scent and warmth. She missed him, too. "Ready to tell me?"

Yvo pulls back and looks at her face. Wordlessly, he takes her hand and leads her out.

Blaise keeps her head down, cheeks red as they walked together across campus towards the dorms. She hears whispers and feels stares at the back of their heads.

Yvo clearly doesn't give a shit.

In his room, Blaise sits down on his bed, blinking in confusion.

Yvo turns around and opens his drawer, taking out a piece of paper. Then, facing her again, he drops it on her lap.

Blaise blinks and picks it up. "What..."

She opens it, and horror engulfs her.

"Oh my God." Blaise almost crushes it in her hands, wide and appalled eyes staring at his. "Oh my—you've had this? Since last year?"

Yvo doesn't move or say anything.

"This is why you wanted to suddenly kiss me?" she demands, standing up.

Yvo's jaw tightens. "It's why I started noticing you. Then I hated you because I kept noticing you, I knew you wore a tank top a Friday two weeks before, goddamn it. I watched you every day and I wanted to smell you up close, wanted to touch your hair. I hated that you had that power over me and I fucking hated that I couldn't do anything about it. Until I decided fuck it."

Oh. That's the most he's said to her since August.

"This is embarrassing!" Blaise shouts, throwing it in his chest. "I hate you! I thought it was something—I thought it was something unforgivable and that you broke my trust or something—"

His bright blue eyes blink at her, holding the letter to his chest. "Finch. You—I did break your trust. You left it in the library by accident and when I realized what it was, I still read it without your consent."

"So? It made you finally notice me. And better you than anyone else." She turns away with a huff, cheeks reddening. She drops her face in her hands and groans loudly. "But it's embarrassing! I wrote it at the start of sophomore year—I can't believe you've had that in your head this whole time!"

The laugh Yvo makes is loud.

It's loud and full and so fucking happy. He sounds victorious, like he just won the war.

Blaise hits him. "Stop laughing!"

"Then fucking kiss me and say yes." Yvo pulls her closer, still grinning, blue eyes shining.

Blaise glares at him. "Don't bring it up ever again."

"Mm. I don't know, sweetheart." He strokes her cheek with his finger. "It was cute. And I like this blush."

She pushes him and almost storms out the door before Yvo catches her around the waist and drops her on the bed.

His grin is wicked and happy and sinful. "Bet I can make those cheeks redder. What do you think?"

"I think you should shut up and get on with it."

"So fucking bossy." He yanks her skirt down and rips her blouse open. "What do you want?"

"You."

"Which part of me?"

Blaise pulls him down with her hands on his nape and kisses him slowly. Yvo makes a sound against her lips and presses himself against her.

"All of it," she whispers.

"Fucking greedy." He kisses her again. "Good thing I'm all fucking yours."

*

Jonathan Yvo Sandejas,

I was about to address this to you with 'Dear', but I don't think you are. Dear, that is. I think you're an asshole.

But wow. Have I told you much I love your name?

No, of course not. How could I when you don't even know I exist?

Well, maybe you do know. And you just...don't give a shit.

Which is fine. Well, maybe not fine. You're annoyingly attractive and hot and I think about your white-blonde hair and bright blue eyes and your sharp nose and pretty lips all the time. It's frustrating!

I liked you when I was a clueless little freshman, and even though I stumbled on your desk and you looked at me like I wasn't someone worth your time, I still liked you. I mean, I cried my eyes out, but damn. I still get butterflies when you walk in the room. I still steal glances at you in the dining hall and in the library. I still go to lacrosse games to watch you—and I can't stand watching lacrosse.

I hear the girls talking about how much they think you're gorgeous and want to date you and I want to shout out, "Me too! None of you bitches are special!" but I don't. I scream it in my head.

I also had a dream about you the other night. Several other dreams, actually. And it's...well, I'm blushing, and it's not appropriate to put in a love letter.

Is that what this is? No, this is a goodbye letter. When Dane and I were together, I didn't look for you. I had no time to think about you and I didn't because it's not fair to my boyfriend and I really liked him. Well, ex now. We broke up.

So now I'm looking for you again and thinking about you and I want you to call me sweetheart with your deep voice and I want to know how you feel like in a kiss. How your hands would feel like if I held them, how you'd say my name, and how you'd pull me closer in bed.

But it's not like I'll ever have a chance with you, and I really don't want to put myself through hopeless delusions any longer. I'm hoping that by confessing my feelings through this letter—even though it will never be sent to you—it would be enough.

I like you, Yvo.

P.S. How do three letters look so beautiful in an ordinary font like Times New Roman?

Sincerely,

Blaise Finch

P.P.S. I wanted to sign this with 'Yours', but I'm not.

*

title card! HAHAHAHA