Chapter 20: Better Days

NOELLE

I thought I was so different from Julian Ellis Trinidad. But the more time I spent with him—even if it was only for a few days—I realized we actually had a lot in common. We worry about the people around us more than we worry about ourselves.

"I want you to live your life. Fulfill everything you were meant to. Don't hold back just for me."

I saw the protest on his face, even if he didn't say it out loud. He wanted to stay—I could see it in his eyes. I knew he only time-traveled, and ever since I found out, I started researching too. And I learned that every action has consequences.

Alam ko na hindi siya ganoon lang kalaya na magpabalik-balik sa dalawang magkaibang panahon.

Ayaw ko lang siyang mapahamak.

At ayaw niya rin akong mapahamak...

I just gave him a small, reassuring smile.

I was letting him go.

Dahil sa totoo lang, kung puwede lang, gugustuhin ko rin na manatili na lang siya rito sa tabi ko...

But that would be selfish of me, wouldn't it?

Kung puwede lang sana na magpaka-selfish na lang ako. Magpaka-selfish na lang kaming dalawa. Pero hindi kasi ganoon iyon.

I didn't want anyone to suffer just because of me—dahil lang sa kagustuhan namin ni Julian na manatili sa tabi ng isa't isa.

Because what about our loved ones? Our families and friends?

And loving... shouldn't be selfish.

Am I sure it's love? But how can anyone be sure of their feelings? Sometimes emotions can be confusing. But if it isn't love, then what is it?

What is it if it makes your heart flutter? If it makes you nervous—but happy—just to be around someone?

Julian was looking at me deeply.

Then he squeezed my hand back and looked at me seriously.

"Okay... but only if you promise me something, too," he said.
I tilted my head slightly, curious. He wanted me to make a promise?

"Promise me you'll always put yourself first. Your safety. Your life. No chasing after anyone. No taking risks for me or for anyone else. Please."

I know my smile faltered just a little—it tugged at my heart. I was moved by his words. And then I nodded at him. I was serious, too.

And I would keep that promise. I treasured it in my heart. At alam ko na palagi ko itong pakatatandaan.

"Promise me, Noelle."

"I promise," I whispered. "I'll take care of myself." And I meant it.

Sineryoso ko talaga ang pangako namin ni Julian sa isa't isa.

And for a moment, it felt like we were both holding on—and saying goodbye—all at once.

And I think he felt it, too.

That was our last conversation.

And now I'm talking with my mom.

It's never been easy, as a daughter, to open up fully to your own mother—lalo na kung matagal na rin kayong hindi nagkakaintindihan. But this time, I feel like I finally have the courage to do it. To finally tell her what I've been thinking all this time.

It started earlier, during dinner. Kumpleto kami—ako, si Mommy, si Daddy, at ang nakatatanda kong kapatid. Maraming kwento si Ate sa hapag tungkol sa achievements niya. While I just remained quiet, like I usually do.

Sanay kasi ako na parang wala lang ako kumpara sa Ate ko.

But then I remembered how Julian praised me. How he told me I was amazing. When he found out I was part of the high school student government, and also the student manager for the school's soccer team.

Hindi ko pa halos namamalayan sa sarili ko pero napangiti na pala ako nang maalala ko iyon.

"What's wrong, Noelle Sarina? Are you smiling?"

Natigilan ako at nag-angat ng tingin kay Mommy. Bahagya akong umiling.

"Wala po, Mommy. May naalala lang po ako..."

Masungit ang tingin sa akin ni Mommy.

"Stop doing that—letting your mind wander again. Be more present, instead of acting weird..." Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya.

She often told me before na hindi niya na raw ako masyadong naiintindihan. That I was like this—often acting strangely.

"If you were just more friendly and more active, you could be just like your sister."

"Tama na, hon. Huwag mo nang masyadong pagsabihan si Noelle. Kumakain tayo," sabi naman ni Daddy.

Bahagya akong ngumiti sa kanya, at ganoon din si Dad sa akin. He's always been busy with work, pero kumpara kay Mommy, hindi siya ganoon ka-strict sa akin.

"Ayaw ko lang kasi na ganyan siya, hon. She's our daughter and I just want what's best for her," Mommy said, looking at me.

Nagbaba na lang ako ng tingin.

And then, after dinner, I finally had the courage to open up and talk to my mom.

Julian had given me that courage.

"How's school?" she asked.

"Ayos naman po, Mommy," I answered quietly.

She let out a sigh.

"Huwag mo sanang masamain ang mga sinasabi ko sa'yo. Ayaw ko lang kasi na ganyan ka..."

Listening to her, it almost felt like there was something wrong with me. But I also saw the conflict on her face. Alam ko na hindi siguro iyon talaga ang ibig niyang sabihin. Maybe she was just struggling to find the right words.

"Nasanay ako na wala naman po kayong pakialam sa akin, Mommy..." I said softly.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Mommy, and her eyes widened slightly. I still felt that growing up—like her attention was always more for my sister.

We were opposites, my sister and I. I was always quiet, habang si Ate naman, she was outgoing and sociable. At iyon ang gusto ni Mommy, since she herself was a social butterfly. I remember how she used to get upset whenever I was too shy to face people. And in the end, she would send me back to my room while Ate took my place entertaining guests.

"But someone showed me he cares about me... even more than himself..." I added, thinking of Julian.

Umawang ang labi ni Mommy. I saw her lips tremble. She blinked.

"Hindi totoo iyan, Sarina. I do care for you. And I'm just... worried," her voice started firm, but then it softened.

Naramdaman ko na rin ang pag-iinit ng mga mata ko habang nakikita ko na rin ang bahagyang pamumula ng mga mata ni Mommy. Mukhang maiiyak na rin siya. But before the tears could fall, she wrapped me in a tight, warm embrace.

Yumakap lang din ako kay Mommy.

And from that moment on, I knew—better days are coming.