(Ep. 5: The Nina Project)

When Gwen was nine years old, she started thinking about death.

Having flatlined for a few minutes while her dad was declared dead on the scene certainly brings someone to ponder on every single life choice they've made, even if they're young. She managed to escape death's grasp and wave it goodbye for the meantime, settling that someday they would meet again, but in a very long time. Well, at least that's what she thought.

Max's encounter with Vecna left her thinking a lot about the grim reaper. The young girl escaped him and survived, she fought through and continued on to live and not just survive. Sounds like a miracle if she's being honest.

Gwen's not sure if anyone would even care to know her favorite song. Hell, if anyone even remembers it. Regardless if they somehow manage to remember, she's not sure if she'd be willing to allow the music's chords to save her. Maybe she would just let Vecna take her. Maybe everyone would be happy without her.

Three people died because of her and surviving this feels selfish. Barb gave up her life to save her when it should have been the other way around. Even if getting into the Upside Down had been accidental, Gwen should have focused on keeping her friend alive instead of trying to be all tough and mighty. Barb wanted to stay at Steve's house until it was safe, and Gwen denied her suggestion because of her damn ego. And now, look at where Barb is.

Dead.

Billy becoming possessed by the Mind Flayer had been her fault as well. She shouldn't have stopped driving and instead kept going all the way to her house. Maybe then, he would've followed her and wouldn't have been driving past Cornwallis where the Mind Flayer had been fermenting in. But instead, she chose to stop and lead him on because she thought it would be funny to watch him drive away as she ditches him. And now, look at where he is.

Dead.

Since Billy had been her fault, that means Hopper's death was also hers. The Mind Flayer had returned again and if it wasn't for all the Flayed becoming one, the Gate shouldn't have been closed. Well, the Russians had a major role in it, but it doesn't change how the Battle of Starcourt wouldn't have happened if Billy hadn't become the host. As always, Hopper just had to be the hero and be the one to close it, and now look at where he is.

Dead. All of them are dead and it's all her fault.

Fighting to survive when lots of lives have been lost feels selfish and quite frankly, Gwen feels undeserving of it. Even if Vecna might continue living on, at least she won't be messing anything else up and sending a large butterfly effect to ripple everyone's lives. She'd be gone. She'd finally be with her dad and everyone would be better off.

What better way to go than keeping this curse silent? No one needs to know about her nightmares, of having seen a grandfather clock at the library, of how much her headaches are getting worse, and especially, they can't know her favorite song as it's the one thing that would save her.

While everyone is sleeping soundly, Gwen's sitting on the steps of the Wheeler's basement sipping a cup of coffee and trying her best not to fall asleep. She's exhausted, both mentally and physically and is well aware that getting some rest is needed, but she's afraid of her nightmares. She's afraid of how vivid they've become that for a mere moment, they feel as if they're not dreams, but instead a reality. Like Dustin says, almost like being stuck in a trance.

Her eyes wander around, watching how everyone is calmly sleeping. Max has her head placed on Lucas' lap and her headphones are still on her, Kate Bush on loop and loud as ever. Robin found some comfort in sleeping with her head resting on her arms against the coffee table. Next to her is Daphne, who was finally able to escape her parents and make Erica cover for her. Nancy is just a few inches from them laying on the ground, curled into a ball and snuggling into her blanket, and Dustin has fallen asleep sitting up straight with his back resting against the tv.

And Steve, well, he's found a comfortable spot on a lounge chair. His legs are curled together in an unnatural position and his face is peaceful, deep in tranquility that gives out he's having the best sleep of his life.

Gwen gazes at him, her expression so enamored and longing. She can feel the apples of her cheeks burning up as her heart starts racing at the lovely sight. Being with him, but not actually being with him is painful. How can Gwen believe she could ever push her feelings aside? How can she pretend it's not killing her being apart?

Steve sends her into a frenzy, into an unquenchable fire that ignites a burning passion she's afraid will never end. Even after all these months of not being together, he still looks at her like she's his everything, like she's the light in a dismal path, and like she's the solution to all of life's uncertainties.

And Gwen's not sure of what she did to deserve it. Not after how she ended things on Christmas Day.

December 25, 1985

After six months since Starcourt, Gwen finds herself still trapped in the memory of the worst night of her life. She had seen a lot of messed up things before, more than anyone can imagine, but July 4th had been the last drop before the glass spilled over. Sure she survived something traumatic, but Gwen was anything but grateful.

Surviving doesn't mean you're off the hook. It just means you're now forced to deal with the aftermath all on your own. Well, it's not like she's alone in this, she knows that. It's the fact that everyone appears to have moved on.

They're all pretending as if nothing happened and are going on about their lives normally. As if lots of people hadn't died that night, as if Hopper hadn't vanished into thin air, as if the Byers didn't run away from this cursed town with no intentions of coming back. Everyone is acting like everything is okay, and that's what's killing her.

Don't get her wrong. Gwen is well aware everyone deals with their shit differently, but she figured that since all of them went through this together, maybe they could support each other and help one another to get through this, but nothing is happening.

Max has distanced herself from everyone. Mike, Dustin, and Lucas are growing apart as they're all sharing different interests. Daphne got busy with cheerleading and ditched everyone, Robin became focused on band, Nancy buried herself into her Hawkins Post column, Jonathan's been smoking weed that he rarely has time to answer the phone, and Steve refuses to speak about his feelings anymore.

Gwen has never been good at voicing her emotions, let alone deal with them. But when she started dating Steve, she felt safe and comfortable speaking to him about it. They both went through messed up shit and survived, so it seems reasonable that they talk about it with each other, right? Well, Steve thought the complete opposite.

He prefers ignoring the problem and brushing it under the rug. He pretends all they went through had been a terrible nightmare and settles on focusing on his work and spending their free time having sex.

As much as she loves being with her boyfriend, she misses the time when they used to spend all night talking. She misses hearing his dreams, his goals, just everything about his hopes for the future, but everything changed after Starcourt and set their relationship to shambles.

She would never reprimand him for that. Gwen understands everyone deals with trauma differently, it's just how much he appears to be pushing her away by choosing to get physical instead of speaking to her. Despite him giving her love and affection, she has never felt more unwanted and not trusted. It's exhausting pushing her feelings aside, even more with the person she loves most and trusts in this world.

Now it's Christmas and Steve's spending the night since his parents flew all the way to London for some business trip they claimed they couldn't get out of. Knowing Steve would resort to downing his father's liquor cabinet if he spent the night alone, Gwen asked him to stay over until his parents got back.

Standing under the archway of the living room, she admires her mom and Dustin dancing to "Let it Snow" all while Tews struggles to sleep from how loud the room is. She holds a cup of hot cocoa that's been spiked with bourbon she stole from Steve. It's helping the pressure on her chest diminish since today out of all days, she just had to wake up feeling worse than usual. Why couldn't she just be happy for at least today on her favorite holiday?

"You're standing under the mistletoe," Steve whispers into her ear as he wraps his arms around her stomach. He rests his head on her shoulder and presses gentle kisses on her neck. Usually, this type of action would send a rush of adrenaline and make her weak to the knees, but tonight, his kisses feel suffocating. It sure doesn't help that the alcohol is making her irritation worsen, so standing by him is only making her mood decline.

Gwen pushes herself off and forces a smile, one she's become too accustomed to giving and has everyone convinced. She downs the cup in a giant gulp and places it on the coffee table. The second she looks up, she's met by his disappointed look. Damn it, she hates that look. His big brown doe eyes are her greatest weakness and always makes her crumble.

"My mom must have put it there," she points out before glancing back to see her brother and Claudia still dancing. "I'll take it down."

"Why? We can just pay up and smooch it up," Steve takes a step closer and places his broad arm around her shoulder. His warmth emits like radiation onto her body, creating a terrible sensation that makes the increase of pressure in her chest worsen. She clenches her teeth and breathes slowly, her mind counting to ten as she doesn't want to ruin the night just like she ruins everything else.

"Steve, I don't want to," her voice comes out harsher than intended. She practically shoves his arm off and is quick to remove the mistletoe. "Can you just get the damn hint?"

A wave of hurt pains his heart at her rejection. He tries hiding it by putting on a false smile, but is unable to for the first time. He's sensed for a while that something's been wrong with Gwen, and Steve knows he's playing a part in worsening her mood. It's not like he hasn't noticed how physical they've been getting and have been talking less about their feelings. He can't deny wanting to speak about his emotions, but he's afraid of breaking in front of her and admitting how much the Starcourt incident has wounded him terribly. Especially as it's clear she's dealing with a lot as well.

He's seen the way she's struggling. How can he not? She smiles less, laughs less, doesn't give those snarky comments anymore, and appears to have lost hope that all this upside down mess disappears for good. He knows choosing sex over dealing with their problems is unhealthy, but he thought that's what she wanted. That she would prefer not discussing all the trauma and would rather pretend as if nothing happened. Perhaps he has been wrong all this time. Maybe he doesn't know her as well as he thought.

Steve takes a deep breath and follows her into the kitchen. She's sitting on the island just eating a batch of gingerbread cookies and to wash it all down, a bottle of bourbon is resting on her side. "Are you okay?"

Seriously? Is that all you got? Of course she's not okay! Couldn't you come up with something better, you idiot?

"Yeah, I'm fine," Gwen mutters, not bothering to look up at him as she simply takes a giant sip from the bottle.

"Come on, Gwen. Dustin and your mother are in the next room," Steve tries to reason with her, but it doesn't appear to work when she hops off the island and starts walking out the back door with the bottle. "Shit. Where are you going?" He discreetly heads to the front door, making sure not to alert her family of anything being wrong and grabs her coat and is quick to follow her out.

She's standing far from the house by the edge of the forest, her head tilting back as she drinks more of the bourbon. "Are you kidding me?" he complains as he's practically running in her direction.

Gwen turns around, her gaze hardening when seeing him. She rolls her eyes before holding the bottle out. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want some?"

Steve places her coat around her shoulders and grabs the alcohol, stealing it from her grasp until finally noticing it's one of the bottles from his father's cabinet. "So now you're stealing from me? Are you being serious right now?"

She lets out an aggravated sigh and turns on her heels to create more distance between them. He's acting all concerned now, but where was he when she needed him? He was nowhere around, except for when he wanted to make out like she was just one of his high school hook ups. Now he has the nerve to act worried? Ridiculous.

Instead of belting out what she's feeling, Gwen chooses to take the other route. If he spent all this time refusing to speak about what happened, then so be it. She would give him a taste of his own medicine.

Harshly taking the bourbon from his hand, she takes the last sip before dropping the bottle into the snow. The ice prevents the glass from shattering, offering a perfect resting place to divulge in. "So it's okay for you to drink, but if I do it, suddenly it's wrong?"

Steve swallows hard, his jaw clenching and nerves burning. His heart starts beating frantically and there's a huge weight on his shoulders. He's been trying extremely hard to hide those empty bottles whenever she sleeps over. He drives in the dead hours of the night all the way to the only liquor store that doesn't ask for an ID just to cover his tracks, and it seems his efforts went to waste at her revelation.

He knows the double standards of telling her he can drink, but she can't. It makes him sound like a hypocrite and reminds him of how his dad would defend his actions because he's a man and can do as he pleases. Steve hates feeling this way, like he's becoming more like his cheating and neglectful father. He's afraid of being him and the fact that he's being reminded of him in this situation, makes everything worse as maybe, his fate has already been sealed and he's just like him.

Standing in front of her watching how the moonlight strikes her features and makes them more beautiful than ever, sets things into perspective. Stealing liquor from him is the first step to an inevitable downfall, and despite knowing how unhealthy it is for him to do this as well, he will never let her lose herself this way. He wants better for her, for her to be happy, to be safe, and to be healthy. Of course it's not okay for her to drink this shit even if he does.

"Just because I'm messing up my life doesn't mean you have to follow my footsteps!" he seethes, ignoring the pain of seeing her this way. He needs to be firm, to be strong for her as it seems he's been failing her all this time. "You can't be drinking this shit to avoid your problems."

Gwen scoffs, her eyes widening as a wry laugh escapes the curvatures of her lips. "You're one to talk. You pretend everything is great by going to parties every day, by drinking every night, and just using me for sex," she scolds, her voice shaking in anger. "I'm just a body to you now. I'm just the girl you can fuck to avoid dealing with your shit!"

"You know that's not it," Steve argues, his head shaking in disbelief at her words. "I'm trying to resume my life back to how it was. I'm trying to move forward and not let some tragedy ruin my future. You're not a body to me! You're my girlfriend and the most important person to me!"

"Bullshit."

That word.

That damned word that's been haunting him like a ghost since last year. The word that broke him in ways he never expected to be broken. The word that made him realize he was nothing but a tragedy, just someone who deserves all the awful things happening to him and much worse.

It was different when Nancy said it as he wasn't truly in love with her. He was able to move past it and send it to the back of his mind when he started dating Gwen, the girl he couldn't believe he was lucky enough to have fallen in love with. She makes him feel safe, deserving of all the great things this world can offer, and gives him hope for the future as she's always there when he envisions it.

Hearing this word from the person he loves most, hurts him in the worst possible way. More than all the annual blows to the head, more than all the torture endured at the hands of those Russians, and more than the neglect of his parents.

This is like dying over and over again.

This hurts a million times more than anything beyond imaginable.

This... is killing him.

"What?" His voice is barely a whisper, its sound resembling more of a whimper.

"Can you not see that everything is fucked up?!" Her words are a drunken haze, tumbling against the other as she glares at him through her eyelashes. "Our lives are complete bullshit! Everyone is leaving and everyone is dying!"

"And what do you want me to do?!" He's not even aware of yelling until hearing his voice fill the forest. She stands completely still, her expression furious and filled with all the grief she's repressed for so long. He averts his gaze to the snow, taking a deep breath before choosing to stare into those piercing blue eyes. "You want me to just sit around and let everything that's happened ruin me?! Is that what you want?! For me to become broken?!"

Gwen clenches her jaw, her stare firm and harsh as ever. Even after everything, he still doesn't understand what she wants from him, what she needs from him. He doesn't get that she wants to know he's still there, that he knows she's still someone he can trust and not be afraid of being honest, but he's adamant of pushing her aside, of only using her for a distraction.

"As if you aren't already," she growls, her voice sharp and bitter.

Steve clenches his jaw, his entire being becoming filled with an unbearable pain. He tries saying something, anything, but the words die on his lips. Nothing he says will change the fact that it's true. He's nothing more than a broken boy just waiting for someone to pick up the pieces. He hoped she would be the one to do so, but placing this burden on her is far from his realm of desires. Maybe he is broken, maybe all of them are and it's the reason for this mess in the first place.

"Take a look at yourself. I'm not the one who's drunk out of my mind," he retorts, rolling his eyes before turning around to walk to his car. He figures all they need is some time to cool off. Some time to take a breather and think everything over. This is nothing more than just an argument and by morning, everything will be better. They'll return to how they once were and pretend this never happened. Everything will be alright.

"You're a fucking coward," Gwen's not sure why she continues speaking, let alone saying these terrible things when she doesn't mean it. Especially calling him a coward when he's far from it. "Pretending to be alright is complete bullshit. Just like you."

Steve stops in his tracks, his heart fully shattering at her piercing words. His lungs swell, struggling to find the needed air, hot and angry tears pricking at his eyes for allowing himself to open up to someone and get hurt. Even if these months have been the happiest he's been, he never envisioned feeling this amount of pain at the hands of the woman he loves.

Deep down, Steve knows this isn't his Gwen. She's in pain, she's struggling with everything and is trying to push him away. He more than anyone gets that, how can't he? He can't let her words get through to him. No, he won't allow it. He loves her and is willing to go to great lengths to make sure she's safe and happy. Leaving her in her time of need isn't the answer, so he decides to push his aching away all for her.

Turning around, he blinks away his tears and puts on the tough facade he's learned to master. He heads in her direction and stands a few inches from her, "You don't mean that and I'm not letting you push me away because guess what?" He raises his hand, the one that holds the ring she gave him. His most valuable and treasured gift that he would never dare take off, not even in his death will he remove it. "We made a promise to love each other even when we hate one another. To never run and to stay together when things get hard. Nothing you say will make me leave. Nothing."

Gwen fiddles with her ring, the coolness of the metal sending shivers down her spine. She hates herself for how much she's hurting him. He's Steve, the man she loves and envisioned spending the rest of her life with, but now, everything is different. She feels so alone, so unwanted and so unloved. How can she move past this? How can she pretend this isn't killing her?

When she sees him, she's overcome with adoration and fondness. Her cheeks are a deep crimson and her heart is racing as faster than ever. Seeing him reminds her of just how much she loves him, but also reminds her of everything wrong that's happened in their relationship. "Promises are meant to be broken."

"Gwen, don't do this," he pleads, his voice breaking and eyes melting. "I'll do whatever you want. I'll fix this. I'll be better. I'll-"

"I can't do this anymore," she interrupts, taking a few steps back as she tries to refrain from breaking. Being with him has been the happiest she's been. He's been incredible, the most perfect and adoring boyfriend... until he wasn't. There's no such thing as a happy ending. Love doesn't fix all things wrong with the world and it's certainly not the answer to everything. She's been drowning in this darkness, seeking for him to save her, and all he does is watch her drown. He stands on the sidelines pretending nothing is wrong and expects her to be okay with it.

How could she let herself wander into something that was nothing more than a fantasy?

"We shouldn't be together anymore," she chokes back on a sob, her gaze averted to the trees surrounding them. "I can't be with you, so let's just end this."

Steve doesn't understand what's happening. He can't believe his greatest fear is becoming a reality. She's breaking up with him, she's breaking their promise and choosing to run. No, he can't let this happen. He can't lose the woman he loves.

"We will get through this," he cries, "We always have, so there's no need to end things."

"You're not hearing me!" she dismisses his words, pushing them aside as her mind has already been set. Not being in the right mindset is breaking her. It's making her hate herself and wish she had perished in the mall fire. How can she dare to bring him down with her? Gwen loves him too much to let him drown in her darkness, so it's best she sets him free and lets him find the happiness he deserves. "I don't want to be with you anymore!"

"You don't love me?" His voice breaks at the question, dread and sheer terror drowning him as he awaits her response. If she doesn't love him, he needs to hear it loud and clear. He needs to hear the sound of her voice admitting it in order for him to accept it. If not, there's no way he's bound to let her go, not if they can do something to work this out.

Of course I do. I love you so much that breaking up with you is killing me! But I can't keep pretending as if everything is perfect! It's ruining my life and making me into this person I don't even recognize, and I can't bring you down with me.

"We're over."

That last sentence cuts him deeper than anything ever has. He swears his heart stopped beating at that moment. Everything around him, the snow falling, the Christmas music from the house, the sound of the wind, have all faded into nothing. Just pure nothing, because that's what his life is about to become. Without her, there's no reason for anything. He's nobody without her, he's a fool, a complete idiot that's bound to wreck everything.

Gwen is the air he breathes and now there's no more air.

There's nothing.

He can't bear to look at her any longer, even if his heart keeps calling out her name. There's no conceivable way possible that he can be in her presence when knowing they're no longer one. They're not Gwen and Steve anymore. There's not a future together, no chance of leaving this forsaken town and creating a life of their own, there's nothing but a void filling their being. Just pure emptiness.

Gwen watches as he turns around, his footsteps dragging themselves against the snow as he scurries in the direction of his burgundy car. Never once does he look at her again and she's grateful for it. If she were to gaze into his big brown eyes, she's about to take a few steps back and change her mind, and she's not sure of wanting that.

The rumble of his engine and the lights start to vanish into the road, leaving her with the heartache of her decision that cost her everything she holds dearly. She will never forget his pained look, the tears in his eyes and the way his voice broke when pleading with her. She had been the cause for his agony and Gwen will never forgive herself for it, even if she believed it was the right thing in setting him free.

Her eyes fill with tears and the intense pressure on her chest grows rapidly with every struggle to contain her sobs. She clutches her chest and collapses to her knees, the snow seeping through her jeans that numb the rest of her body from its frigidness. As much as she wishes to push her emotions aside, she's unable to as tears mercilessly stream down her cheeks. Nothing she does will prevent this heartache from easing, nothing.

She did this. She made the choice of ruining the greatest thing that's ever happened to her. Gwen can't blame anyone else but herself. The true instigator for her pain, her well deserved ounce of agony after having survived while those deserving of it didn't.

Her eyes wander up to the sky, the flakes of snow have turned into flurries and there's only the faint light of the moon shining. There's nothing but a glimpse of darkness around her, the reflection of the stars gently hitting the coats of ice and the deadened branches of the trees.

Gwen closes her eyes, her sobs only getting louder and her heartbreak worsening through every breath. She tries controlling her breathing, but the searing pain only magnifies through every struggle.

Everything worsens in a matter of a few seconds once the fireworks from the next door neighbors start going off. Just hearing the blaring sound, the way all the colors bounce to the ground around her sends her six months back to that dreadful Fourth of July.

She had been fighting for her life against Natalia knowing the strength of the Mind Flayer laid within her. Every hit, every puncture, the feeling of her fingers breaking and ribs cracking are felt again. As if she's relieving everything and she's back at that damned mall. The memory of that night haunts her like a ghost, holding her captive in the prison of her mind as the chains get tighter with every firework going off.

Her hands reach up to her ears, her palms pressing rather too aggressively against them in an attempt to block the bellowing sound. The ground beneath her starts shaking, the trees appear to be closing in, and everything she sees is turning into a dazy blur. Her lungs struggle in finding the needed oxygen, but she's forgotten how to breathe. Through every constrict, the more her throat closes and suffocation consumes her.

She clutches onto the snow as if it's keeping her grounded. Its icy touch embraces her into a freezing blanket that awakens the last logical part of herself. One, two, three, she counts repeatedly. Slowly but surely, her breathing starts becoming less frantic, offering some relief to her heartache that only opens up the realization that it won't be the last time this happens.

It's only the beginning.