April 2, 2010

His voice echoes in my mind over and over, even when I know he's no longer there and to my complete and utter despair--no longer in my life. I keep my face buried in my hands, hoping to keep the tears at bay, but they trickle through anyway as I bring my knees to my chest in some feeble attempt to hold my trembling and frail frame from falling apart. That's truly how I feel, as though I'll just crumble into nothing; or, perhaps I just wish I could.

I spent so long promising over and over and over that I'll always be there for him,that I'll be someone he can fall back on--come home to in search of comfort and safety. I didn't tell him to stop when he encouraged me everyday to hold on to hope, because I knew it was the only thing keeping him from losing his own. I let him have hope and then... I just tore it away.

No, I can't think that way. I know why I did this, it's to protect him. He watched his father change into a monster, his mother change into stranger. I saw how badly it all effected him even to this day despite how far he's come, how it would always effect who he is as a person. I can't let him watch me become nothing but a corpse, because that's what I'm doomed to become. 

Fear. Finally hitting me as my breathing becomes rapid and I finally remove my hands to hug my legs closer and press my forehead hard against my knees. Five years at most. That isn't even a guarantee. It could be four, or two--hell, it could be a month from now if the treatment doesn't work.

Suddenly, a shout made up of agony, anger and terror rips out of my throat as I grab the pillow from the bed and whip it across the room, knocking over a vase with flowers, but I couldn't care less. This isn't me, this anger doesn't sound right coming from me, but it's all I can feel.

"Oh, Jacen," At the sound of Grams' voice, I raise my head and feel the rapid breathing turn into endless sobs. 

"Grams, I-I'm--"I hiccup, but she hushes me as she takes a seat beside me and pulls my head into the crook of her neck. Her small arms somehow wrap around my much larger frame and make me feel tiny and protected as she's always had a magical way of doing.

With her chin resting on top of my head, I hear her whisper, "I know, he told us."

My chest tightens at the mention of him. I love Grams, and I love my family who I know is bound to come through the door any moment, but the one i want holding me most is the one who I just forced out of my life with every bit of strength I had left. That single thought sent me back into a fit of sobs, and I think Grams understands because she merely rubs my back and hushes my family as they slowly enter the room. I can hear their own sniffles and can only imagine their distraught expressions, but I can't face them. I don't want to face anyone, I just want to close my eyes and dream of a time before now. A time when my life still had promise and hope.

"Jace? Did you really do all this?" His soft, cautious voice reaches me, but I'm too busy staring at first.

He looks radiant. I've never seen him cleaned up before, and all I can think is that he was the most beautiful creature to ever exist. From his soft brown hair, to the dark chocolate eyes, to his shoulders always set a little forward as if he could make himself small enough to go unnoticed. However, with the lights shining their soft light down on him, he is under a heavenly spotlight in my eyes; front and centre on the stage within my heart.

I nod in response to his question at last, and can't help but smile at his wonder-struck gaze taking everything in, before locking on my own as I pull him into my embrace, "For you, yes. I wanted to give you your prom, one night all about you. You deserve at least one normal teenage experience. So, I thought why not make it the night that is supposed to be the most magical night of your life until your wedding? By the way, you look so handsome."

A warmth resonates in the pit of my stomach, rising to envelope my heart in it's comforting heat--following Kai's hands as they glides up my chest until they rest on either side of my face. His eyes staring at me with an expression I'd never seen before. I want to know the name of the emotion in his eyes, understand why he would look at me in such a way and capture it like a photograph in my mind so I can never forget.

Before I can ask, and without explanation, he presses his lips to my own and somehow, all my questions are answered. I still don't know how to properly describe that look in his eyes, but I can feel it in his kiss and in a way unique to him, he makes me understand. Sometimes, words aren't enough when feelings exceed such simple and mundane descriptions, when they're so much more than any language could ever explain.

At the cue of the music, I smile into the kiss and with my hands placed gently on his waist, I begin to sway us side to side to the rhythm of the song. Kai pulls back from the kiss, cheeks flushed and slightly out of breath and all I can think about is how badly I want to kiss him again, and so I do and I feel my heart flutter when he eagerly complies.

I relish in the feeling of holding Kai close, slipping my thumbs beneath the hem of his shirt to rub gentle patterns along the soft skin of his lower back. I nearly lost him, but he's alive and well and he's here in this incredible moment with me and that means more to me than I can possibly ever express. Releasing him from the kiss, I wrap my arms tighter around the sweet boy before me, pulling him closer so his head rests against my chest for a while before he peeks up at me, and I simply press a soft kiss to his forehead. Kai is a treasure, one that needs protecting and in that very moment I realised just how willing I am to be his shield and sword for as long as he needs.

"I won't give up on us

even when the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up," I sang quietly as we sway and twirl beneath the glow of the fairy lights.

"Jace?" A voice pulls me out of the memory and I suddenly remember where I am and I'm filled with dread as I wish I could remain in the past for even just a second longer.

I look to my brother who'd been trying to get my attention and wipe at my tear stained cheeks, "Sorry, I'm okay."

"Are you, son?" My father asks, looking at me wearily, remembering how close the cancer came to breaking my will the first time. 

I open my mouth to say yes, but the words never leave my lips and I just end up dropping my gaze. Truth is, I'm not okay. This time, there is no second chances, only hope for a miracle that my impossible odds can be beat. 

"We're not giving up, Jacen," My mom insists, coming forward to take my hand in both of hers, tears stinging her eyes. "We're going to try everything, meet with every doctor. Whatever it takes to make you healthy again, I'm not letting my baby boy be taken from me."

"Mom," I whisper, voice cracking from the sob that lodges in my throat. "I'm scared."

For the first time in a long time, my mom hugs me. Not in a greeting or formal fashion, but a real, motherly embrace that makes a fresh wave of tears escape as I grip onto her tightly and bury my face against her thin shoulder. For the first time in a long time I just feel like a boy who needs to be held by his mother.

April 6, 2010

"Who is it?" I ask numbly, staring out the window, but not really looking at anything in particular.

Grams sighs, taking a seat in the chair next to my bed, "Who do you think?"

I close my eyes, willing the tears not to return today. This makes the fourth day in a row Kai has tried to visit the hospital. I figured after being turned away the first time he'd understand, but he keeps coming back. I wish he'd just make things easier on both of us and let me go, stop fighting a battle that can't be won. That thought alone ends the fight against the tears and I don't bother to wipe them away this time; I just don't care anymore.

"Do you miss him?" Grams asks quietly after a few moments.

I sigh, lips trembling, "Of course I do, more than anything. I don't want to be going through this without him."

"Then, why won't you let him in?" She asks, but I told her before, and I'll never change my mind.

"He deserves better than that," I say resolutely, lifting my chin and watching the clouds float by above the city. "This hurt him, but watching me die would just hurt him more and he'd have to start accepting losing me at some point anyway. Better like this, remembering me like this and not... how I will be."

Grams rests a hand on mine, gripping it tightly, "You talk as if you've already lost."

I smile sadly, "Haven't I?"

"Nonsense!" The woman scoffs, shaking her head at me.

"How are you so positive right now?" I ask, genuinely curious and confused.

"I have hope," She insists, but her sad eyes lack strong confidence. "You just need to be willing to fight and be strong, Jace. Everyone here is going to do everything they possibly can for you, but you need to do your part, too. You can't give in, and say you've lost or you have. It's like laying down your sword before the battle's begun, you can't possibly know the outcome, no matter the circumstances. Life is unpredictable, you should know this better than most. Promise me--for your sake, mine, your parents and even Kai's--you have to keep fighting."

Lifting my watery gaze to the older woman who is quite possibly the strongest and wisest person I've ever known, I nod. Even if only to not break the heart of the woman who's done everything to help me be the happiest I can be and embrace who I am.

"I promise."

April 10, 2010

After a few days of being too weak to do much because of all the new medications I'm adjusting to, I finally find the strength to get out of bed and with permission, walk around the hospital a little. The doctor's said that even the little amounts of exercise and interaction will be good for me, since it's easy for a patient to become depressed cooped up in their room for extended periods of time. I scoffed when the doctor said that, because sure that's depressing, but I'm pretty sure the real reason might be because I'm dying, but I guess that was just too blunt for them to say.

Joanne walks with me to the cafeteria, chatting amicably about something she saw on TV she thinks I'd like, and I'm grateful she never mentions Kai. The first and only time she questioned it was the first time she ran into me, but after seeing my expression, she remained tight lipped and pleasant. It's nice, having one person just accept my choice without questioning whether it's the right or wrong one.

"Are you tired, we can sit," She suggests as we grab our drinks and muffins.

I sigh and nod, "Sure, but I'll be right back."

She smiles and offers to get us a seat while I make my way down the hall to the bathroom. After washing my hands and catching sight of my reflection, I can already see the stress wearing my body down and it's only been a week. I look pale and the bruises under my eyes aren't brutal, but they're becoming noticeable. I'd worked so hard to reach a point I looked healthy, and here I am withering away again. Sticking my tongue out at my reflection, I turn and walk out with a little less energy. I already wanted to go back to my room, but I'd just be bored in there and at least Joanne is good company.

Just as I'm reaching the dining section of the cafeteria though, I come to a halt and quickly slip behind a dividing wall at the sight of Kai approaching Joanne. They're close enough to hear, and I breathe out a quiet breath of relief that he hadn't seen me. I don't know what to do if he confronts me, I'm weak for him entirely and I can't allow him to pressure me into letting him come back. I just won't let it happen, it's for his own sake. I repeat this over and over and over in my head while the temptation to reach out to my love who is so close within reach eats away at my will power. Just as I'm about ti cave, I hear him speak and freeze to the spot.

"Jo... hey," His voice is so weak, so hollow.

"Oh! Kai, uhm how are you, dear?" Jo exclaims, sounding surprised and probably anxious of my return.

Kai sighs and I hear him shuffle on the spot and can imagine him clenching his fists in his sleeves nervously, "I came to see Jace... they still won't let me."

"Did they say why?" She asks, and I drop my gaze.

I spoke with my doctor shortly after I'd kicked Kai out, told him I didn't want him allowed to visit, but he required delicate handling. The nurse who runs the front desk is a friend of Erik's and as a favour agreed to just lie on my behalf, but they'd only keep it up for so long. If he doesn't give up, they'll eventually have to notify him of the situation though, and I only hope he stops before he gets hurt further.

"Today it's because he's not taking visitors on doctor's orders. Yesterday he was busy with treatment, and day before that he was asleep and they said they'd ask him if he woke up before visiting hours ended, but he never did," Kai speaks so quietly, but it reaches me as if he were screaming his pain directly at me, aiming to and succeeding in shattering my heart. 

"Kai... are you sleeping? Eating? I know you're worried about Jace, but you need to look after yourself too, after all your progress--"

"It doesn't matter!" Kai snaps, startling me as I hadn't hear that tone of voice in quite a long time, which worries me endlessly. "I just need to see him, that's all i care about. I'll live, but I need to see him, Jo. I miss him so bad, it's killing me to not know how he's doing."

"I know this is hard, but until the doctor's say so, or Jace pulls some strings, you need to be more patient. If you do get to see him, do you want to give him a fright? Look at you, I'm buying you something to eat right now--"

"it's fine," Kai sighs, the sound of a chair scraping making me wince. "I'll eat at home, it was nice seeing you, Joanne. If... if you see him, just tell him I'll be back. Every day, I'm coming back."

Tears fill my eyes as I listen to his retreating footsteps, every ounce of my soul wishing to chase after him--to hold him and take back all my cruel words and just comfort my broken-hearted lover. I want nothing but to soothe him, but knowing the consequences of the things i want to do are all that keeps me stuck in place. Instead, a sob lodges in my throat and I sink down the wall until I'm sat with my head in my hands.

Kai, please find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you so much, I'll love you until the day I stop breathing, I swear it.

A/N

Hey! So, what did you guys think?? It's kind of lame, but the first bit is sort of a recap to get in the flow of what happened at the end of memories from Jace's POV, and then his story begins shortly after! I'm honestly pretty excited about this story I can't lie :) 

Anyway, how have you all been!? I've missed writing a lot, but as much as I kept trying, I just was never in a good enough place to focus on much of anything. Let's break out a little honesty and such shall we? 

So! What has shay been up to? Well, last summer as some may recall, I ended a severely toxic and abusive relationship and moved hours and hourssss away from my home town to start new! I got a job, adventured, made friends, etc etc. I was at an all time high, which was when I started updating again, until the night at the club happened. I was assaulted on the dance floor and that sort of sent me spiralling into a state of isolation for much longer than i thought it would. In that time though, I met someone. A guy who happened to be pretty insta famous in the makeup community. All of my attention went to him tbh for a long time and i thought i was happy but it wasn't healthy in the slightest, it was just a band-aid for everything i was neglecting to address. he turned out to be someone extremely toxic who would hurt me with all their mind games and add onto all my bullshit problems too, so i mean that was sort of a doomed thing from the start. Thank god that ended though because it recently came to light that he is a sex offender and serial cheater and had three kids he kept secret the whole time :D PEOPLE ARE AWESOME. (Please note my sarcasm) 

ANYWAY! months of depressed and isolated shay go by and I'm slowly reaching a better place! I completely removed both guys who hurt me from my life, i am best friends with recent guy's ex girl who his offense was against. I'm friends with all the people he hurt actually, we all sort of banded together and it's lovely, they're all lovely.

Last but not least, I'm dating again. I'm very happily dating a girl named Danielle, who by the way is the person who drew the fan-art for the wedding chapter in Fate (She's amazingly talented js she's perfect in every way) Everything just feels like it's going up hill and I'm figuring my life out and coping with my mental health and I'm ready to come back to wattpad. And what better way to do it than with my boys who made me love it here in this community in the first place <3

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

~Shay<3