(Hurts Like Hell (Tony Stark Headcanon/Scenario)

MAJOR SPOILERS

Headcanon occurs a few years after Infinity War.

You can play the song up there while reading to add to the experience! :D)

(Credits to the prompt to @ MCUmnique on twitter! Thanks for destroying my heart!)

"Something's happening..."

"Quill?"

"Oh man..."

"Tony, there was no other way."

"I don't want to go. Please, save me, Mr. Stark!

I don't want to go."

That one. That one haunted him the most.

Tony Stark laid awake in his bed. It's been quite a while since he's had any relapses of the nightmares. It's been a few, long years after they've defeated Thanos, and things had slowly been going back to normal. Everything was calm at least. Everyone that died on that day was now back from the Soul Stone, resurrected and fully alive and healthy. Everyone was alive.

So why does his mind keep insisting to travel back to the time when they weren't?

It was 3AM in the morning. Half of New York, other than busy college students and young working adults were probably asleep by now. But Tony was wide awake. He gripped the sheets of his bed, blinking rapidly to rid his mind of the fast paced deaths that flashed across his eyes. Their confused, terrified last words began spiraling around like an uncontrollable echo, slowly choking him with their voices.

Peter's voice stood out the most.

He was too young. Peter was too young to experience something as traumatizing as that. And Tony blamed himself. When Peter returned from the Soul Stone, people were welcoming him back and Tony had been the first one to tackle him into a hug.

"Kid... I'm so sorry..."

"Oh my god, you're hugging me, it's happening!!"

"Yeah, I think we're there, kid."

He didn't care if people were watching. He didn't care about anyone but Peter during the moment. He had too many things to apologize for. Peter had tried to reassure him like the angel that he was, and Tony almost couldn't believe it. How pure of a heart did Peter Parker have to even acknowledge the thought of forgiving the man who put him into this mess?

Tony knew ever since then that Peter wasn't the same as before. Peter's nervousness would crank up to a million if anybody would even move threateningly. His hands would fidget. His eyes would dart around. He was always on guard, and Tony knew all of this was his fault.

Peter was supposed to be studying hard and working on projects to build up for a bright future. He was supposed to be doing science contests with the rest of his peers and having fun with his friends. He was supposed to be attending house parties and learning how to drive. He was supposed to be a teenager.

He wasn't supposed to risk his life. He wasn't supposed to be fighting for the lives of millions outside the planet, alone and scared. He was never supposed to be turning face to face with the strongest, deadliest creature putting himself in the first line of fire.

He was never supposed to feel the cold claws of death crawling up his body and feel his own limbs shred away to dust. He was a child.

He was never supposed to die, and feel it coming too early.

All of a sudden, Tony abruptly sat up, breathing heavily and letting out forced, rapid breaths. He fell out of the bed, landing on the floor, his coughs echoing around the room. His heart was pounding to no end, and his sight was dimming too quickly. He looked around, wheezing out his breaths. He took sight of Pepper asleep on the bed, her lovely amber red hair spreaded over their silk white sheets. The sight of her comforted him a little bit, but this time, the attack got the best of him.

His body felt like it was going to collapse any second, so he slowly crawled towards the door and into the hallway. He didn't want Pepper to wake up and catch him like this. The last time he had a panic attack he ordered one of his suits unconsciously and had almost hurt her. She's been wary of him ever since, and it would only ruin him more if she woke up and saw how vulnerable he looked.

Tony dragged himself to the hallway as he tried to catch his breath. It felt like something was slowly crushing his lungs, forcefully shoving painful nightmares into the back of his throat. His mouth felt dry, his eyes were turning bloodshot and red, and his heart was still racing.

This was where his newly advanced A.I, Friday, decided to step in.

"Sir, it seems to be that you are having another panic attack. Would you like me to wake Ms. Potts?" The A.I asked. Tony shook his head tears in the corner of his eyes. "No, no.. that.. that won't be necessary." He breathed out, grabbing his chest. "Agh, that...." He groaned, hunching over from the pain in his chest, which felt like it was being drilled into.

"Sir... would you like me to contact Peter?" The A.I spoke with a much softer tone. Peter's number flashed in front of his face, shining in bright blue letters. Tony was confused. He hadn't implemented Peter as a contact for emergency situations.

But for some reason... Tony wanted to hear Peter's voice. He wanted to hear.

He wanted reassurance.

"Okay... okay, call him." He breathed out.

-

Peter was at home, doing some schoolwork. He had a stockpile of schoolwork to do after his school was back up and running, so he needed all the time he had. After everything had been settled, it's where it had really dawned on him, and it was rough.

It had slowly sunk in. That he had died. That he had been erased from existence. He never got to say goodbye to his aunt May especially being the only family she had left. He didn't even know if his friends survived, and even if he had been knighted as an Avenger, he had failed the number one thing that all the Avengers had pledged to do.

To fight the battles that the rest of the world never could.

The first few weeks was rough. Nightmares were occasional, and it didn't really bother him that much. What had really damaged him, were the hallucinations. And the ghostly, creeping feeling of dust slowly crawling up his arms and legs. The first week after they won, he wasn't allowed to be Spiderman for a while. While it itched his subconscious to leap out the window and help those in need, he knew that if he tried to do that, he'd only be putting them in more danger. He couldn't risk endangering the lives of people he was trying to save because of visions he had in his mind.

He was broken. Damaged. And as long as he couldn't be calm enough to avoid hallucinations while protecting people, then he was just another ordinary science student. He was willing to wait to heal. Wait to recover and then return to helping people.

Problem was, it had been almost two years.

And he still had visions of dust. He still saw the wind blow his friends' ashes away. He still heard how they spoke in such a helpless tone, how they breathed out the last thing in their minds before fading away.

He could remember everything as if it happened yesterday. He could remember how how everyone didn't feel anything before fading. And he remembered the feeling of his enhanced spider senses strike him the moment people started to be blown to dust. He felt his arms tingle, then his nerves feeling like it was being electrocuted. He remembered how calm and painless it felt, but also how terrifying. He remembered how he realized what was going to happen to him, and how it had been so difficult to accept until the very last second.

When he was staring Tony Stark in the eyes, apologizing for not being able to do enough.

Peter had always seen Tony as a role model, as a person he idolized and aspired to be one day. But when he had recruited him, he felt less of an idol and more of a mentor and, to be quite frank, a careless teacher.

And when he had coached him and provided for him, he felt less of a mentor and more of a father.

Tony was never one to be affectionate with people, and Peter was one of those who constantly needed assurance and comfort. He always wanted to see even a crack of a smile on Tony's lips, which is why he always tried to cheer him up when they would meet off-duty. Long ago, when Tony had reached for that car door, Peter had felt a spark of hope that he had somehow gotten through him. But of course Tony was too reserved of a person.

Until the day Peter was crumbling away in his arms.

The most painful memory of all was his last. His final embrace with the man he saw as his father. Clinging onto him for dear life, trying to beg the world not to take him, begging for Mr. Stark to save him. And despite him wanting to erase that memory in his head, it was the memory that had always been stuck on repeat.

Peter was currently focused on scribbling down some scientific formulas for a paper that was due tomorrow, when his phone started to ring. He looked down at the caller ID, and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It was Tony Stark.

Why was Tony calling at this hour?

He took his phone and picked it up, pressing accept. "Hello?"

The very second Tony heard Peter's voice, his breathing got worse. He thought that hearing Peter speak would calm him down, but it only made it worse. Hearing how innocent and soft his voice was only added heaps more beatings to his conscience. His eyes shut tightly, his hands clenched as he pressed his back to the wall. His heart felt like it was about to burst. He struggled against the wall, before letting out a pained gasp. He could only make out a single word.

"...kid."

Peter was immediately alarmed, standing up. Instantly, he understood what was going on. He had known about Tony's anxiety issue, ever since his public display outside a bar years before, how he stumbled out and hid inside his suit, away from the eyes of the people. He knew where it was from and what had caused it. He knew how bad it would get.

And he knew he had to be there for him.

"Mr. Stark? You're okay, I'm here. Just breathe, okay? I won't go away, I never will again." Peter said slowly, speaking in a soft and calm tone. He addressed the first thing that Tony would've wanted to hear. That he wasn't going anywhere.

Tony listened. He held onto Peter's voice for dear life, letting his voice fill his mind.

"H-Hey we uh, we went on another field trip today! Since the last one sort of got uh, disturbed, we went on another one! It was so cool, we went to this really huge planetarium and stuff, and there were these big hologram planets everywhere!" He said with a laugh. "I heard you sponsored some of the equipment that got displayed there, which I was really proud of!" He said with a smile on his face. "Mr. Stark..." He said softly, his tone losing the enthusiasm. "I know you still blame yourself for what happened to me."

Tony's breath hitched in his throat when he heard him say those words. He pursed his lips.

"I know that you still think it was your fault that I... well, it doesn't matter now. Mr. Stark, whatever happened there was never your fault. There was nobody else to blame but the man with the intent to destroy half the planet. You shouldn't feel responsible for trying to stop what he was planning to do." Peter said quietly.

"You went to space with the intention of ending it and keeping it up in space. You went there knowing that you may not make it back. You fought selflessly, knowing that there was a chance you may never get to see the people you love ever again." He spoke, trying to stay as calm as possible despite getting choked up himself.

"Y-You told me I was an Avenger. You made me into somebody I had dreamed of being and yet, you still wanted to send me back to Earth. You still wanted to protect me and keep me safe. Mr. Stark, whatever happened to me back there, you are the farthest person to blame for it. You don't realize how selfless you are as a person, how much you were willing to sacrifice to save us. And I really do hope you do soon." He said. Peter's eyes travelled to the window, looking at the tall, glowing lights of the Stark tower.

Tony let his words fill his mind. He began to breath slower, his heartbeat lowering in pace. He could feel the claws of his fears slowly loosening, then letting go completely. His nerves eased up, and he let out a breath.

"Are you okay?? Are you calm now??" Peter asked anxiously on the other line, holding his phone nervously.

Tony's lips curled up into a small smile, looking up at the dark clouds outside the windows.

"Thanks, kid."