Chapter 16

Four days before Christmas...

*trigger warning- suicide attempt*

Some sound woke Lily before dawn, so stared out at the lake. There was a lightening of the gray between the clouds and the water that perfectly mirrored her mood. Her internal litany of self-deprecation had ceased and been replaced by the dull numbness that made every inhale and exhale an effort. Ava's bassinet and the rocking chair were gone so she made herself rise and go look for her baby. Jessica was alone in her room, squirming in her sleep as usual. In the next room, Aunt Evie was in the shower between their rooms. In the last room on the third floor, Kitty was dozing in the rocking chair with baby Ava asleep on her shoulder. The infant made a slight sound and moved a little.

Kitty's hand immediately began patting her back gently as she murmured the words of the Sleep Song into her niece's penny-colored curly halo.

"Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby, back to the years of..."

Tears leaked down Lily's face as she listened to the sister who loved her more than she deserved, while she loved and comforted her child with the song Kitty often sang to Lily when she was a little girl. The chorus of her gray despair whispered in the sound of her mother's hatred.

'You're such a bad mother, you didn't even know Ava was sick. You yelled at her to shut up. You almost wrecked twice driving her while you were high, just like your mother did. When will you start resenting and hitting Ava the way Belinda hit you... Why are you bothering to pretend? To try? To live?'

Shaking her head to deny the voice, Lily pressed her hands over her mouth to smother the sob trying to push past the giant lump in her throat as Kitty and Ava fell back asleep together.

'Look at Kitty who doesn't ever want children... Look at her! See how much better at mothering Ava she is than you, even Ian who abandoned you is a better parent. He holds her and changes her and answers her cries while you lay in bed, useless. He's going to leave you again. Ava would be better off with either of them, better off than with you.'

Hearing Aunt Evie's shower turn off, Lily fled the hall. Retreating to her room, Lily wept into a pillow, only rising again after her Aunt went downstairs. Staring out at the golden line on the horizon, standing in the empty spot where the rocking chair had been, the sadness became an abyss as she decided the voice was right. There was no point in pretending to be happy anymore. There was no point in continuing the PMA façade she wore since her last time in rehab, she was a failure in every way. Her tears stopped as breathing was involuntarily forced. She just wanted it all to stop. The grayness of the ice and sky called to her. Walking down the stairs, she listened to Aunt Evie talking with Hillary in the kitchen about caring for someone with depression.

'You're such a burden on everyone. Even your mother thought so, she wished you were never born.'

A single tear leaked from her eye before she went out the front door silently. Shivering, she accepted that she wouldn't be a burden soon. Everyone would be better off. Ava Marlana would be better off. In her broken heart and despairing soul, Lily believed it was the only way to make life better for her family and daughter. As she walked into the grayness, the coldness numbed her skin with every painful inhale and stole her warmth in every cloudy crystalline exhale.

<<@>>

Ian climbed the stairs with a cup of cocoa and praline sticky bun for Lily. He hoped to get her to eat today. Opening the bedroom door, he was surprised that she wasn't in bed, so he set the tray on her small kitchenette counter.

"Lily?" He called out, but she didn't answer. She wasn't in her rooms, so he went out into the hall. "Lily?"

Jessica opened her door as Kitty came out of another room holding Ava, "What's going on?"

"I can't find Lily," Ian revealed.

Jessica bolted into Lily's suite, rushing around then stared out the window for a moment before she came out and ran down the stairs, shouting over her shoulder, "Call the constables. She went out on the lake."

Ian and Kitty hurried to follow as Jessica leapt down the last three steps and yanked open a closet under the stairs. She hurriedly pulled on a snow suit over her fluffy pajama pants and sweatshirt. Kitty looked out the front door then rushed into the dining room to look out the windows.

"What do you mean she went out on the lake?" Ian demanded in terror as he pulled on his jacket and ski pants over his jeans. It was much colder today than the previous days.

"Aunt Evie, there are footprints through the snow on the path to the lake," Kitty announced loudly as she went to the desk phone. Picking it up, she dialed and listened, then answered, "I am at the Tiger Lily Inn on Old Lake Road. I need search and rescue for a person missing on the lake ice. Twenty-five-year-old female, five feet, five inches tall, 140lbs, I think... No, I don't know what she was wearing. I last saw her at 2AM, she was wearing purple pajamas."

"I checked her at 6," Jess declared as she wrapped a scarf around her face then pulled up her hood and checked her pockets.

"My sister saw her at 6AM." Kitty's voice seemed freakishly calm to Ian as he pulled his snow boots on. Jessica was already out the door, so he hurried to follow but he paused and looked at Kitty with terrified eyes.

"Has she... I mean... how many times before?" He couldn't form the fear into a coherent question.

"Never... This isn't your fault," Kitty declared calmly. "Lily has post-partum depression right now. She isn't thinking straight. We will find her and get her treatment. Everything will be fine and if it isn't, it won't be anyone's fault. Keep your jacket zipped all the way up and breathe into it. If the wind starts blowing, come back so we don't lose you too."

He kissed Ava on the head and implored Kitty, "Take care of Ava."

"You better hurry if you are going to catch up with Jess," Aunt Evie advised as she pulled on her cold weather gear, "I'll follow on the snow machine as soon as the Michaels get here. We have to hurry, there's a storm coming in."

He went out and jogged toward the lake following the two sets of prints. He could see Jessica already far away on the ice, so he hurried to scramble over jagged part then follow as she started walking back and forth.

Panting, he called out to her, "Jess?" He couldn't see any footprints on the ice.

She waved him toward her. Her words puffed out through her scarf. "We need to split up. I want you to walk in a straight line and I am going to walk at a diagonal then parallel to you. Look for anything of color. If the wind picks up, we'll have to head back."

"Kitty said that too. I won't leave Lily on the ice," Ian insisted vehemently.

"If the wind causes a white out, you will die with her. Do you want to orphan Ava?" Jess snapped at him. "I didn't think so. Start walking and keep an eye on me. It's easy to get lost on the ice." She stalked away to the south before he could reply.

He walked forward, glancing around constantly scanning for anything that wasn't the color of winter. Kitty said she was wearing purple so he looked for the color. After walking for an hour or more, he despaired over finding Lily alive in the bitterly cold weather because he was starting to become hypothermic. Then to the north, he saw a lump of purple. He sprinted and slipped trying to get to it. Lily was laying on the ice. He rolled her over and clutched her against him. Her skin looked gray and her lips had a violet color. He pressed his cold cheek against her nose and mouth. A weak exhale brushed his cheek and he almost wept in relief.

"Hold on, sweetheart. Don't leave me... I need you. Ava needs you," he begged then he shouted in the direction Lily's half-sister was searching. "Jessica! Jess!"

He pulled off his hat and put it on her head, then put his mittens on her, but when he started to unzip his coat, Jessica ran up and stopped him. "Don't."

"She's freezing."

"And if you take off your coat, you'll be freezing and won't make it back," Jessica said as she pulled a bundle out of a leg pocket.

Unrolling it, she wrapped Lily in what appeared to be some sort of metallic sleeping bag. "Breath onto her face." While the kneeling Ian held Lily, Jessica pulled out her cell phone and texted. After a moment, she announced, "Aunt Evie and Jamie are on the way on the snow machines. John and Constable Maxwell went south to search." She tucked the cell phone back inside her snow suit so it wouldn't freeze then zipped it up.

Jessica pulled out a signal flare and fired it into the air, then tossed a red smoke flare onto the ice. To Ian, it seemed like an eternity passed in a few minutes before the higher pitched sound of the snow machine engines whined in the distance. He could feel his ears burning from the cold air. His fingers and knees ached as they chilled, but he kept Lily off the ice. Two snow machines arrived at almost the same time.

The bundled deputy on the police department snow machine shouted over the noise of the engine. "Get on!"

Not knowing what to do, Ian climbed on it like he would a jet ski with Jessica's help. Holding Lily with one arm, he reached past Lily and held onto the constable's coat.

"Go Jamie!" Jessica shouted as she turned and ran toward the other driver, he could only assume was Aunt Evie.

Ian tried to keep his cheek pressed against Lily's as they sped toward shore. After a few rough bumps, Ian squinted ahead through the frozen tears in his eyes. They weren't heading to the Tiger Lily Inn; they were heading south toward the marina. Jamie rode the snow machine up a boat ramp and toward an ambulance. He stopped and cut the motor. Stepping off with practiced ease, the giant constable lifted Lily from Ian's arms and rushed toward the ambulance with her. When Ian tried to get off the snow machine, his frozen legs refused to straighten, and he fell hard. The pain in his frostbitten hands was enough to make him yelp. Suddenly Jamie was back and lifted him like a doll, carrying him to the ambulance too.

"Get going Rodney," Jamie ordered as he put Ian in and closed the door.

While the ambulance driver sped to the hospital, woman in the back began putting heating packs on both Lily and Ian. She scowled at his choice of legwear. "I'm Rose and I hate to tell you this but those kind of ski pants aren't good for being out on the lake here, don't you know?"

"No... I-I d-d-didn't kn-now." His teeth chattered as he held the heat packs over his frozen ears while the EMT pulled his mittens of Lily and examined her hands.

"Rodney, radio in that the lady's core temp is 90F, pulse is 14, O2 SAT is 88%. I am giving her oxygen and warming. She has severe frost bite on all exposed skin; face, neck, hands, and..." She peeled off Lily's socks. "And feet."

"Will my wife be okay?" Ian was shocked at how blanched Lily's skin looked. There were white patches and ugly red blotches appearing, almost like she was burned. The EMT pulled his hands down carefully.

"Your frostbite isn't nearly as bad as hers. Those are your mittens and hat, eh?"

Ian nodded as she turned his head. "She was so cold."

"You're lucky you're found her as quickly as you did. Another twenty minutes..." Rose shook her head. "We'll be at the hospital in two more minutes. They will probably release you after treatment, but they will have to keep your wife. She may even have to be transferred but don't worry. We deal with people in her condition several times a year."

The ambulance stopped and the door opened. He stood helplessly as they took Lily out then followed a nurse inside. Andrew arrived with his wallet and their insurance information. They treated Lily as though she were still Ian's wife. Ian listened carefully as

"We will not know if she would lose any of her toes or fingertips for a few days, Mr. Hastings." Dr. Harris patted Ian's arm, then asked, "How is your frost bite feeling?"

"Like the worst sunburn I have ever had," Ian admitted, he hesitated, swallowing, then begged, "Please tell me how to help her with her depression. I knew a girl in college who almost killed herself because she had post-partum and no one realized it."

The old doctor nodded, "My generation called it the baby blues, but it is so much more than that. The antidepressants and therapy will help, but the most important thing is to remind her that the depression is not her fault, she is not a failure, and that she has love and so much to live for. You will have a harder road with Lily because she suffers from other forms of depression. Evie told me you left her once already, so if you don't have the fortitude to stick this out then you need to go so her family can begin rebuilding her life and mental health without you or the worry about a second emotionally traumatic event in the future."

The doctor's gentle tone was so contrary to his harsh words that Ian felt like he had been sucker punched. "Dr. Harris, I am not going to leave Lily. I know now I have issues after a bad breakup before I met and married her. I promise I will be getting therapy for it and going with Lily to whatever she needs." He hung his head as he admitted, "I didn't realize how happy she made me until I thought I lost her. I know I have a lot to make up for and that we may never get all the way back to where we were, but I want to stay with her... for better or worse. She makes my life worthwhile. What does she need recover from being on the ice?"

Appraising his words and the way he never stopped looking longingly at his ex-wife, Dr. Harris frowned slightly. "Very well, in cases of extreme hypothermia, we have to rewarm the patient slowly or risk complications which could include heart arrhythmia and shock. It is going to take a few hours so try not to get impatient. Lily also has a severe case of frostbite; she may need skin grafts and might loose parts of her fingers, toes, and ears. There is the possibility she might have damage in her lungs and throat from inhaling the extremely cold air for so long. She will need physical therapy for her hands and feet until they heal. We will take the best care of her we can, but we won't know the extent of the frostbite damage until she is warm again. I'll leave you with her and send the nurse in to apply some numbing paste to your nose and ears."

Going out to the private waiting area, he repeated the prognosis for Lily's treatment and recovery to them all before he nodded to Lily's sisters and aunt then said, "I need you ladies to step out for a moment. I need to talk to Ian's family."