⚠️Sensitive Content in this chapter. Content includes topics of mental health, child abuse and neglect, and abandonment, also thoughts of suicide. Please read with caution⚠️
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~*Wei Wuxian's POV*~

It was as if I was watching my life play out again. Seeing my younger self living on the streets, finding food, running from dogs, and trying to find shelter to stay warm. The first time I ever felt warm, was when I looked into pools of honey. Those eyes were so bright and they made me feel safe. I did not even know is name. His had in white robes and a forehead ribbon, and he gave me food, a toy drum, and a blanket. It was the first time anyone has ever given me anything. It was the first time I got to know what care felt like.

After that one little moment, it was the only memory I held onto that kept me going. Living through verbal abuse the moment I step into a place that was supposed to be my new home, but it was immediately forgotten when that awful woman told me I will never belong. I had just lost my parents and it was because of that woman and the loss of my parents, I felt that I would never belong anywhere.

I grew up believing that I had no value to my life and I didn't have the right to make any decisions for myself. I was always told to do something for someone else, which was basically the Jiang Heirs. I love those two siblings as if they were my real siblings, but I know deep down, I will never actually be accepted by them and their family. Sect Leader Jiang Fengmian had a way of making it seem like I was a saint only to him and then never praised his own son. I would then get scolded by his wife by saying I am nothing but a useless servant and I deserve no praises.

Even the oldest, Jiang Yanli, she could not fight and she would treat my wounds behind closed doors. She feared getting yelled at by her own mother. We all did but I was always the one to get scolded the most. Everyone in that family felt so toxic and I lived with them for so many years. I was lucky enough to even be able to attend guest lectures at another sect.

When I arrived to that sect, I didn't realize it, but I met those familiar, warm honey eyes. That man was so beautiful but he was so rigid. I tried to make friends with him, but he kept pushing me away. I pushed him a little too far one day and when he snapped at me, it was like my only little piece of hope that I held onto since I was a child who met that boy, had just shattered. I felt myself getting cold and I didn't have any desires left, so I ran away.

I met with some people who were actually my real family. My grandmother, Baoshan Sanren, stood up for me against the Lan Sect when I was berated and I was announced to the world that I was her heir. Since then, she took me in and I have been training under her. I seemed to have gotten some of my life back together but a part of me still felt broken.

I went to those guest lectures again and I saw him again. He spent some time trying to apologize to me and prove to me that he wanted to give me a proper chance at a relationship. I gave him that opportunity only for him to disappear. I cut the tie between us because I felt he was just lying to my face, but it was someone who was posing as his brother who got in the way and locked him in his room to keep him away from me.

I spent a lot of time with him since then, and I helped train him for a while, until my emotions got to the better of me again. I felt so much pain and resentment building in me that I felt like I was going to explode, and I basically did. Without even talking it through with Baoshan and Lan Zhan, I cut the tie again, which was only suicide for me. It caused my spiritual vein to break and my core to burst.

I should be dead, but here I am now, breathing as if nothing happened. My spiritual vein was fine and I had a core again...only, this immortal core felt much stronger then the one I had cultivated myself. I felt a attached to it though and I didn't know why. I opened my eyes to see that I was in my cultivation chamber and I was alone. It was probably best that I was. I was still hurting a little, not physically but just emotionally. I didn't know how to face anyone after what I did.

I was haunted by these memories and I will never get rid of them. I was tired of having them. I just wanted to be happy and live carefree. I want to live knowing that I do not have to feel like a burden to others and that I won't hurt Lan Zhan ever again...but I do not know who I want to seek forgiveness from most, Baoshan and Lan Zhan, or just myself. I didn't know how to cope with it all. I just woke up and I already felt overwhelmed. When I felt my mental state deteriorating, I started to feel tired. It was as if my body would make me sleep if I felt upset.

Honestly, I felt it might be best as I cannot do anything to hurt either myself or someone else. I just wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was strong enough to talk more openly about how I feel, but I was afraid. I was always afraid to burden others with my problems but also feeling as if I was left alone because they won't understand. I fear being alone and I am pushing myself to be that way...I wanted Lan Zhan back, but it was me who pushed him away. I cried knowing I ruined the only good thing that I could possibly have.