⚠️Sensitive content in this chapter. Content includes, topics of self-harm and attempted suicide, depression, and other mental health related topics. Please read with caution.⚠️
.
.
.
__________

~*It is still Lan Wangji's POV, and it will be for a little while~*

If I ever had any regrets on hurting Wei Wuxian, it would definitely be now. Seeing him again after four years, he looked so different, but he looked so much more ethereal then he ever did. I thought he was good looking back then but now, he looks even more so. His mannerism has also changed. Since he spent four years under Baoshan's guidance, he has definitely become more calm and maybe even powerful. He had new robes, and a fancy headpiece. He looked so good and my regrets for hurting him only hurt me more.

I asked him if he would ever forgive me, but he said it's going to take time. He told me I needed to prove to him that I am being honest and that I want to make things right between us. I was not one to do such things but for him, I'd do anything. It felt good just to be in his presence again. I had to gain his forgiveness.

After a few weeks of lectures, I have noticed that he really has changed. No more goofing around in class and even brings his own books to read for when he finishes his work before others. His calligraphy skills have improved immensely and he sat properly.

Just how much training and what kind of training did he go through just to be like this now?

I do not hate it but it's just different. I do miss that laugh of his, but his smile still comes and goes. His smile seemed to have softened more, and it only made my heart scream. Just when I got somewhere with him, sitting down at the Jingshi and just talking, I find that he was that little boy from long ago. He and I are more connected then I thought. The moment was ruined by Xiongzhang. The devastation on Wei Ying's face when he was threatened to stay away from me. I was so furious.

"Xiongzhang, I know you mean well, but do not ever interfere with my relationship with him again," I demanded, "I thought you forgave him long ago."

"I did, but that does not mean I trust him, Wangji, and it is best if you are the same. He may not even be interested in you anymore. For all we know, he said those things to make you feel even more guilty," Xiongzhang said.

"You have always supported me with him, and even after everything that happened, you said you'd help me with him, and you would give him a chance," I said, "do not interfere again, now get out."

Xiongzhang left and he did look angry but I did not care. I had to find Wei Ying to see if he was okay. That was when I found out something more about him and me...we are bound by fate and he wanted to break that because of Xiongzhang. Shufu even started to like him and even supports him with me. I do not understand where all this went wrong...was it really because of my words four years ago?

Then the truth about the abuse he has been through. He suffered so much and kept it all to himself. Just as I was about to get somewhere with him again, Xiongzhang does the unthinkable and locked me inside my own home. I couldn't leave and he left me locked up for an entire month. Since knowing I was tied to Wei Ying, I began to understand what that extra feeling of pain was. It was not just mine, it was his.

The month was over slowly, and out of nowhere, I choked up some blood. I felt empty suddenly...and I realized, Wei Ying cut the tie. I broke down, taking Bichen and for the first time, wanted to feel something other then being empty and alone...the cold blade sliced through my skin leaving blood behind. I began to feel dizzy so I just laid down on the bed and let fate take me.

By the time I woke up, I found out that Wei Ying was not doing well. He felt terrible about breaking the tie without talking to me first but I could tell there was more to it than that. He kept pushing me away because he felt unworthy of me. He feels like a burden to everyone he is around. He cried in my arms that night and did not leave my side.

After a couple days, Wei Ying disappeared again. He was found in the mounds, his hands were covered in blood, and he looked like he was in so much pain. Why did he always keep his pain to himself until he can no longer hold himself up anymore? Why must he do this to himself?

After he passed out, I carried him back to Cloud Recesses and I did not leave his side. Xiongzhang was in seclusion to repent for his actions. During that time, I tried to help Wei Ying as much as possible. When he woke up, he was so scared. He was trembling and shivering, and he stuttered any time he spoke. He was scared, hurt, confused, angry, and so much more. I could not take it anymore and I pulled him on to my lap and I just held him. I made him as comfortable as possible and did what I could to soothe him. As I soothed him, our tie reconnected. I was surprised that if happened to soon but I was also glad.

After a good while, he and I started to question my brother's behavior and we came to the conclusion that it may not even be him. If that is the case, the real Xiongzhang has been missing for a long time. Baoshan and Wei Ying went to go find out what was going on and went to Koi Tower. After a few hours, Shufu and I decided to go and help. When I reached Koi Tower, I felt pain. It meant that I felt Wei Ying was hurt.

Baoshan ran into us and said I could find Wei Ying if the bond between us was mended. I closed my eyes and spotted the red string. I followed it and it led to a bronze mirror located at Fragrance Hall. We stepped inside and I saw Wei Ying was injured. I was angry that he was hurt as he promised me he'd be careful. After returning to Cloud Recesses, Xiongzhang told me how Wei Ying got hurt. He saved my brother's life, and now I felt terrible for being angry with him.

"Xiongzhang, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," he said.

"Why does liking a person have to be so complicated?" I asked.

He smiled at me, "you have finally come to terms with him huh?" He asked. I glared at him as I was trying to be serious. He chuckled before speaking, "Wangji, Wei Wuxian has been through a lot. It's complicated because you love someone who values the world more than he values himself. The smallest of things can cause him to close up. I'm sure you have noticed that."

I nodded, "I shouldn't be mad at him."

"Why are you mad at him?" He asked, "for getting hurt? Wangji, sometimes those things are inevitable and anything can happen in those kinds of situations. Wei Wuxian didn't want to get hurt but he'd rather be injured then to see me hurt. He knows how important I am to you. Does he know his own importance?"

"I thought he did," I said.

"As he is someone who has suffered so much and is dealing with post traumatic stress disorder, he is bound to keep things to himself. He grew up believing that he had no one to care for him. He suddenly has that and it is still taking him time to get used to that. Be patient with him, and learn how to communicate with him. Learn to understand things from his perspective," he explained.

I nodded, "alright."

He placed his hand on my shoulder, "I am proud of you," he said, "you and Wei Wuxian have a rough history, but you two are learning to get past that. If you really love him, so everything you can to always be there for him and be his support."

"I will do what I can," I said, "Thank you, Xiongzhang...and it's good to have the real you back. I am sorry it took so long for us to find you."

He smiled, "I am fine. I am not mad. I am just grateful that I am still alive. I got to see you again and I got to see a new side of Wei Wuxian that I never knew existed. He is very talented, and Baoshan did really well with his training."

"He is very talented. He even agreed to let me be his first disciple," I said.

"I look forward to seeing how that goes," he said.