⚠️sensitive content in this chapter. Content includes, self-harm, topics of death and suicide, blood, suffering, and depression. Please read with caution. ⚠️
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Lan Zhan was feeling better after the events that happened, but I am not. I chose to break the tie between us without even seeking him out first. I should have known there was something wrong but I failed and how can he just be okay with me after that?

Why was I so quick to jump?

Why isn't he mad at me?

I was standing in the middle of the Burial Mounds again because I needed to get away. I needed to clear my head and calm my thoughts but that was not working. I was plagued with so much anger, pain, and guilt. I was so angry that I began punching everything around me, the trees, the rocks, and even the Cave walls.

This must be what Lan Xichen wanted, to fuck with my head and make me more of a mess then ever. No one was listening to me. It was like they heard me talk but they didn't listen to my pain. I know everyone means well, but why can't they see that I am suffering. I have said it time and time again that I am not okay.

I was still punching things, even when my knuckles started to bleed, and I did not stop. The pain was soothing. It was something I could at least feel other than being numb. I am not the same anymore. I asked for this and I have to live with it.

"Is this what you wanted!" I yelled out loud, "is this what you like to see? Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?!" I was yelling at nothing, even though I directed it towards my dead parents. They left me behind and now I am here paying the price, "if I died, would anyone be sad?! Would anyone fucking care?!"

"I would," I heard a voice come from behind me.

I turned around to see Baoshan, Lan Zhan, Lan Qiren, and my Shishu. I scoffed, "would you?" I asked as anger continued to build up inside me.

"Yes," Lan Zhan told me, "I would care...your injured."

I shook my head, "I do not care," I said furiously through clenched teeth.

"Didn't you promise that you would take better care of yourself if I did the same?" Lan Zhan asked.

"Oh, so you want to use your life to bargain with mine?" I asked loudly.

"That isn't it at all," Lan Zhan replied.

"A'Ying, why are you keeping so much of yourself closed up from me?" Baoshan asked, "you do not talk to me, how am I going to try and help you if I do not know what is wrong?"

"I am just tired, Baoshan," I told her, "I am very tired...of talking, thinking, listening, reasoning...maybe even breathing."

"A'Ying?" Baoshan questioned as she tried to step closer to me.

"No matter how many times I repeat myself, it is like no one is actually listening to me," I said, "when I was taken into the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, all I ever heard was that I was a worthless servant just like my father. I will never amount to anything and that I will never be a cultivator like my mother.

I was told I was stupid, worthless, and that my life had no value or meaning to it. I was told I was annoying. Rumors circulate about me all the time, and I never once cared about them...until that day my heart was completely shattered, being told that I was the most annoying person on the planet and that I have no shame. It was said to me by a person who had already stolen my heart and then stomped on it.

I was then able to finally convince myself that I had enough and left everything behind. I was stopped but I fought back and stabbed a sect leader, which is probably why he did what he did to me and Lan Zhan now, to her revenge on me. When I finally was able to get away, I was taken in and endured the most brutal and bone tiring training I have ever experienced. I do not regret it but at what point did I ever focus on my mental health?

I spend four years suffering a heart break, hoping all that training I endured would make me forget about him. Then I was invited to Gusu again and I feel like I am stupid enough to even accept it because it took a while for me to even gain anyone's trust, and that happened to be from a teach who hated me a long time ago but now seems to be the only one who understands what I am saying. He seems to me the only one who heard me because he pointed it out when I threatened to cut the tie between me and his nephew.

Here I am now feeling like a complete idiot and a failure. I cut the tie anyway, and I did not even give Lan Zhan a chance to talk to me first. I just assumed since I haven't seen him in a month, that he didn't want me after all. Now I find out that his brother, as I said before, probably set all this up just to get back at me for stabbing him four years ago. He even had me fooled, thinking that we finally worked out our differences only to be punched in the face, quite literally.

So tell me, if I cannot be confused, hurt, betrayed, guilty, depressed, and angry, then how should I feel? How should I be feeling right now? The way I feel now is that I want to take my sword and cut my throat because of how much pain I am in. No one has ever once really listened to and I have told them this same old story dozens of times now. So tell me, what would you have me do by now? The way I see it, I am just a burden to everyone around me."

Everyone was silent as I laid everything out in front of them. I spilled everything. I expected as before that they did not listen to me and just heard words coming out of my mouth. I was wrong as I was suddenly being pulled into someone's arms. Their presence was warm and I felt comfort for the first time in my life. I placed my face into their neck and just cried. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I began to feel exhausted.

I began to feel myself wanting to collapse so the arms that were around me scooped me up and had me carried in their arms. The smell of sandalwood lingered on them. I never knew that sandalwood would be such a soothing scent so suddenly and the warmth of the body I was against, felt like home. It was the first time I felt what home was like. My tired eyes glanced up at the face just once, seeing his beautiful face looking back at me.

"Sleep Wei Ying, I will be right beside you when you wake," he said.

"Lan Zhan," I whispered, "I never knew you were so warm."

"Mnn, you can sleep Wei Ying, I am here," he told me again, "I will be with you when you wake up."

I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I clutched onto his robes tightly as I didn't want the contact with him to disappear. I wanted him to stay but my mind was battling me again already, even when I wanted to sleep, my mind was telling me I have to rights to him anymore, as I broke the tie between us.