⚠️Sensitive content in this chapter includes self-harm, attempted suicide, blood, and gore. Please read with caution⚠️
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It was late and it was the final week of lectures for the guests at Cloud Recesses. I told Lan Zhan to prove to me that he wants to be with me, but so far, he hasn't even done anything. I gave him the rest of the month to do something about it but he did not show it. So I decided to cute the tie between us. It will be bound again someday but if that is what he wants then he will get it. I told him time and time again to prove it to me that he wants me and he did not. In fact, I haven't even seen him since I told him to prove it.

I was alone and I had secretly looked into how to breaking the tie on my own. I was standing in the middle of the training grounds and I cast the spell to cut the tie. The illusion was cast and I saw a blade and a red string appear in front of me. The blade sliced down quickly and cut the string. Blood spilled out of my mouth.

I suddenly felt half empty. Almost like I was no longer alive but not dead either. I was just a shell. I now understood what Baoshan meant by losing part of your soul. Rumbles of thunder started to fill the sky and wind began to blow. I found myself floating in the air and bound by chains. It was like fate was upset with my choice and I was being punished for it.

The blade used to cut the string, struck each of my limbs, from flesh to bone, as a mark to show I have been punished. Normally one would be punished for falling in love but this is the opposite. Fate did not want me to cute this tie. I was the master of Yin and Yang and there must have been a reason why Lan Zhan was bound time. The chains bound to my ankles and wrists began to feel hot, leaving third degree burns in their wake.

I heard someone call out to me but I could barely hear them. I was still going through this tribulation. So many cuts and burns but I did not care. I was tired of feeling any sort of pain. I was tired of chasing someone who did not want me back. This was not only my choice but also Lan Zhan's. He helped me make the final decision. I was soon dropped to the ground and I could barely move. I choked up more blood and felt someone at my side.

"A'Ying, you fool," Baoshan said, "you went through with it."

"I gave him a chance but he did not take it," I said, "the tie has been cut, and he is free of me and I am free of him. I am nothing more than a master to him. That is all."

Baoshan sighed. I could tell she wanted to know why Lan Zhan let me go through with this. Why didn't he step up?

Shishu was called by Baoshan and he carried me back to my guest room. Baoshan prepared a medical bath and Shishu put me into the water. He and Song Lan helped me clean up before helping me to lay down to rest. I do not know if this was the best choice, but I was tired. I am now empty and the shell is all that is left.

In the morning, I woke up and the pain was excruciating, but I was the one who asked for it. I took something for the pain and then dressed as I had final exams to finish. I then left for the orchid room. During the exam, I noticed that Lan Zhan was not here. Then again, he was absent from class all month.

Was he really avoiding me that much?

If that is the case, I will just leave him here and not take him as a disciple. I can even wipe his memory so he doesn't know of the training I went through. When exams were over I stood up to leave but was stopped in my tracks was I was suddenly stuck in the face with a sudden punch. I was surprised and from that I grew angry.

"What the hell was that for?" I asked and turned to the person who punched me.

"That was for hurting Wangji," Lan Xichen told me.

"He brought it upon himself, I told him if he wants me to be with him, he needs to prove to me that he wants me. I gave him an entire month to do so, and he has not even once shown up in front of me," I argued, and Baoshan and Lan Qiren were both in the room listening in, "so since he clearly did not want to prove it, I cut the tie between us. He might have suffered a minor backlash but I suffered far worse as I was the one who performed it," I removed my robes to show all of the cuts and burns that I had received from the tribulation, "this is what I endured to cut the tie, and you blame me? Fuck you Lan Xichen!"

"Xichen, you are the sect leader and you are breaking sect rules," Lan Qiren said, "and I have not even seen Wangji this past month. You have, where is he?"

Lan Xichen was silent. Baoshan walked up to him, "you kept your brother away so A'Ying would break the tie and once he did you would have the chance to beat him because he broke a promise saying that he would protect Wangji. How can he protect Wangji when he hasn't seen him? What are you playing at Xichen?"

"Xichen, what have you done to Wangji?"

"He is just in the Jingshi," Xichen said.

Lan Qiren, Baoshan and I all left him standing there and went to the Jingshi. When we entered, Lan Zhan was covered in blood that covered both his arms. The cuts were self-inflicted...he harmed himself. I turned to Lan Xichen who walked in behind us. Baoshan was right. Xichen locked Lan Zhan away for an entire month so he could not prove to me he cares for me. Lan Zhan must have felt the connection between us break and he lost it, or he was trying to get my attention. Either way, I felt terrible.

"Lan Zhan?" I said softly, "Lan Zhan?"

"He will be okay," Baoshan told me.

"This is my fault," I said quietly.

"No it is not," Baoshan told me, "you did not know."

I shook my head and couldn't take this anymore. I then took off and left Cloud Recesses completely. I hated Lan Xichen, and I hated myself more. I will no longer be the same. I now understood why I was punished for cutting the tie. I ended up going until I was inside the Burial Mounds and hid inside the cave. I refused to leave or talk to anyone, as it was all my fault that this happened.

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Normally I am a huge fan of Lan Xichen so it actually hurts me a bit to make him such a terrible person in this story but it makes for an interesting plot. Forgive me Xichen Lovers, it pains me too.