Okay first off, I changed the title and added "and stories" because I don't have any more poems that I use to write. But! I do make short stories in my free time. And I also write letters to myself when I want to. Don't ask why. It's my way of coping.

Second off, I'm not sorry about this change

Third off, none of these stories/letters will be entirely grammatically correct nor follow all the rules of grammar and writing. Mainly because these were originally meant for me to reread and cope. But I kinda wanted to share these things with others too.

P.S. this is around 1,400 words long just so you know before you get into it.

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Dear Me,

Dream (noun); a series of thoughts, images, emotions, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

In order to know what a nightmare is you must first know what a dream is.

Let me tell some things about dreams before I start to tell you one of mine. We still don't know why we even have them. Some say it's telling something about our personality; others say it's something about our future — a vision if you will. Many say that they're just there solely to entertain you while you sleep. There are many theories on dreams but that's just what they are; theories. It's been a part of humanity since the very beginning, maybe even a little more before that. And yet after all the time that we've had with it we still don't know what it's meaning or purpose is.

While most dreams you don't even remember anything about it the minute that you wake up. Some people have dreams that repeat so much in their life that it becomes engraved into their heads. I am one of those people.

I've had a dream for as long as I can remember, ever since I was little. It always starts off with a comforting feeling. A feeling of belonging and comfort.

The things you see in the dream are beautiful, breathtaking at most. The sky is a bright baby blue color that seems so calming that it almost irritates you how off guard it can put you. There is a lake or a pond of water. You can see the bottom of the water; the creatures swimming in the clear turquoise-like water are majestic, enchanting. The lake/pond is littered with lily pads and lotus flowers that seem like some sort of magic has been put onto it. In the center of the body of water is what you can call stepping stones; they lead to the other side of the lake. Around the body of water is bushes and groups of evergreen trees that their scent can almost smell fill up the air and engulf you in it. Everything around seems and looks like it's glowing, the light has a warm feeling of security and serenity.

It seems like a dream by just only the aspects that I've talked about. But it's more like a front; a facade. Just something to trick you and let your guard down.

The stepping stones; that lead to the other side. You can look at the other side and even though you can't necessarily see what's there you have a sense of urgency to reach it. To bury yourself in whatever is on the other side. Because you can sense what's over there. You can sense that that's where all the feelings and smells and just the warmth in general is coming from. So you yearn to reach the side.

So you slowly step onto the stones. You take your time to enjoy and bask in the sun in the sky. Or maybe you're too excited to reach the other side, so you sprint. Either way your feet touch the stones as you move. And when you're closer to the other side you still can't tell what's radiating all the energy that you so desperately want to wrap yourself in. As you're about to step onto the ground and grass of the other side and as you're body suddenly becomes so much more aware of surroundings; you're right back to where you started.

So you're left there as confused as a lost puppy. You're body is still feeling like it's high off adrenaline so you try again. You do so but with more caution to your step, but still hope in your chest. You step onto the stones once again this time ignoring all of your surroundings. Ignoring the way the creatures beneath the stones swims elegantly through. And instead you look straight ahead. Straight to the destination you are determined to reach.

Yet the same thing happens again. The second you're about to touch the other end you go back to the beginning. But this time instead of confusion you feel anxiety beginning to bubble up within your chest. So you begin to want the warmth at the other side even more. You try again. This time your steps are more frantic and hesitant as you step on the stones. You realize that the atmosphere that you started with has begun to darken. And so the cycle continues.

It continues as if on some sort of broken record. The more times you try it the more it gets broken. And it gets to the point when it feels suffocating. Your steps are past being hesitant they are now as frantic as ever. The feeling in your chest are blossomed into a full on panic. You're steps thump loudly into the stone under your feet. You feel like you're running so fast that your feet aren't even touching the ground. Your head feels like it's on fire and your lungs feel clogged up; your heart thumping so loudly and roughly in your chest that you can hear it.

No matter how many times you try you still go back to where you started, each time the atmosphere becoming darker and darker. To the point where tears begin to bundle up in your eyes as they continue to stream down your face as if there is no end. You don't know what the tears are from, if they're from sadness, panic, frustration or any other feeling you don't understand. You start to wonder if there even is an end to this. An end to the broken record, an end to whatever hell you wandered yourself into. Choked sobs start to come out of you as you continue to try and try and try. Sobs that you didn't even realize were coming from you.

You realize that the place that you started with is now blocked by dark black clouds of fog. You choose to ignore them. You choose to ignore the atmosphere and the air started to become more dense. So you continue to try. Try to reach the end where that warm promising place is still vibrant as always. The more times you try and the more times you fail, the clouds seem to wrap around you. Seem to fill your lungs like smoke.

And just when things feel like they're weighing down on yourself. Just when you feel like you've almost reached your limit. You wake up.

There are many ways that I think you can interpret that dream. But as I think into it I can only get one real thing from it. That that light or warmth or whatever is at the other side. I can't get to it, no matter how hard I try. Whenever it feels like I'm close it slips through my hands and fingers. And whenever and each time I try to reach for it. Every time that I fail. Everything else around me starts and seems to get darker. Because I can only focus my attention on the one thing that I know will make me happy and feel secure. To the point where nothing else seems like enough and all I'm left to do is just sit while I continue to fail at reaching it.

Yet every time that I feel like I'm about to burst, everything just stops. So I might never get to know what is on the other side of that lake or pond or whatever it is. Even if I know what happens every time that I do get the dream. Even though I know how it's going to end. I still try and see what's on the other side. What's the source of all the warmth that I feel everytime that I go there. Mainly because at the time it seems like it's worth it in the moment. Because every time I'm still caught off guard at the sensations and feelings. Mostly? The feelings feel like they are new and that I've never experienced them before. And everytime they seem to be worse and worse. Yet somehow the warmth and serenity at the other side seem worth it every time. This started like a dream. And yet somehow without realization ended like a nightmare.

Nightmare (noun); a frightening or unpleasant dream.

Sincerely,

Me