Agony is better with company
A/N: Hi! I have slowly lost motivation on ttgatb because I have been so worried about it being insensitive, I tried to reach out to a disabled user on Tumblr that takes asks and I never got a reply :(. Then I realized during my CNA orientation a month ish ago and with the overturn of Roe vs Wade that this is the reason this story exists, it's not supposed to make readers feel comfortable. It's supposed to bring awareness to issues surrounding women's health and medical gaslighting, normalize talking about "tmi" or "taboo" things that people live with and why stigmatizing any condition pertaining to bodily fluids or the menstrual cycle is dangerous, talk about birth control and why banning it is dangerous etc. This story is so important to me and I can edit something if I learn it's insensitive, but I can't just discontinue it because I'm afraid of it.
A tw before you read, this chapter deals deeply with parental abuse and alcoholism, with a hint at the beginnings of suicidal thoughts so please read with caution if you are sensitive to this subject.
Ashlyn's Pov:
As exhausted as I was, it was hard to sleep with all the pain. I would fall asleep for a few minutes out of total fatigue and then be woken up by another sharp lurch in my stomach that would cause me to toss and turn on the small couch cushions of Miss Jenn's office.
Sometimes I would pretend to be asleep and other times my eyes would flicker open and I'd softly moan a bit to which she would give me a look of sympathy and say something along the lines of, "Honey why don't you just go home?"
I simply replied that I didn't want to, it was no use explaining my current messy family situation and that home was no longer a safe place for this stuff.
Sure, if it was just my mom home she would be sweet as ever and help me through it. If it was just my dad home he would probably yell at me that I was being dramatic and needed to "toughen up". If they were both home they would mostly avoid each other, maybe fight over me and maybe mom would play bystander and try to ignore everything. Or maybe dad would change his tone and act all sweet as soon as she or Gina was around as he does so often to cover his misdeeds.
None of that seemed to matter at the moment as I was in too much pain to care or even think about it.
As a new wave of pain started to die down, I began to finally doze off just to hear the sound of overly loud foot steps stomping into Miss Jenn's office a few minutes later.
"Miss Jenn! I know Into The Woods isn't a super dance heavy sho-"
"Shhhh!"
I flicked an eye open briefly to see Miss Jenn shushing Carlos and pointing a finger in my direction. He didn't exactly tone it down, he just looked surprised.
"Ashlyn oh my God! Are-"
Seb put a hand over his mouth and spoke at a much softer volume, "honey, she's trying to sleep."
"I was never really asleep anyway", I shrugged and re-adjusted my position so I was half sitting up against the end rails of the sofa. Every movement seemed to bring a new set of pain that would cause me to wince uncontrollably.
"Are you okay!? You look like you're sweating bullets", he finally asked in a shockingly quieter volume.
"Just peachy Carlos!"
I snapped at him as he took a small step back and frowned, a bit surprised by the evident snippy attitude in my response.
Seb was however unfazed, he reached for my stainless steel water bottle in my backpack that must have been returned to me from my gym locker. I blushed slightly knowing it was probably Big Red's doing as I was wearing one of his new SLC slices sweatshirts costumed to my size, underneath Miss Jenn's winter coat. I definitely wasn't wearing that sweatshirt before I drifted off to sleep initially, it was sweet but somehow I still felt freezing despite all the sweat.
"This is yours right?" Seb handed me the cool metal bottle that I grabbed with half shaking hands.
"Yeah, thanks."
In an instant, I chugged what was left of it, temporarily easing the dehydrated dizzy spells I was experiencing.
"Are you sure you don't need to go to the nurse? Or even the hospital?"
Miss Jenn stared at my face wide-eyed with concern.
"No, I'll be fine Miss Jenn", I said rolling over to my stomach and bringing my knees to my chest miserably.
And it wasn't long before all the water chugging hit me with a force of nausea and everyone in the room caught on to the pale, stricken face and hand flying over my mouth.
"No offense Ash but if you're going to throw up then I've got your back-" he pointed to the door "from out there." And in the blink of a bullet, Carlos left the room.
"Can- the rest of you guys leave- please? I'm not obligating anyone to stand in here and-" I took in a shaky breath trying to ward off another wave of nausea until everyone was gone, "watch me puke."
Seeming to find a way to be useful not in the room, Miss Jenn went off to go fill my water bottle leaving just Seb alone with me.
"You too Se-", I was interrupted by a gag that I could no longer keep in. Seb didn't budge, he simply grabbed a tissue box for me to wipe my mouth with and shrugged, "I'm not squeamish."
He then smiled at me innocently which made what he was about to say even funnier, "I squeeze cow coochie for a living remember?"
Not expecting that to come out of his mouth, I ended up snorting mid vomit which led to a few seconds of panic where I was laughing, coughing, throwing up and choking all at the same time.
"Woah- easy Ash please don't die on me," he gasped watching the struggle.
"I just didn't expect innocent Sebby over here to say that."
"I'm not that innocent, I'm dating Carlos"
"Touché"
He handed me one of the tissues collected as I cleaned off my face and put the garage can down guiltily muttering a thank you.
"Are you done, can I call them back in?"
"I don't know."
My head sunk towards my knees feeling all my insides squeeze again, I began to not be able to hold onto that blank face that I was trying so hard to keep as a few tears escaped my eyes.
Seb hugged me from the side and handed me a tissue. I asked him to grab my backpack so I could pop a few pills with the rest of the plastic water bottle Ricky grabbed as I tried desperately to stop the tears from falling as I grimaced.
"Oh Ashlyn, come here I want to give you a hug."
It wasn't until I allowed his embrace that they came out like a water fountain which caused him to tighten that squeeze.
"Can I interest you in a ride home?", he asked cautiously.
I wanted it but knew I couldn't accept it. Shaking my head with my strained voice I sighed, "I can't- go home."
"You work way too hard Ash, and right now you definitely need to go home."
"I can't!" I screeched defiantly while feeling another wave of vomit coming on. "Shit" I mouthed gagging up the bile as he stared at me sympathetically and collected the tissues again.
It wasn't long after that Ricky and Big Red found me on that little office couch the next period. Ricky was offering me a piece of Gertrude Hawk chocolate that the Water Polo team was selling, a little stereotypical but the gesture was kind (and a good opportunity for teasing).
"Bowen! I'm flattered, am I your secret valentine this year?"
"Why of course my lovely Belle," Ricky jokingly flirted back.
"Oh Biggie you better be jealous!" I fist bumped my boyfriends shoulder smirking as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and joined in.
"Don't worry, Ash won't fall for the theatre girls simping for Ricky cliché, she actually has good taste."
"Oh fuck you!" Ricky shot back in a matter of seconds earning a laugh from all of us in the room before turning serious again.
"I just thought you didn't eat anything today and dark chocolate can help with pain apparently."
"Did Doctor Google say that?" I accepted the chocolate still playing sarcasm with him until Big Red interrupted.
"Doctor Google knows everything, duh!"
"Come on let's get you home." Big Red patted me on the back trying to prompt me to stand but I couldn't because suddenly the fear hit. It wasn't even the end of the day yet. My father would know if I left school early, he has to as a legal guardian. I had to stay here. And I also felt guilty making Big Red and Ricky skip classes to help me.
"But I can't just leave-"
"It's ok Ash, Miss Jenn told me to take you home this period. It's our lunch we're not missing anything," my boyfriend tried to reassure me while I was still full of guilt and worry.
"But my father will find out I left school! The school will call him telling him I was absent from my afternoon classes!"
Big Red took a deep breath while he was rubbing my back and I suddenly feared that I was annoying him.
"It's no different than being in Mrs Jenn's office during class. Right now you will not be able to focus on schoolwork and you need to rest, okay?"
Having so little energy made it almost easy to give in even if I was scared of what would happen later when my dad found out I was skipping school.
I took my volume down to a whisper and looked dead into his soft hazel eyes, "We're going to your house right?"
"If you feel safer at my house then absolutely."
And so he carried me out bridal style to his car and signed me out, Ricky grabbing his own and two other backpacks to help take the load off a couple of his friends.
Biggie rolled my passenger window down half way hoping the breeze would ease some of the nausea.
"Can I eat in here?" I asked already knowing he would say yes but figuring the formality was at least polite.
"Please do."
"This is probably going to make me throw up for the 4th time today but I don't even care anymore," I groaned crinkling down the wrapper for the chocolate bar I was nibbling on with a bucket he gave me in the other hand. It was just a matter of time before anything I ate would fail to digest.
"It's going to be okay Ash. Just tell me to pull over if you need me to."
And so I leaned my head against his car door thankful for one of the few people that was keeping me from breaking.
~
It wasn't until Big Red spent the night taking good care of me that it hit home how little my birth parents showed up in my life to play the role of mother and father. My boyfriend is great but he should be able to be a boyfriend and not a boyfriend and everything else.
As soon as we got home, he got me situated at his home in his bed (after I told him the couch was fine and he refused to let me settle for the couch), he took my temperature, put Beauty and The Beast on the TV that I was only half paying attention to, made sure I had a heating pack to wrap around me and ice on my forehead for the nearly 101 degree fever, a fuzzy blanket, a half a dozen Motrin's that probably wouldn't do shit, bottles of water and ginger ale, a box of tissues and a nearby bucket.
It felt a little dramatic, but maybe that's only because I'm not used to this kind of care, and there were constantly days in my childhood where I stayed home sick alone and fended for myself.
Contrary to those days, Big Red would keep me company and as distracted as possible by telling me stories from his childhood, the same ones I've heard before but never get bored of. He told me about when he used to play All Star soccer in Elementary school and would come home with a handfuls of dandelion bouquets for his family because he got too bored watching a ball roll back and fourth, and how him and Ricky once got kicked out of a Walmart for riding tricycles in and out of the isles at fourteen.
It wasn't long before I was cuddled up against him, head on his chest in pajamas and trying to distract myself with the movie as he ran his fingers through my hair. It worked for a while until I couldn't help but let out a soft scream because I was being stabbed in the chest with a knife.
Except I wasn't actually being stabbed in the chest with a knife, it was just my body's new way of torturing me as if I didn't have enough problems at the moment.
Big Red shook next to me, startled by my evident flinch and screaming.
"Here here, squeeze my hands. Squeeze them as hard as you need to." He whispered into my ear placing his hands in mine.
I was probably cutting off his circulation with how hard I was squeezing him but he didn't seem bothered, just concerned.
"You're holding your breath, honey please try and breathe. Repeat after me, in and out."
I didn't even realize I was holding my breath until he said something about it, but even the shaky deep breath I mimicked after him felt good as I took in air that my insides were deprived of. The stabbing cooled off a bit and I let go of one of his hands.
"That's it, I'm proud of you", he said rubbing my shoulder with the free hand and I tightened the wrap around my waist bringing the heating pad with it as I clung to him, feeling completely out of it in silence.
His mother came down to check on us after hearing that scream, "I thought I heard a scream, is everything alright?... Ashlyn?"
"She's just in a lot of pain mom."
"Mrs Red? Can I spend the night?" I mustered out, nuzzled into Big Red's side.
Of course you can, spend as much time as you need. And if you need me to talk to your parents, or fight them, I will."
Mrs Red was truly such an angel is disguise.
"I told my mom and she was okay with me staying over, thank you though."
She came over and rubbed my forearm comfortingly until I eventually fell asleep restlessly in Big Red's lap.
~
I woke up in the middle of the night tucked in fully to Big Red's bed with him nearby, sleeping in his air mattress with relaxing music coming from his speaker that he uses to drown out the noise of his CPAP machine.
I suddenly realized the reason why I woke up as new knives stabbed me and my stomach lurched.
Bathroom, I need a bathroom.
My legs didn't want to move but I needed them to, as soon as I stood up I started seeing black spots again and the nausea got worse with my vision became a merry go round. I tried to find objects that I could lean on to to keep by balance while I tip-toed around his room to the connecting basement bathroom, all while trying not to wake Big Red who was sleeping peacefully nearby.
I gagged and took off into a run to the white door next to his drum set that would lead to his tiny bathroom.
Except it was dark, I was dizzy and I couldn't see where I was going and...
Splat!
The next thing I knew I was belly flopped on the hard concrete with a new dull pain in my right wrist and actively vomiting onto his floor with no more energy left in me to get up.
Within a matter of seconds Big Red was awake and throwing a bucket in front of me to catch the last of it while I was crying from pain and embarrassment.
Oh right, it was the bucket that he placed on his bedstand next to me that was there the entire time while I was in bed and I forgot about it. What an idiot I am!
"I am so sorry!" I sobbed staring at the gross mess I had made on the floor. You would think no one in their right mind would want to be with me now after seeing me in this state but Big Red was sitting there unbothered by the pile of puke I was practically laying in and rubbing my back, "hey, it's okay I promise, don't worry about it," He whispered in my ear while checking me for injuries.
"Ash, did you hit your head when you fell?" "No" I sniffed from all the crying "I did hit my wrist though, I can move it so I highly doubt it's broken" I said wiggling my fingers and gently flexing it to show him, I remembered vividly last year that when I broke my arm badly in multiple places I couldn't move it at all so at least that was a relief. It hurt but nothing compared to the rest of the pain I was in.
"Okay", he sighed to look at my hand and had me turn around so he could roll up my pajama pants and check my legs. They did both look a little swollen but I wasn't worried about it at all when I saw a different sight that made me gasp with my face turning redder than before. There was blood dripping down parts of my leg and it wasn't coming from my knee...
Shit!
"Oh my God I'm so sorry", holy crap talk about embarrassing. I probably just bleed and puked all over my boyfriend's bedroom.
And yet still he was rubbing my back and telling me softly "Ash it's okay I promise, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Do you um, have anything on you?"
Still I could feel my hot face with that hint of embarrassment.
"No, I literally haven't gotten one in months. That's kind of common for me."
"Months!? That's not normal."
"Nothing about me is normal Biggie"
"I know" he smiled at me messaging my shoulder, "but seriously please go get that checked out. You're making me worried "
"I know, I'll try." I sighed
That's if my parents would ever take me to any sort of specialist and any doctor would care to take me seriously.
"Okay, hang in there I'll be right back."
When Big Red came back he was carrying an entire Vera Bradley hand bag filled with all sorts of essentials and an ice pack that he gently wrapped around my swelling hand.
"Are these okay?" He pointed to the few different sizes of pads that he raided from Hannah's room and began cleaning the vomit and tears off of my face with a warm wash cloth.
I nodded though looking at them I knew they wouldn't last longer than an hour. But I was feeling embarrassed enough already and didn't want to be any more of an inconvenience. After all, my boyfriend already had to clean a pile of my vomit off of his bedroom floor and was currently helping me shampoo my hair in a plastic bucket.
As if reading my mind, he dunked the back of my head into the soothing water and said, "Listen Ash if you need me to go out and buy something for you so you can be more comfortable tonight and get some sleep, I have no problem doing that. I understand that this is probably embarrassing for you, but it's okay to need help, and it's okay to need to be taken care of."
"I know", my voice cracked at the end of every word as I tried my best to ignore how pitiful I sounded. "This just isn't your job!"
"Ashlyn, part of being in love is taking care of each other at our worst and if you aren't getting that care at home I have no problem stepping up. I just want you to feel as comfortable as possible."
It wasn't intentional, but in the moment all I could do was blankly stare at his eyes as mine started to water.
"It's okay", Big Red whispered stopping what he was doing to pull me in, ignoring the hint of puke on my pajamas and holding me close as I broke into even more tears that wouldn't stop.
The tears never really stopped that night, they just came in waves and hiccups.
During a quieter wave, he aided me in sitting up, supporting me with an arm around my back from behind and handed me that warm washcloth to double as a tissue, brought me over some more pain killers and water and started helping me put some of my clean sweats on (he has always kept extra clothes of mine at his house from the first month we started dating).
"Is this alright?" He stopped after a small shiver escaped from my body after unbuttoning the bottom of my pajama top. I took a deep breath and allowed myself to open up a bit on how small I was really feeling.
"I guess I feel a little bit like a baby, I mean you're literally helping me get dressed. But I know I need that help tonight, I can barely move myself and I'm too emotionally out of it."
Biggie repositioned his hands on my shoulders, "I know it feels a bit infantilizing but you're not a baby and you'll never be a burden for needing help, I promise it's okay.
"Yeah, you're the only person I would feel comfortable helping me like this so thank you for stepping up. You have no idea how much I appreciate you."
"No thanks needed."
He helped me up to my feet and walked me to the bathroom carrying the bucket and the rest of my change of clothes close by. I immediately found myself throwing up once more just from the short walk riling up my insides and dunking my head into my chest on the toilet as soon as I was finished, trying to pinch my eyelids shut before more tears could fall.
A half an hour later, I was still sitting there as he knocked on the door asking if I needed anything and I figured I would muddle my way back up, get dressed and hunch over the sink starring at the puffy eyed, both pale and flushed looking girl who generally tried to appear so confident. Splashing some water on my face, I took a deep breath and opened the door, meeting with that same concerned boy who took me by the waist and led me back to his bed.
A bed that was changed, with a new mattress pad and a matching set of blankets.
I felt my face go red once again-
"Oh no, did I bleed on your sheets?" My face tilted towards my socks in partial embarrassment as I felt a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Don't worry about it, no shame or judgement is allowed in this room. And I have a perfectly good washing machine, not that that matters."
My partner is the biggest sweetheart but I still felt uneasy about this whole night and the confirmation that I fricking bleed on his sheets was just adding to it. It's literally every person with a uterus's worst nightmare.
"Now I'm going to the store, tell me exactly what you need. I'll write it down."
"Oh don't make a special trip just for me, I'm fine!"
"I'm making this special trip whether you like it or not."
"These will last, I'll just need to deal with getting up to change a few times. It's fine, it's nearly two in the morning."
He nudged me closer to his bed, "Sweetheart, you can barely move. I want you to rest and not be getting up and falling again."
I sighed while I was fidgeting with the ice pack around my wrist. It's no use, he's just too stubborn.
"It's two am, go to bed," I moaned into the pillow I was sucking my head into.
"I don't care, most pharmacies are open 24 hours."
"You're doing too much for me."
"Ash it's okay I promise. I love you and part of love is helping the other during their lowest."
"I'm so sorry for this, you're the best, seriously."
"Oh would you stop apologizing!"
After a bit of comfortable silence and back rubbing Big Red finally grabbed a hold of his keys to leave for the store.
"Don't hesitate to call my parents or Hannah if you need anything while I'm gone."
As soon as the door to his bedroom shut I started sobbing uncontrollably into the forgiving lavender scented pillowcase in front of me. I was unsure how much time had passed but I sure pretended to have fallen asleep once Big Red came back from Right Aide and started softly tapping my shoulder.
"Hey, you feeling any better?"
I gave him a so-so hand gesture and looked towards him to see a huge bag full of stuff; two fuzzy throw blankets, a slew of over the counter pain and nausea medications, a microwavable heating pad and a giant pot of purple orchards, and of course a few different types of the requested feminine products.
"You didn't have to buy out the whole store, I just needed pads."
He smiled and shrugged setting the flowers on his bedside dresser and wrapping me in the blankets he bought.
"You're worth it."
And maybe, just maybe the rest of the night would be okay.
~
Some peace came until the next morning when my dad came storming through the Redonovitch home asking where his daughter was and demanding that I come home "right now!".
I was sure to thank you Mrs Red (who was giving my dad death glares) for the gratitude.
She broke glare and softened her eyes towards me "No problem, you sure you're going to be alright Ash?"
"Of course!"
"Alright just let me know if you need anything."
"I will."
"Call me later. And don't let him say anything bad about you."
"I won't, I'll be fine."
As soon as I was dragged to the car and driven straight out of the driveway that's when he really started lashing out, yelling and everything.
"What gives you the right to think that you can skip all your classes to hang out with your boyfriend and not come home at night, or even tell me where you are!"
"I told mom! She said it was okay!"
"Your mom is not your only parent! Next time you ask both of us or you don't go anywhere at all. I was really worried about you."
Yeah right! He smelled like alcohol so surely that was a lie.
"Bullshit" I muttered under my breath.
"What did you just say!?"
"I said bullshit you were out drinking, I can smell it on your clothes. You weren't worried about me!"
"Give me your phone, you're grounded. You don't talk back to me like that. I'm your father."
"If you cared about me and my safety you wouldn't be driving me home after drinking all night. You're probably not even sober right now!"
At that point I knew I had pushed his buttons and braced myself for the worst.
"GIVE ME YOUR PHONE THIS INSTANT!"
Before I could even reach into my pocket I was met with a forceful slap to my face which left me silent in shock with my hand immediately gripping over my left eye where he had hit.
My dad could be a bitch, especially after his recent rediscovery of alcohol, but he had never physically hit me before, ever.
"And don't say a word about any of this or you won't be seeing that boyfriend of yours even when your punishment period is over"
I reluctantly handed him my phone before things could get any worse and flipped open the passenger seat mirror to take a look at my face. It was red, but the red marks would probably be faded by the time I got home, no one would ever know unless I told them and I didn't want to risk getting in more trouble and losing Biggie, one of the few people that was keeping me from wanting to end it all with everything going on right now.
Just the mere thought of losing him mixed with the pain of having just been physically hit by someone who I grew up loving forced a few tears to escape my eyes, and ones that did not go unnoticed.
"And stop crying, you're sixteen, not seven. Grow up, start acting your age for once."
It just felt so conflicting. I wanted to blame the alcohol and not my dad, I wanted to believe he'd go back to rehab like he did before and turn out to be a better person, I even wanted to give him sympathy as I could now put the pieces together that the sudden anger in him lately and the resentment towards Gina were likely associated with him relapsing and relying on alcohol to cope with his father's death last month, but it was all so damn hard.
Mom said he had a drinking spell in college but went clean for his senior year and so on until his mom passed, and now recently my Grandpa. But it was still all so conflicting, and the more I thought about it the more I feared for the safety of mom and Gina.
I'll take whatever but if he hurts either of them...
But his driving skills definitely reflected the smell of his shirt and the only thing I could do for now was pray that he wouldn't crash the car on the way. Saving grace is, we were almost home.
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