PAGKATAPOS NILA MAG-ALMUSAL ay naiwan si Renante sa kusina para hugasan ang kanilang pinagkainan. Gusto ni Stacey magprisinta na siya na lang ang gumawa niyon dahil ayon dito ay ngayong araw din ito aalis ng bahay. Kaya lang, tiyak niyang tatanggihan lang nito ang alok niyang tumulong. So she left and secretly peeked inside the room he was using. Nang masilip dito na naka-empake na sa mga bag ang gamit ng lalaki, doon lang siya sinampal ng katotohanan na totoo ngang desidido na itong umalis.

It was only when she realized the gravity of their situation.

Kaya nang umupo siya sa sofa sa salas, doon na siya natulala. Hindi siya makapaniwala sa mga nangyayari.

Hindi ba dapat... sinusuyo niya ako? Hindi ba dapat, nagmamakaawa siya na patawarin ko siya dahil sa ginawa niya sa akin noon? Hindi ba dapat... kulitin niya ako nang kulitin para lang hindi ko na siya iniiwasan?

Her downcasted eyes started rimming with tears.

He said he's not breaking up with me... pero bakit kailangan niya akong iwanan dito sa bahay nang mag-isa? Isn't he worried for my safety at all? Hindi ba niya ako mami-miss? Hindi ba niya ako hahanap-hanapin tuwing gigising siya sa umaga? O bago siya matulog?

Naramdaman niya ang pagdaan ni Renante pero hindi siya nito inabala. Dumeretso ito sa kwarto nang matapos sa gawain sa kusina. Ilang minuto pa ay bitbit na nito ang mga bag nito.

"Ilalagay ko na ang mga gamit ko sa kotse," paalam nito bago lumabas ng bahay.

Tinanaw niya ang bukas na pinto. Ginagawa lang ba niya ito para i-test ako? Is he trying to make me stop him from leaving? Her lips tightened into a straight line. Is he only scaring me that he's going to leave me if I don't forgive him now?

Nakailang pabalik-balik din si Renante para kunin ang mga gamit nito at dalhin sa sasakyan. Hindi siya nito tinatapunan man lang tingin at kita niya sa mukha nito ang kaseryosohan. He didn't look angry. He didn't look sad. He remained unfazed and composed. How he looked right now was only crushing her heart. It was as if, it didn't matter to him at all if he leaves her all alone. 

Until she finally gathered all courage to stand up. Dama niya ang panlalambot ng mga tuhod at binti pero kailangan niyang magpakatatag. Lumabas siya ng bahay at tumayo sa front porch. Pinanood niya ang paglagay ni Renante sa huling mga bag nito sa backseat ng kotse. Walang kagalaw-galaw siyang nanatiling nakasandal sa isa sa mga poste ng front porch. She was hesitating to approach him. It was just so hard to find the words to say because they kept running around. They ran at the back of her mind so swiftly, she was having a hard time to catch them and read what they mean.

She didn't want to say good bye to him. But the same time, she didn't want to stop him from leaving because he was right. What he said earlier were all right. She needed space. These past few weeks, she was avoiding him because she wanted space from him. Para siyang nakakulong sa isang hawla at hindi makakilos nang maayos sa presensiya nito. She always had to pretend in front of him. Kailangan niya siguro palipasin ang nararamdaman niya sa nadiskubre tungkol kay Renante. Maybe, space is all that she needs. Maybe Chicago was right when they sung Hard to Say I'm Sorry...

Maybe it was hard for Renante to say sorry over and over again just to fall on deaf ears.

Maybe it was hard for her to just get over the fact that he wasn't what she loved about him.

Pigil niya ang mga luha habang nakatanaw pa rin sa lalaki. At nang lumingon ito sa kanyang direksiyon, halos pigil niya ang kanyang paghinga. His gaze seemed to tell her that he was waiting for her to run to him, to stop him... They were soft and pleading, then intense... as if they were fighting off an emotion that wanted to spill through his eyes. That small crack in Stacey's heart seemed to grow bigger. Pakiramdam niya ay mas sumaksak sa awang nito kaya mas lalong lumaki ang pinsala sa kanya.

All she wanted was to spend the rest of her life with him, together in this house or in any house as long as they are both in it. But damn. Damn feelings. Damn secrets. Damn pain. They managed to get in the way and push them away from each other.

Hindi na nakapaghintay sa kanya si Renante. Akmang sasakay na ito sa driver's seat ng kotse nito nang hindi na napigilan ni Stacey ang kanyang sarili. She almost stumbled as she leapt upon each stair and ran across the yard to reach him. Mabilis na humarap si Renante sa kanyang direksiyon at sinalo siya ng dibdib nito nang kanyang yakapin. The impact of their embrace was powerful, it made him step back.

Stacey sobbed and buried her face on his chest. Hindi malaman ni Renante ang gagawin habang nakatingin sa kanya. When he realized how hurt she was, he immediately caged her in his arms into a gentle embrace.

But an embrace wasn't enough. It did not soothe her bleeding heart. It did not calm the tremors that made her body shake and tremble. Even her lips needs his lips to stop them from shuddering. Naramdaman niya ang banayad na paghagod ni Renante sa kanyang likuran bago siya nito hinalikan sa tuktok ng kanyang ulo. He pulled her closer to him, his breathing shaking as he breather them out.

"See you on Monday. At VVatch."

Hindi siya makatango. Walang humpay na bumuhos ang kanyang mga luha. Ilang ulit siyang hinalikan ni Renante sa tuktok ng kanyang ulo bago siya nito inilayo sa katawan nito para idiin ang noo nila sa isa't isa. He cupped her face with both hands and their nearness made her feel his cold shuddering breath.

"Stacey," titig ng maluha-luha nitong mga mata sa kanyang basang mga mata. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"No," umiiyak niyang iling. "I thank you... I thank you for giving me space."

Tila naguluhan ang mga mata nito. He stared at her as if he was trying to find a trace of hesitation on her face... a sign of pretense. But he found nothing.

Nagbaba ng tingin si Stacey. Halos manginig ang kanyang mga labi. She was hurting but she could not explain why there was relief deep inside of her. It was as if she was a bird who was freed for the first time--relieved but also... scared.

She felt Renante's thumbs stroking gently under her eyes to wipe some of her tears. Napapikit tuloy siya habang kapwa sila tila hirap huminga at napapasinghap na lang. Dumilat lang siya nang maramdamang unti-unti na siyang nilalayuan ni Renante. He released her and stepped back to look at her.

Kahit lumuluha siya at nginitian niya ang lalaki. "I love you."

"I love you too," he smiled weakly while his eyes were growing misty. Napailing tuloy ang lalaki para iiwas sa kanya ang mga mata nito.

"Drive safely. Let me know when... when you're already home."

"You'll know when I am home... because it is right where you are. For now, I'll just keep wandering." Napayuko ito. "I'll just keep wandering from place to place until you tell me that I can go back and live again with my girlfriend."

She just nodded. Hindi pa rin maawat ang pagtuloy ng kanyang mga luha.

Hindi na siya tiningnan pa ni Renante. Sumakay na ito sa kanyang kotse at pinasibat ito palabas ng gate. Nakalabas na ng gate ang sasakyan nang tumakbo si Stacey sa gate para ihatid ng tingin si Renante. Nang maglaho sa kanyang paningin ang sasakyan, muli siyang napahagulgol.

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***

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NAKATITIG LANG SI STACEY KAY RENANTE habang nagsasalita ito. It was already Monday. Lima silang lahat sa loob ng opisina nito--siya, si Paige, si Ryan, at si Eloisa. Renante established a new company routine recently that every Monday, they were going to have a meeting. Iyon ay para ma-refresh ang isip nila tungkol sa mga agenda para sa week na ito. Kasama na rin sa meeting ang mga importanteng announcements o 'di kaya ay pag-update kay Renante tungkol sa status ng trabaho ng bawat isa mula sa nakaraang linggo.

Renante stood in front of his desk in his black, button-down shirt with short sleeves and red-gold abstract patterns. Naka-tuck in ito sa suot nitong slacks pants na kulay beige. His hair had this wet-look and was mid-parted. The hairstyle would look strange for others, but for Renante, it made him look gorgeous, like the 90's Nick Carter.

Habang nagpapaliwanag ang lalaki, panay ang sulyap nito sa hawak na cell phone. Nasa notes app kasi nito ang outline ng mga dini-discuss nito.

"As for Ms. Vauergard--" nakaw nito ng sulyap sa kanya kaya napapitlag siya sa kanyang kinauupuan. Nahuli nitong nakatitig siya rito kaya nahihiyang nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa lalaki. Ibinalik din niya agad ang tingin dito nang magpatuloy ito sa pagsasalita. "--kahit may approved prototype na para sa designs ng watches natin, keep an eye on the quality of the rest of the items. Para mapabilis din ang release ng watches natin, paki-coordinate sa Gallardo's na ready na tayo tanggapin ang mga tapos na nilang wristbands. Hopefully, they'll send us boxes of it in the middle of the week." He checked his cell phone then returned his eyes on her. "This Wednesday."

"Got it," she nodded. These past few weeks, napapansin ko na ayaw niyang nagpupunta ako sa Gallardo's. Ngayon, mukhang okay na sa kanya ang ganitong setup kahit na noong una ay iniisip niyang in-efficient ang pagpapabalik-balik ko roon.

Nang matapos ang meeting. Sinadya ni Stacey ang maiwan mag-isa. Wala naman ang kumuwestiyon doon sa mga empleyado ni Renante dahil magkarelasyon pa rin naman sila nito. Ryan was the last one who got out of Renante's office room. Nang alisin ni Stacey ang tingin sa pinto at inilipat ito sa lalaki, saktong nakaupo na ito sa swivel chair nito.

"Do you need any clarifications or questions regarding this week's agenda?" tanong nito habang may tinitingnan na sa laptop nito.

Stacey lowered her eyes. "May nalipatan ka na ba?"

Why does it feel so strange talking to her own boyfriend? Naghiwalay lang sila ng tirahan pero hindi pa naman sila nagbe-break! Kaya bakit parang naiilang siya na para bang ex na niya ang kanyang kausap?

Renante coolly replied. "Titirahan ko ang dating condo unit ni Ronnie. Since, hindi naman nagagamit, ako na lang daw ang umokupa roon. I'll just have to shoulder the admin fees... the electrical and water bills too. Hindi ko pa nga lang maasikaso ang paglipat ko roon kaya sa week na ito, kina Mom muna ako uuwi."

"Mabuti at nakahanap ka agad ng titirahan," angat niya ng tingin dito. "What about yesterday? May nasabi ba sina Tita Luz nang bumalik ka sa bahay nila?"

She asked about the reaction of Renante's parents. Sigurado naman kasi si Stacey na laging may hindi magandang nasasabi si Ronnie tungkol sa kanya at sa mga ginagawa niya.

Mataman siya nitong tinitigan sa mga mata. "Don't sweat about it, Stacey."

Ayaw niyang sabihin dahil siguradong hindi maganda ang reaksiyon nila...

Pinatatag niya ang kanyang anyo. "You know what happens when you keep secrets from me, right?"

"You start to hate me?" hula nito sabay hilig ng ulo habang nakatitig sa kanya.

Mariin niyang naitikom ang bibig. Is he challenging me?

"You hate me but you can't break up with me," anito sabay tipa sa laptop nito. "You're breaking my heart but I can't break up with you. So, what is the use of scaring me with something like that? Na may mangyayaring hindi maganda kapag pinaglihiman kita?"

"Nagso-sorry ka no'ng Sabado 'tapos hindi mo pala pinagsisisihan ang ginawa mo?" tangis ng kanyang mga bagang.

He looked at her nonchalantly and shrugged. "I had some realizations yesterday. Maganda nga talaga na binigyan natin ang isa't isa ng space. Now I could see our situation in a different light."

Pinaningkitan niya ito ng mga mata. "And what different light is that?"

He smirked. "Na kahit anong pagsisisi at pagse-self blame ko, hindi mo ako mapapatawad, Stacey. So instead of wallowing in those emotions, I'll just take action regarding our problem."

"Sandali lang," salo niya sa mga mata nito bago pa nito maisipang bumalik sa trabaho. "Bakit parang nabaligtad yata. Nakalilimutan mo yata na may atraso ka sa akin, Renante Villaluz! You intentionally broke my heart, used my body, and hurt my feelings just because you hate my mother!"

"I admit that," malamig nitong titig sa kanya. "I apologized for that too. Pero nakalilimutan mo yata lahat ng ginawa ko para sa 'yo pagkatapos ng masalimuot na yugto na iyon sa buhay natin. Bumawi ako sa 'yo. I went through dangers untold just for you. I took care of you. I gave you my whole heart and mind, body and soul, and I even moved in to live with you. Through these recent years, all I did is make you feel loved and valued. But you never considered any of those things that I did for you, out of love, when you found out about my mistake."

Kinakabahang napatitig siya sa lalaki.

"You never appreciated what I did for you all these years. You always saw the worst in me, Stacey. Lagi kang naghahanap ng poproblemahin sa akin. Masaya na tayo, 'di ba? Magkasama na tayo. Mahal na mahal na natin ang isa't isa. At dahil masaya na tayo, bored ka na, 'di ba? Kaya naghahanap ka na ng pwedeng pag-awayan tulad ng pagpapakasal."

"Mali bang mag-asam ako na ikasal sa 'yo?"

"Of course not. Ang mali ay madaliin mo ang isang bagay."

"So, napipilitan ka lang pakasalan ako?"

"You know why I can't marry you yet."

"Dahil nagi-guilty ka sa ginawa mo--"

"Because we're not ready yet!"

Natigagal siya dahil sumabog na ang lalaki at pinagtaasan na nito ng boses. Mabilis na napailing si Renante. Tila napahiya ito sa inasal pero wala siyang mabanaag na pagsisisi mula rito.

"Ayokong basta-basta tayong pumasok sa isang napakalaking commitment tulad ng kasal nang hindi napaghahandaan, Stacey! I don't want to risk you! I can't risk us! I can't risk this special thing going on between us! I don't mind waiting for years, basta sa huli, magiging masaya tayo at mananatiling magkasama! I just needed some time to get over the guilt I am feeling for what I did to you! Iyon lang! Dahil ang gusto ko, kapag kasal na tayo, wala na akong dala-dalang extra baggage sa bagong yugto ng buhay natin! I wanted to be the best husband for you!"

He took in a deep breath to speak more calmly.

"I want to make it up to you, kaya lang dahil sa pagbabanta mo na may hindi magandang mangyayari kapag naglihim ako sa'yo... parang nagbago na ang isip ko. Parang tama ang mga realization ko nitong nakaraan na kaiht anong pagbawi ang gawin ko, kahit ilang sorry ang gawin ko, hahanap at hahanap ka ng pag-aawayan natin. I'm getting tired of it, Stacey. I don't want to fight with you anymore. I just want to love you. But you're making it hard for me."

Tumayo na siya mula sa pagkakaupo sa visitor's chair. "Sorry, ha? Kung hindi kita mapatawad kaagad. Kahit kasi nakaraan pa iyon, at kahit kasi marami kang ginawang mabuti sa akin, hindi pa rin maalis sa isip ko na naloko mo ako. Na napaniwala mo ako na matino kang lalaki. I am even starting to doubt if you really loved me or you are just doing all of those nice things because you know I'm in love with you and you wanted to silence your guilt!"

"I love you, Stacey," mariin nitong wika. "Since the day, I got you back, I kiss you not out of guilt. I fuck you not because it's what you wanted. I did those things as expression of how I feel for you... that I have fallen in love with you."

Napayuko siya at nakagat ang pang-ibabang labi. Ayaw na niyang magsalita dahil baka humaba pa lalo ang sagutan nila.

"Pupunta na ako sa Gallardo's," paalam niya bago ito iniwan sa office nito.

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ARTEMIA just texted Stacey to inform that her flight to Budapest will be next week. She did not directly invited her daughter to, at least, see her before she leaves Philippines. Pero ipinaalam nito sa anak ang naaambang pag-alis nito dahil umaasa ito na mag-i-initiate si Stacey na mag-meet sila. Umaasa ito na kahit papaano ay may kaunting pagmamahal pa ang anak nito para sa sarili nitong ina. 

Pagkatapos i-text si Stacey, umupo sa isang reclining chair ang babae na nakapwesto sa balkonahe ng nirentahan nitong condominium unit. She chose to rent a place because her stay in the Philippines was only temporary. Plus didn't want to stay in that bungalow and invade her daughter's privacy, especially when she was already living in with that Villaluz boy.

Will she invite me to their wedding? she wondered as she sipped iced tea the tall glass she was holding. 

Mukhang relaxed na relaxed ang ginang. She wore a pair of black cycling shorts and a tight, black sports tank top. Nakalugay ang tikwas-tikwas nitong maikling buhok. Malayo ang tingin nito dahil kung saan-saan napapadpad ang isip. Tulad ng katawan nito, manlalakbay din ang diwa ni Artemia. She was often restless and curious. She wasn't made to stay in one place, which she knew was hard for her daughter to understand. She understood that for Stacey, what she did was neglect her. But for Artemia, she just needed to be true to who she really is--a wanderer, a traveller.

She may not be always present in her daughter's life, but her daughter always occupied a big space in her heart.

Nag-ring ang cell phone ni Artemia kaya taranta nitong ibinaba sa katabing mesita ang baso ng iced tea. Dinampot nito mula roon ang cell phone para sagutin ang tawag.

Nawala ang sigla sa mga mata ng babae nang makita ang pangalan sa screen ng cell phone. Awtomatikong napasimangot ito bago sinagot ang tawag.

"Luz..." matabang nitong bati kasabay ng mataray na paniningkit ng mga mata.

"Nasa Pilipinas ka pa ba, Artemia? We need to talk."

Nang-aasar na ngumisi ito. "Bakit? Wala ka na bang ma-bully kaya hinahanap mo na ako agad?"

"It's about our kids."

Napangisi si Artemia. Ano? Hindi ba nito mapaghiwalay ang mga anak nila kaya gusto siyang gamitin nito ngayon? Ano kaya ang iimbentuhing kwento ng babae para maidamay siya sa agenda nito?

She scoffed. "Matatanda na sila, Luz, kaya wala ka nang magagawa sa dalawang iyon. Huwag ka nang makialam."

"I think they are going to break up soon. Naghiwalay na kasi sila ng tirahan ni Renante. Dito na ulit siya nakatira sa bahay namin ni Ronaldo."

Lalong gumusot ang kanyang mukha. "Ano ang ginawa ng tarantado mong anak sa unica hija ko?!"