Feeling Mirza's lips on hers was surreal. To be honest, she didn't think she wanted it until I had kissed her. Her hands pushed me back to the counter and squeezed my waist. Kaynath moaned into the kiss and pulled her closer.

I liked her. I think. I mean, she was my friend, so I definitely did, right?

One of Mirza's hands cupped her jaw and she forgot the confusion that clouded her senses for a moment. She threaded her hands through Mirza's lush hair. Something soft sparked inside her that she didn't know existed.

What was there to be confused about, anyways? I was thoroughly enjoying the soft curve of her against me.

Mirza broke off the kiss and blinked at Kaynath. Kaynath already wanted more and watched her lick her lips. She missed the skin leaned forward, a little out of breath and looked down at her. A mixture of emotions played across Mirza's face and she looked...a little upset. She looked away and scrambled away from Kaynath. "Um–"

Kaynath waited for her to say something but nothing came out.

"This was a mistake, I am so sorry," she rushed out and then patted her hair down, glancing around as though she would be caught in the act. She looked ashamed, or so it seemed.

Had she not kissed anyone before or was this her first time, maybe with a girl?

"Hey, what's wrong?"

She opened the fridge and looked inside blankly. "I am another story you would tell your friends about and laugh about later."

Kaynath couldn't phase what had happened suddenly. "Mirza, no, you're not just one of my stories...you-you are more."

Mirza took out a cup of Amul yoghurt and ripped off the wrapper. She shrugged.

Kaynath felt her heart constricting a little. She liked Mirza. She didn't know in what way, but liking her as a friend now seemed enough.

Was it not enough?

"Mirza, I like you."

"As a friend," they both finished. And if it was another circumstance, they would have laughed and said they finished each other's sentences and could sense the other's thoughts from across the room.

But it wasn't another circumstance.

"Exactly," Mirza laughed harshly. "That. That, right there is the issue."

"Why? Do you not want to be friends?" Kaynath whispered, treading carefully. But it seemed she was saying all the wrong things.

"Kaynath, keep your sex games to yourself," she moved around and sat on the couch.

Kaynath felt like a stranger, suddenly.

"You flirted with me! Was I not supposed to kiss you?" her thoughts fumbled out and were out there, naked. She felt terrible. She never had to have conversations like this in the past with any of the people she had flings with.

"Clearly we are on different pages here," Mirza stabbed the yoghurt with her spoon furiously but her voice was smooth and composed.

"Can't you just tell me what's wrong?" Kaynath's voice broke a little and Mirza looked at her with a frown.

She sighed. "Don't cry. Just, let's forget this ever happened."

Kaynath nodded, and tried wiping her eyes discreetly with her hijab.

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to kiss you without you wanting it–" Kaynath blabbered on, trying to say something that would resolve the issue.

Mirza motioned her over and then stuck out the spoon for her to eat. "Here. Shush."

Kaynath sat beside her and accepted the peace offering and swallowed it with bitterness. Did eating the cold yoghurt make her cold towards her? Perhaps she was unwanted now that Mirza kissed her and knew that was not what she wanted. She grappled with the loss of control and how much it affected her to not have what she wanted.

Why am I this affected, anyways? Mirza is a friend. I happened to kiss her. Right?

"I wonder what Anya is doing," Mirza mused.

Ah. There it was. Mirza probably liked Anya back the way Anya did.

Kaynath's thoughts jumbled. She knew if she wanted to find out, she would simply have to prepare Mirza's favourite dish and she'd be able to gauge her feelings. It didn't exactly work like mind reading, only the way one felt.

Mirza used to joke it was because Kaynath was insensitive to other people's feelings and she used her skills to do that. Which, in retrospect, seemed right.

"Mirza."

"Do you think I am insensitive to people's feelings?" she whispered, quietly, tugging at the ends of her kurta. She kept touching the floral embroidery at the ends, wondering if she wanted to hear the answer to it.

"Yeah, I mean, kinda," she laughed wholeheartedly like it was a joke and Kaynath found herself mortified. Mirza took one look at Kaynath's face and started laughing all over again, slapping her thighs with her palm and doubling over.

Mirza did have the warmest laughs that Kaynath had ever heard in her life.

"Seriously?" Kaynath pouted a little and Mirza nodded.

"I mean, I can't believe you're not at all self aware! I thought you were a purposeful mean girl but now it just seems you're an oblivious mean girl, which doesn't make you all that mean, does it?"

"Hey, I am still mean! I am mean to Anya a lot. I think," she pondered over it. "At least her expressions say so."

Mirza scoffed. "You two need to sort it out." She pierced Kaynath with a solemn look. "If you hurt her too much, though, be warned, I won't be afraid to hurt you back."

"All in good spirit," Kaynath protested. "I am sure she likes to bicker. I mean, she could back down for once."

"She's a softie."

"Do you have a crush on her?"

"Oh come on, not this again," Mirza looked exasperated. "Just let it go, okay? It's none of your business, because clearly you don't have a crush on either her or me. Isn't that right?

Kaynath didn't respond for a long while and Mirza waited and then sighed.

"Hey," she said after some time, wanting to change the topic.

"Hmm?" Mirza looked at Kaynath with a very blank look and that scared her.

What she saw moments ago felt like a hoax, a mirage. Was she hallucinating when she saw those eyes want her just like she did?

"Uh, should I leave?" she blurted out, not wanting to make things any more awkward between them.

"Sure, if you want" Mirza cracked a smile and Kaynath's mind went into overdrive. That stupid smile. What was she supposed to make of it anyways?

"Alright," she said, and rearranged her hijab and promptly got up, reaching the door, her hand pausing at the door knob. Waiting for Mirza to call out, to stop her from leaving. If Mirza wanted her to stay, she wouldn't have said okay to leaving. When nothing happened, she opened the door and let herself out. 

Perhaps, she didn't know Mirza at all.

***

It was a gorgeous Sunday with shops closed, the air smelling damp and the mud squeaking as she walked to her home. The skies were the perfect combination of cloudy but bright, now that the rains had washed away everything and it was a clear day but not sunny. Perfect time for chai.

She should have been happy. Well, at least she could go home and munch on a Kozhikode halwa or two. She felt like sponge cake that had forgotten to use baking powder and didn't rise and now it was just sad and pathetic and measly looking.

"Sweetie!" her mom called her as she reached home. She was watering the orchids, and waved.

"Hey, mom," she tried to sound happy but her shoulders slumped.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, really, I just went to see Mirza and came back," she turned away and then walked inside.

"Oh, you're still talking to her?"

"What do you mean, umma? She's my friend," she cut a scathing look from across the porch. She was about to step inside to change her clothes, but now she was just tired and angry.

"I assumed she was just your person, that you go to for a haircut."

"Well, she is my friend, and I see her outside of work too. She is lovely, and you should meet her sometime," Kaynath offered her mother a small smile, trying to clear the tension.

"Is she, now? I knew her mom. Didn't she go to America or something?"

"Yeah, she's working there, as a nurse. I think she will come in December, for a visit."

"Well, you know, her parents are divorced, so I don't think it's a good idea to be spending much time around Mirza," her mom switched off the tap and then turned to her daughter. "Tea?"

"I'll make chai. Is the Kozhikode halwa still left?" she asked as she walked in. "Also, please, umma. Mirza's mom is very loving and caring. She is sweet, too."

"Yeah, it is still left. You have spoken to her?" her voice levelled and Kaynath didn't like where this whole conversation was heading.

"Sure, on video calls, I guess."

"Change your clothes and come down quickly. I need help with cooking today."

Kaynath changed into an oversized pink t-shirt and wide, loose black pants. They were baggy and comfy and she just wanted a hot cup of chai and to snuggle under the covers. Monsoon would be starting soon, and the transition of hot summers to monsoon was sticky, humid and terrible. The rains were light, and brought out more humidity rather than carrying the summer heat with them. But it was the start of May and soon enough, June would bring jackfruits and puddles and she couldn't wait for it. It would also bring out all the creepy, crawly creatures from earth which she detested, but it was a small price to pay for that sort of heaven.

"I am not going to stop seeing Mirza," she declared as she poured milk into the saucepan and heated it. She opened the fridge, spotted the halwa in a small box and sighed in relief. Munching on the sweet, juicy black sweet made her forget her thoughts a little more. 

"I'm warning you about associating with...those people," her mom said.

"Just because you don't like Shireen aunty doesn't mean you can tell me what to do about my friends." Adding crushed ginger and cardamom, she increased the flame and waited for it to simmer.

"I just want the best for you. Also, Kulsum is coming next week."

Her spirits instantly lifted and she took her phone, video calling her sister. Her sister picked up on the third ring. "Kaynath! How are you?"

"I am good. Umma said you are coming next week? I thought you would take ages?"

Kulsum laughed and the sound warmed Kaynath. "No, but my exams are done and I miss home and mom's cooking. And you, of course. I'm bringing some dresses for you."

She held up a pair of kurtis, one blue with Ajrakh printing, as she recognized from Mirza's endless rants about various prints. Another was a simple yellow one and Kulsum kept showing her accessories and Kaynath was excited. She couldn't wait for her Kulsum to get here and for them to talk and dress up together.

"Don't spoil Kaynath too much, Kulsum," her mom popped in the frame and waved. "She already is slagging around here."

"Umma!" Kaynath protested. She knew it wasn't a joke.

"I hope you can come and help us on your break, mole," she said softly.

"Of course. Also, Kaynath is doing her best," Kulsum paused and then frowned. "Leave her be. Let her figure out her things. She's twenty-five after all, just give her space."

"Okay, okay! My two daughters plotting against me," she said, woeful. "What has life become?"

They laughed but one of them was fake-laughing and Kaynath couldn't wait for her sister to get here and the loneliness to fade away. 

***

Glossary:

Kozhikode halwa: A halwa/sweet made from coconut, jaggery, cashew and sugar from the district, Kozhikode, in Kerala. 

Ajrakh: A textile-block printing found in the Sindh, Pakistan and the village of Ajrakhpur in India. 

***

Yay, an update! Also these two are extremely horny and kissed way earlier than I planned so now they face the consequences of author punishment! Fun times. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if so, please vote and comment! It makes my day so much.