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TW: swearing

I was slouched in my chair in F4, scrolling on insta with my phone in my lap. I'd managed to avoid any awkward conversations with anyone so far, and because I kinda didn't have any friends I had no problem with talking to no one. This was pretty much how I'd spent the entirety of last year- quiet, alone at the back of the class. I didn't offer answers if I didn't have to, even if I knew them, which was most of the time. I didn't talk to anyone if they didn't start the conversation, because the silence didn't make me uncomfortable so I felt no impulse to break it. 

I turned off my phone and put it face down on the desk in front of me as I dug through my pocket for my headphones. I had air pods at home but I'd be too embarrassed to actually wear them when it wasn't 11:00PM and I couldn't sleep. Besides, I like cord headphones. I absolutely DESPISE over-the-head headphones. I plugged the headphones in, pressed play on 'This Side of Paradise' and sat back in my chair again.

Then he walked in. 

Some tall blonde kid with mismatched eyes and untied shoelaces.

Fuck.

I looked away quickly and covered my face with my hands. 

Why? Why did I have to be like this? 

I peeked through my fingers at him before dropping my bag on the desk and hiding behind it. Not again. I sighed. Every single time I finally get over someone, I find a different guy and have a different crush that consumes all of my time and ultimately ends in nothing apart from endless pining and feeding my obsession with insta stalking. 

I tried to distract myself with music but I still ended up overhearing most of their conversation anyway. He was called Connor. 

Since Mr Castillo gave us a free period to sort out our stuff... I spent pretty much the whole hour watching Connor and eavesdropping. It's a problem, I know, but if I wasn't eavesdropping on him, I'd probably be listening to someone else's conversation anyway.

Apart from getting my books out at one point to try trick Mr Castillo into thinking I was actually doing something, I just watched him.

After getting into an argument with some of his friends, Connor decided to just try and ignore them. He reached up to tug at the back of his hair nervously. Even if Connor's friends apparently weren't the best, I'd noticed he was always surrounded by people. He knew pretty much everyone in the class, and he seemed to be friends with most of them too. I looked across at the empty desks around me then shrugged it off.

Eh, I'm in my own head too much anyway.

The thing is, unlike normal people, I don't just talk. I sit there and over-analyze almost everything they say. I think about what to say, and if it's too random to bring up that thing they mentioned once three and a half weeks ago. And by then I've been quiet for too long and there's no point because they've already decided what kind of person I am.

Well, at least there's no chance Connor's going to talk to me. Then I can't mess anything up.

The bell startled me and I cursed under my breath as I tried to fit everything back into my bag that simply wasn't big enough for all my stuff. Especially on a day that I've got PE. My mum did try talk me out of getting this bag, but I liked the colour. Finally all the stuff that used to be in my bag was back in my bag. I know I always take ages to pack my stuff away but I was gonna be late.

I rushed out of the class and ran to the changing rooms, going to my usual spot in the corner of the room. I threw my bag down in a hurry and it slid halfway along the bench. I barely saw Connor pull his PE shirt and fidget with his hair before he ran out the door and onto the field. 

He touches his hair a lot. I thought, suddenly feeling self conscious about my own hair. I shook the thought away, and changed into my PE gear. I re-wrapped my scarf around my neck and took one step outside before deciding I needed my jersey as well. I was the last person to leave the changing rooms and I quietly slinked up to the group that was gathered on the field, I'd already missed half the instructions the teacher had given out. I was kinda zoned out, focusing more on keeping myself warm than how to hold a basketball. The words I did hear, though were:

"Can you all pair up and get one basketball between two."

I let out an annoyed sigh. My least favourite part of almost anything you do in school- forced socializing. Maybe if I stood still enough I'd turn invisible. 

"Hey," 

Damn, it didn't work. I looked up and met their odd eyes.

Oh crap oh crap oh crap. It's him. I looked down at my feet. It's fine just don't sound weirdly excited.

"Hi." I said flatly and it came out colder that I expected.

I turned on my heel and walked over to get a basketball from the bin that Mr Brown had dragged outside. Fuck, I'm being weird again. Stop being weird. DON'T BE WEIRD. I thought furiously as I walked over to Connor. He was looking at me. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME. Stop looking at me. I didn't know I could both want something and not want something so much at the same time. I mean, I want to talk to Connor and I want him to like me but I also don't want him to talk to me because I'll probably mess it up and he'll never talk to me again.

He was still looking at me so I said the first thing that came to my mind. And I guess that thing was "Were you watching me?" Ughh I keep saying all the wrong things.

"Nope." He was lying and I don't know why but honestly it probably doesn't even matter. 

I think I might've rolled my eyes because the eye contact was making me uncomfortable, and I just threw the basketball to him, in hopes of distracting him.

"So what's your name?" He asked, and I pretended I didn't hear him. He flicked his hair out of his eyes. AGAIN. I couldn't decide if his habit was cute or annoying. 

"I'm Connor." He said, like I didn't already know his name. I only met him today and I've never talked to him so I shouldn't know his name.

"Vega." I said quietly. 

He nodded awkwardly and I clenched my jaw so I didn't say anything weird. I think I was staring at him a bit intensely because he looked a little uncomfortable.

He hurled the basketball at me and I caught it, but for a second Connor looked.. surprised that I caught it? 

And before I could stop myself I called across the wind. "What? You just assume I'm as weak as I look?"

I regretted it instantly, but Connor's eyes widened and he shook his head, suddenly all defensive.

"No! I wasn't thinking that!" He replied quickly.

I smiled softly, then it turned into a smirk. "You know, you're a lot easier to read than you think." I said. I need to stop talking. I keep making this weird.

He started to say something and for some reason I decided that was the best possible moment to toss the basketball back to him. It hit him hard in the chest and I think I winded him. 

But the only thing I could manage was a weak "huh".

Connor bent over to rest his hands on his legs and catch his breath. I felt guilty, but he stood up, screwed his nose up at me, and then continued to pass the basketball to me. I blinked, because I wasn't expecting that. I think... we're good?

I was getting colder, because the clouds had passed in front of the sun. I saw Connor look at me, shivering under all my layers.

"If you're gonna say something about me being cold in summer, don't. You're shivering too." I didn't mean everything to sound so harsh but I don't exactly have super excellent social skills. Besides, I don't think Connor seemed to mind.

We passed the ball to each other and suddenly there was nothing to say. The silence that I usually welcomed was making me feel nervous. Did I say the wrong thing?

Luckily a surge of wind shook me away from my thoughts, bringing me out of my head and back to what was happening now. Sharp needles of the cold air buffeted us from the side. Connor was standing there with his blonde hair all tangled up, and I couldn't help laughing as he reached up, yet again to try fix his hair. I clapped a hand over my mouth as Connor whirled around, eyes narrowed. 

"What?" Connor cried out indignantly.

"You touch your hair a lot." In my head the words ended there but I kept talking. "You keep messing with your hair out here. I saw you pushing your hair around in the changing rooms and in the classroom as well." As soon as I'd uttered those words I realised my mistake. I averted my gaze and reached up to my scarf anxiously, twisting the tassels around my fingers. Why did I say that. Whywhywhywhywhyy... Now he knows I was watching him.

"I do not push my hair around!" Connor wailed, and it was funny how annoyed he was.

"You SO do and it's so funny." I replied, mussing up my own hair to make fun of Connor.

"I do not look like that!" He hissed and I think I smirked.

"Suuuuuure you don't, skyscraper." I said, which surprised me, but Connor looked even more stunned by it.

I swallowed and was thinking about saying 'let's pretend I didn't say that'. I was actually talking to Connor, which was good but- Ugh I'm talking to him all wrong.

A lock of Connor's hair fell in front of his eyes. He caught my eye and I reached up and started flicking my hair as a joke.

And then something hit me in the shoulder. Connor threw the basketball at me. From the way he covered his mouth with his hand I could tell he didn't mean it, but I still felt like getting him back. So I threw the ball at him as hard as I could. It nearly hit him straight in the face, and I'm kinda glad it didn't. 

For the first time that day, I let myself smile. I didn't worry or care that other people saw me smiling, because I was happy, and I was actually having fun. Me and Connor proceeded to (respectfully) attempt to hit each other in the face with the basketball and, inevitably, got told off by Mr Brown. He looked at us with his arms crossed, then made that tsk sound before sighing. He just stood and watched us pass for a bit, in his windbreaker with the Ellis Caduceus-like logo printed on the back.

A bit later we were sent off to get changed for interval.

I raced Connor back to the changing rooms because he was freezing and it had dropped several degrees while we were out there. As I walked over to the corner where my stuff was, I could sense Connor hesitate and I think he nearly moved his shit over here so he could talk to me. Ugh you're being stupid again, Vega. Stupid stupid stupid.

Even though Connor talking to me was a one-off thing I guess I still hoped he'd talk to me again some time. I probably weirded him out though. I mean, just now he turned back and I was looking at him again. I don't think he saw me. I hope he didn't see me. He packed his stuff up and left, and so did I soon after.

I walked out of the gym building and made my way over to my spot by the library- there was a wall just around the corner of the library, which was positioned in a way that blocked most of the wind. I could sit up on the wall and just watch people on the field. I'm pretty sure the wall is technically out-of-bounds but none of the teachers have told me off yet in the year that I've been here. I pressed play on my music again and somehow got my lunchbox out of my bag without my PE gear, school books, or stationary spilling out. I was quite proud of myself for that.

Grabbing some of my food and sitting back, I let out a sigh and looked out across at the people milling on the field. 

And then I looked over and nearly fell off the wall when I spotted Connor. After I'd regained my balance I took a deep breath and gripped the sides of the wall so I didn't fall again.

I could see Connor standing next to some girl with gorgeous brown hair, and they were laughing together under the shade of a winding, sinuous tree. I did hear Connor's friends-maybe-not-friends talking about him having a girlfriend. Honestly I'm not that surprised. I mean he's cute, nice, and can hold a conversation with someone for more that a few minutes.

I must've sat there for a while, just watching them, because when the bell rung, and they hugged goodbye before walking off in different directions, I still hadn't eaten most of my morning tea. So I shoved my muffin in my mouth and just picked up half my stuff without bothering trying to pack it away again.

In a hurry, I leapt off the wall and rushed to Social studies - luckily the class was right beside the library. Connor was right behind me when I walked into the class, and I could hear him breathing heavily because he must've run from the field to get here on time. I was hyperaware of exactly where he was as he brushed past me. The edge of his hand was touching mine, and I don't think he noticed but it was all I could focus on, even as the teacher started talking. I felt my hands and neck getting hot so I looked to the side and paid attention to the teacher instead. 

I didn't move my hand away, though.

We were all gathered at the back of the class while the teacher brought up the seating plan.

It was in alphabetical order by our last name, like the roll, so she could learn our names. That meant me and Connor where on opposite sides of the class. Not that he'd even want to talk to me anyway. I was sitting at the front in the middle of some blonde girl and one of Connor's.... friends? I think? Brian.

"Welcome year tens! My name is Mrs Lopez and I'm looking forward to teaching you this year!" She wrote Melissa Lopez up on the white board, then drew a smiley face next to it.

I put down my lilipad-coloured bag, and tried to stop myself from digging my nails into my palms out of nerves. I don't really hear much of what Miss's saying, I kind of zoned out. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I guess it's because I'm wedged between two people I don't fucking know. My eyes were darting around the classroom, trying to find something I could read, just anything to distract me. And of course my gaze landed on Connor. He turned his head and I saw his earring for the first time. I blinked several times in row, and in my shock I hadn't realised he was looking at me. 

Shit.

He did this cute little wave and smiled at me. I slowly smiled back at him and waved, then suddenly turned back to Miss, screaming internally.

And that's chapter 2!! Constant pining and overthinking. Also I managed to write the word weird so many times..
If anyone thinks the whole crush thing is moving to fast, um no. I distinctly remember walking into a room and seeing this person and having a crush on them immediately. So it does happen. This chapter was a bit longer than the first bc I just kept adding stuff in. Hope you guys liked this chapter!

° . * ° . * 2666 words ° . * ° . *

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Published July 30, 2022

-Ferret

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