I imagined talking to Harry being easier. On Thursday, I thought I’d just drive to his after school. Then I wasn’t brave enough to ask Mum for his address. On Friday, I asked for his address right in the morning but used my essay as a reason not to drive to his. (I didn’t continue with the essay one bit, that afternoon).

Now it’s Saturday afternoon and I feel like if I won’t fucking get my shit together and talk to him today, I won’t ever again. It’s not that hard. I’ll ask him what he feels, I’ll tell what I feel, I’ll apologize in case Zayn’s theory is right. Or maybe I’ll apologize anyways.

And then I’ll either kiss him or I’ll say goodbye and leave again, but this time with certainty. It isn’t that hard. It shouldn’t be.

But my heart is beating so badly that I wonder if people passing me on the streets can see the way it moves in my chest and my hands are fucking sweaty as well. I’ve never told someone I like them first. I’ve never had to ask someone to clarify their feelings for me because I wanted them to be with me so badly. I’ve never felt that strongly for someone and it scares me so, so much.

When arriving at the yellow house Mum described to me, I stand in front of it for at least five minutes before I walk up to the door and stay in front of it for another three minutes. Then I press the doorbell, finally.

A woman opens it. A woman that looks a lot like Harry. She’s got long brown hair and she looks good. She does look a bit tired and a little sick but she looks way better than what I imagined someone with an addiction to look like. She looks happy, too.

“Hello?”, she asks, looking at me with a risen eyebrow, then smiles. “Louis! You’re Louis, right?” She waits for my confirming nod before smiling even broader.

“You look just like when you were younger. Shouldn’t be that surprising, really, you’re the same person.” She chuckles and I smile. I’m sure she’ll be a good mother for Harry from now on, if she manages to stay strong enough.

“Can I give you a hug?”, she asks, stepping aside so I can enter, “I’m so grateful for you and your mum. So, so thankful, Louis. Thank you for providing Haz the opportunity to spend a good summer and for giving me a chance to get better.”

“You’re welcome”, I say, “You should thank my Mum. She was convinced. I wasn’t, I honestly have to admit that I was so not fond of the idea of Harry staying with us. I think I gave him a bit of a hard time, in the beginning.”

“Really? Oh, it couldn’t have been too bad. He said nothing about that. Only told me good things. I’m glad you’re visiting. Harry’s been a bit down those last days. School must stress him out.”

“He”, I start, pausing, “He said nothing about, um, us not getting along?” I step from one foot to the other, feeling uncomfortable and nervous.

“He did say you were annoying each other quite a bit.”, she smiles, winking. I try not to blush because it looks like she knows as well.

Harry didn’t tell her about our argument. He didn’t tell her how absolutely happy he is to be back home because I’m an asshole. He felt down those last days. Anne is glad I’m visiting. She doesn’t know about anything because Harry didn’t tell her.

That either means that he thought it wasn’t worth telling her because he thought we’d never see each other again or because he, I don’t know. Maybe he had hope to clear things up. Maybe he isn’t even angry at me. Maybe.

“Do you want some tea or cake?” I hesitate because I don’t want to be impolite but at the same time I feel like if I don’t talk to Harry immediately, I will probably faint of nervousness.

“You probably wanna go upstairs to Harry first, right? If you two want to, we can have tea together afterwards. First door on the right is his. He’ll be happy you’re here.”

I hope. I hope nothing more than for him to be happy to see me and not be absolutely mortified. And I’m probably exaggerating. Like I always do. But still. He might be mortified. I have to consider all the possibilities.

When arriving at his door, I take such a deep breath in that I feel like I could hold my breath for at least two hours with all the air in my lungs now. Then, I knock, twice and lightly and wait for him to answer.

“I’ll be down in a second, Mum”, he says and I feel warm, just from hearing his voice. Fucking shit.

“Can I come in?”, I ask, hoping he’ll hear me because I can’t seem to speak at a normal volume, for some reason, burying my hands in the pockets of my shorts deeply.

It’s silent for a few seconds and it’s a bit hard not to just burst into the room and hug him so tightly that I’ll crush his chest. “Yes”, he then says every so quietly and It’s relieving to know that he at least wants to see me.

When I enter, I look at Harry first. He’s sitting on a small couch next to his desk. He’s wearing long, oversized t-shirt and baggy sweatpants, his curls messy and he looks the most gorgeous. His room is painted a light blue colour and looks really cosy, except for his bag not yet unpacked, clothing scattered over the floor.

“Um, hi”, I say, my voice quiet and I sound insecure and I hate it, a little. “I, I’m, do you-“ I stop talking, trying to remember what I wanted to say. I don’t. I don’t know what to say other than I fucking like you and I hope you like me back.

“Hi, Louis”, he says quietly, voice soft. He pats the cushion of the couch next to him softly and I take it as a signal to sit down next to him.

“Hi”, I repeat, when letting myself sink into the soft pillow, “I hope you’re okay with me just coming by but it was a very spontaneous decision because if I would’ve thought about it any longer, I would’ve probably gone crazy so I hope you don’t mind me just passing by”, I ramble, making a pause to catch my breath.

Harry just stares at me, not saying anything, just blinks so slowly, His eyes so green and his lips slightly parted and so fucking soft and he’s so wonderful.

“So, you didn’t mean it?”, he whispers, voice sounding small and quiet and I’m happy I’m not the only one feeling like this. “You didn’t mean what you told your mum?”

My heart sinks to where my stomach, or something (not that I know much about anatomy) is and I feel like the worst human existing, once again. I am quick to shake my head, looking down at the black pillow laying between us.

“Good”, Harry whispers into the silence. I keep staring at the pillow until something moves in the corner of my eye and Harry closes the space between us, his arms wrapping around me tightly, pulling my head against his shoulders.

“Good”, he repeats, his arms tightening around me as I wrap mine against his upper body so tight that he probably couldn’t escape. “I didn’t either. I didn’t. I was waiting for you to, I don’t know. I was so hurt. I thought, maybe. I’m sorry, we’re so stupid.”

I don’t say anything for a few seconds, just listen to his breath calming down, breathing in his scent, noticing the way he smells a little more like his home here and I like it even more, feeling his chest against mine.

“I know”, I say, “I was just, I don’t know. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want what I imagined you could feel like. I don’t know why I was so convinced; I don’t remember. I was so scared that you, we’d-“

Harry interrupts me by pressing his lips against mine, not moving them for a few seconds until I finally get it and shut up. “Can we talk later?”, he asks quietly, “If you want to explain yourself now it’s okay but, right now it’s not of importance, why you said what. I want to listen to you but, maybe, if you wanna kiss me first?”

He doesn’t have to wait for an answer another second. I pull him in by his neck before he can continue talking and kiss him softer and more carefully than I’ve ever kissed him before, all the hurt and confusion leaving the moment we’re close.

“I like you. I like you so much, Harry. I, I think, you’re just, you’re important to me. So, so much. I care for you and your feelings more than anything and I don’t ever want to hurt them again.”

“I care for you too, Lou. I care for you so much that it’s easier to do than anything else. I care for you so much that you distract me from anything bad going on. You don’t hurt my feelings. You make my hurt feelings manageable. You made my summer good, Louis, even though I was worried sick. I don’t know what it is that I feel for you but I’ve never felt stronger for someone.”

“I'm sorry”, I repeat and he shakes his head slightly, “Fuck, Harry, I’m so relieved right now. I thought, I don’t know what I thought. I don’t know why I ever expected anything else from you than to be the kind and caring person you are.”

“I was angry”, he says, “When I heard you say that. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to talk to you about it but I was hurt and then, I don’t know why I acted like it all didn’t matter.”

“It’s not your fault”, I say, my head resting against his shoulder, “I just didn’t think you’d hear what I told Mum. I thought I could prepare myself for the worst and then if you did like me back, or something, then I would be even more happy. I shouldn’t have said that. I should’ve asked you how you feel and it would’ve made things easier.”

“It would've. But I understand. I was uncertain too. I’m just glad you came by. I wanted to because, well, I didn’t want to believe that you thought about, well, us, that way. I was scared, I guess. And busy with Mum coming home. And school. But mostly I didn’t know how to do it.”

“Doesn’t matter now, does it? We’re okay now, right?”

“More than okay. We’re good now. We’re all good.” Harry leans in, kissing me softly again and I finally don’t feel the tightness in my chest anymore, just those stupid ants crawling over my skin and a warmth in my tummy that I hope won’t ever go away again.

We kiss until I’m pretty sure the warmth won’t ever leave again and until my lips feel a little sore and my hair is messy. We stay on the couch with our arms wrapped around each other for as long as we can before our legs fall asleep and the couch doesn’t feel soft and comfortable anymore.

“Your mum wanted to have tea with us”, I mumble into Harry’s chest at some point, tilting my head to look at him for about the millionth time this afternoon.

He smiles, nodding. “Don’t think it’s tea time anymore. We’ll have to have dinner now, I suppose. But let’s go. I’m sure she’ll be happy if you eat with us.”

I nod bringing myself to finally get up, then offering Harry a hand so that I can pull him up (and also so our hands can touch, but whatever).

He doesn’t let go of my hand as we walk down the stairs, his thumb brushing over the palm of my hand in regular, circular motions, the smile on both our lips not leaving.

When we arrive at the kitchen door, Harry stops walking, pressing my hand three times in a row, then leans down until his smiling lips are touching my ears. “What if I introduced you as my boyfriend?"

It doesn't take me too long to come up with an answer as Harry's lips linger on my skin softly and I nod, convinced, the smug smile on his lips turning into a big, happy grin.

~~~

that was it with the regular chapters <3

sorry for the irregular updates but I forgot since I was on holidays

epilogue soooon, hope you enjoyed so far