Chapter 17

"Sam? Dean?" Sam didn't think to hear that voice in his house ever. He thought, Gabe had left again, had disappeared like last time, but now he could hear him calling from the corridor. He starred at the empty bottles in front of him and didn't react. His heart felt empty, a huge hole that engulfed everything coming next to him. He knew, nothing could fill this empty, nobody could alleviate that loneliness he felt, because he had lost his best friend, his niece, his older brother. Dean had always taken care of him, made sure that he went to school even when his father preferred to hunt to playing with them or just being there for them. Sam would have done anything for his brother, he would have died for him, too, but instead he was now even responsible for his death. He just had to be more careful, then Dean wouldn't have hesitated either. The guilt consumed him, he had done nothing! He hadn't been paying enough attention, hadn't noticed the second vampire, he had arrived too late and had to watch as his brother bled to death in his arms.

His fingers had entwined one of the bottles and were circling the lid the whole time. He wanted to keep drinking, but he knew it was wrong. "Sam?! Dean?!" Gabriel's voice got louder and Sam could hear something rattling, probably Gabe ran into the shoe closet in the hallway, he had asked Dean months ago to finally push him aside, but he had found it much funnier, Sam opposed it every time to see him running, since most of the time he hadn't paid any attention to the corridor and had been engrossed in documents. 

The pain intensifies. Why? Why did he keep calling for his brother?! "Damn..." You could hear soft cursing from the hallway and Gabriel opened the door to the living room, he would see him soon. "Dean? Damn it, where are you?!", he demands and Sam bursts out of control. "Shut up! If you call for Dean again, I'll throw you out of the house myself!" He stood up so suddenly and jerkily that the chair fell backwards and hit the floor with a clatter. "Sam?" Gabriel looked at him confused and his voice also was very hesitant. "What's wrong? Where's he?" Sam swallowed, his hands had tightened around the neck of the bottle, the knuckles already turning white. Gabe looked at his friend a little suspiciously and slowly took a few steps closer. "Hey, Sam.... What happened?", he asked again, this time more careful. "Where have youbeen...?", answered Sam with a counter-question, but his voice sounded more like a accusation. "I was upstairs and got some things straightend, but Sam, what happened? Where is Dean?!" Sams eyes glared furiously. "He is dead! He is gone and you weren't here! Why not?!" Sam knew, that it wasn't fair to blame Gabriel. He screwed up himself, he hadn't paid attention to his surroundings, he had allowed himself to be surprised and that's the only reason his brother was dead. Gabriel wasn't to blame, he had absolutely nothing to do with it, but it just felt too good to shift the blame to someone else. "Sam! I'm so sorry." Gabriel's voice sounded genuinely dismayed and he laid one hand on his shoulder. Because he was so much smaller as Sam it was so easy to shake off his hand. "No!" "Sam...." Gabe's voice was compassionate and he stood in front of him. "What happened exactly?", he asked and looked up to him. Sam had averted his eyes and tears ran down his cheeks. The words stuck in his throat, he didn't want to live through again how his brother died. Didn't want to feel the warm blood on his finger again, didn't want to hear his brother's last breaths, it was just too much.

Everything was quiet, no words came to his ears. Dean's heart was still racing, the silence was impenetrable and yet as loud as the sirens of an ambulance driving right past you. He didn't dare open his eyes. Lucifer had fallen silent, Castiel's and Lillian's voices had vanished from his head, all he could hear was the rush of his own blood and his wildly beating heart. The smell had also changed, it no longer smelled of ash, smoke and burnt skin, no, it smelled sterile. Disinfectant, old people, the smell reminded Dean of his countless stays in hospital, but especially of his last one. Lillian's in ICU.

shook his head. No, please don't, I can't go through this again..., he thought and put his hands on his face. He didn't want to see that again...

""Lil?! Lilly!", he ran through the corridors on the 2nd floor, no orientation and no idea where he had to go, his thoughts only revolved around his little angel. "Lillian! Where are you?" He looked into every room he passed, he ignored nurses and doctors who wanted to stop him. He only wanted to see his daughter. "Hey! Calm down, Mr. Winchester!", a tall man stood in his way and Dean looked up at him. "Where is she?!" He asked, his eyes flashing anger as well as concern. "You can't go to her at the moment, she's in intensive care," he said and Dean's hands clenched into fists. "Now listen to me very carefully, if you want to go home today, then take me to my daughter now, you understand?" His voice was dangerously quiet and he came closer and closer to the doctor. At first Dean thought the doctor wouldn't back down, but something had made the doctor rethink.

The twinkle, that dangerous little twinkle in Dean's eyes, the doctor could almost see it. This man wasn't one to beat around the bush, this was a man who acted and someone who protected his family. Dr. Milton, as he later introduced himself, led Dean to the ground floor ICU. The doctor typed in a code to the switch set on the wall and the doors opened. Dean had to stay calm not to storm through the door right away, because it wouldn't have helped him anyway, barely 20 meters away there was another door, directly on the other side of the waiting area. "Mr. Winchester, I must ask you to wait here until I have checked on your daughter's condition" Dr. Milton said it again in a calm tone, but Dean didn't hear. "You want me to wait? That's my daughter in there! She's 4 years old and you want me to wait? Forget it!" Dean called out to the doctor and shook his head violently.

The nurse stationed in the waiting area looked back and forth between the two men in irritation. "Can I help you, Dr.?" She asked a little shyly, but looked at Dean with a cautious, assessing look. "No, it's okay, Leah," he said and looked at her briefly. "Just let us through," he said, nodding to Dean.
"Come on," he said with a sigh and Dean was standing next to the door almost a second later, just waiting for the electronic buzz that announced that the door could be opened. "Lillian?!", he looked around and recognized some beds , the curtains mostly drawn, but you could still see the monitors and patients.On the first bed lay a young woman, her head completely wrapped in bandages and with a tube down her throat.His gaze wandered, grazing more tattered and patched bodies until it finally hung on to the small, scrawny body that was lying on one of the beds on the other side."Lil!", Dean merely breathed his daughter's name, but you could hear the fear in his voice and he and the Doctor kicked approach the bed. "Sweety? Hey, princess, can you hear me?" Dean took her hand and put the other hand on her head. "Please.....say something.....", he said softly and looked at her closed eyes. The The doctor had taken the medical file out of the monitoring station and had skimmed it. "She probably doesn't hear you anymore," the doctor said carefully and put a hand on Dean's shoulder. "What do you mean by that?" Dean looked up at the man and in his eyes was a look of deep despair and unbelievable anguish. "She's practically dead, I'm sorry Mr. Winchester, but the only thing keeping your daughter alive are these machines. Due to the serious injuries in the car accident....", he paused for a moment to give Dean a pitying look, who could only stare at him in irritation. "She had severe cerebral hemorrhage, many areas of her brain were no longer properly supplied with blood until it finally led to brain death. My condolences." Dean shook his head in disbelief.
"But..... she.... she is still a child...", he whispered. "She can't just be dead, I mean...." His eyes went to the machines all around Lillian. "That's her heart beating, right? That means she is alive!" "Mr. Winchester, in that moment we stop the machines, your daughter's heart will also stop beating. The machine breathes for her, but her brain get no longer oxygen. I'm very sorry, but you have to let her go." Dean tore his hair, again and again he ran his hands through his short blond hair, he needed an idea! His eyes scanned the room, searching for a solution. The doctor had left him alone with the words "Say goodbye to her" and returned to his other patients.

And then came the saving idea, like the unexpected rays on the horizon when the sun rises after a long and dark night. His daughter had to live, she should get on with her life. Sam would take good care of her, he would teach her everything that was important and he would always tell her how much she was loved. How much he and Cass still loved her and would always love her and what they had sacrificed for her. Dean turned without saying another word and disappeared from the intensive care unit, straight to the next intersection.