"Please, would you finally stop to pace up and down like an idiot and sit down now?" Gabe lied outstretched on one of the beds and sticked with pleasure a chocolate bar into his mouth.

His sight followed Sam, who paced through the room over and over again and looked thoughtfully to the wall leading to Dean's room.

"Calm down, probably he is showering or he is changing. He will not suddenly go mad and run away", he said a little bit bugged and played with the wrapping of the chocolate bar, which shined silver in the light of the sun. "And why I can't hear the water?", he asked and stopped moving, not sure if he should turn to Dean's room or to Gabriel, but decided for Gabe. "I thought, he would come back to us immediately", he said and curled the corners of his mouth. Sighing Gabriel declined and shook his head. "Sit down, Bigfoot, and give him some free space." Only grudging Sam sat down on the other bed and focused his sight to the door. Completely unexpected the bar hit him on the head and Gabriel smirked. "Pay attention, there are only few moments I share my sweets", he winked at him and Sam looked at the bar, which had fallen to his lap. "But you were right, he has changed extremely", Gabe said after a while of silence. "Not that I would miss his stupid sayings or his sarcasm, but some day he was much coole." He gave a shrug.

Dean blinked a few times and got back to the reality. His eyes burned once again, there wouldn't be much left und he would come apart at the seams again like a little child and let his tears rip. The pain came back, the certainty of not being able to do something und it was horrible to re-experience everything every day again. To feel this loneliness every day, the empty in his heart knowing that nothing ever would be able to fill this empty. A look to the watch said him that he had simply stared straight ahead for an other half an hour. Quickly he took a shower and let the warm water release the cramped muscles. He ran his hands over his face and he enjoyed the warm wetness on his skin. He toweled himself off, put on his usual blue jeans, the black t-shirt and a dark blue shirt above and he ran his hand through his still wet hair. With his few belonging he went across and opened the door to Sam's and Gabe's room. "There you are", Sam said and looked up to him. In his view there was incredible relief. "I was still showering", Dean only said and stayed leaning against the wall, he looked pretty lost despite the tiny room. "Well, why are we actually here?", Gabriel asked to the round, sat up with pep and clap his hands once. Full of expectation he looked into Dean's expressionless and Sam's a little bit disappointed face. "A vampire", he said. "In the city it seems that he strikes terror into people's hearts, on and on people have been missing and some day they were found exsanguinous next to the river." "A vampire? Only one?", Dean asked now surprised. "We are sitting here in that bad, ruinous dump only to kill one vampire?" "What's so bad with this? There are still dying people, Dean, that shouldn't have no preference to you."

Right, it shouldn't, Dean thought, but it was like that... It had no preference to him, that people were dying, he wanted back to his own little world again. Back to the memories, he would love most to live in the unlimited flashbacks, only to let him forget the pain.

"It has no preference to you, right ?" Sam was shocked, his eyes blabbed the smallest doubt, the fear his brother could affirm the question. "Right, Sammy, it has no preference to me! Because you know what? I don't feel anything but my own pain! Every night I wake up, pulled out of unbelievable nightmares, out of never ending ways of Cass' and Lil's death! In my dreams I have lived through every imaginable possibility a thousand times, every more shocking and more painful than the one before and you know that I have a lot of imagination!" Dean was angry, he was frustrated, he knew that it was wrong to wreak everything on his little brother and that he should think about the good of other people, and didn't do it. Everything was arse about face, nothing like before. "Every time you see me staring in front of me, do you think that these are only happy memories? They aren't! Not always, some time there is that moment the faces squinches up to demonic grimaces, words became to lies and the sharpest knives. You want to know how I feel? You want me to talk to you? But I can't, Sam! Every time I only speak out Castiel's name or think about it, the pain start burning again. It brews in my chest and every smallest movement, every little word is like alcohol that feeds the flames and it's burning! It's burning in my soul, in my head and in my heart! My full body is aflame. My thoughts only rotate about their death, about their not lived days they never had. What would have become of Lillian? Would she have done something with animals? Would she have joined the hunt, would I had allowed it at all? Would she have passed the rest of her life with helping other people, would she have become a nurse or even a doctor?! When would she have married, got own children? How would her husband have been, would we have liked him or would she have turned away from us because we would had disliked him? Would Cass and I have been as happy as on our first day, would we always have been waking up together every morning, tight in the arms of each other and smiling jauntily? Can you tell me, Sammy? Can you tell me what they would have done with their lifes? Perhaps someday I wouldn't only had been a father but also would have had grandchildren!" Dean swallowed, it was too much, tears slipped down his cheeks although he had grinded them down. "Every second awake I think about what would have become of their lifes, but waking up of these dreams and nightmares I know that I will never find out! I will never find out, if my little girl perhaps would have become a great surgeon or a lovely mother, because she has no chance to live her life. She still had everything in front of her! She should have fallen in love, should have broken the boys' hearts, eating chocolate with Cass and me in the evening when she felt not well and bringing home her first heartache. Everything would have been better than this! I would have wished her reams of friends to confide in when she had a dispute with us or we had an other opinion. She should have had a normal life! Cass gave up his life with the angels just to have more time for me and Lil. He had broken every contact and had built a life with me. We were so damn happy, Sammy, and now everything is gone! Nobody can bring this time back, nobody can fill this emptiness in my heart. Wishing it so much, but not even you can keep this no ending loneliness away from me. Perhaps you can't understand what I mean, you never have been a father, but I can tell you that I don't wish you that either. I don't wish anybody to go through the same like me. Nobody should loosen his child, that's simply cruel...and if someday...someday I catch that son of a bitch, who took away my family, then not even God will be able to help him. He will wish to be in hell instead of being catches by me. He took everything of me and that I will let him feel! I will show him how I feel, how I felt the last four month. He will know how it feels to die thousands and thousands of deaths inside! I swear it, Sammy", Dean said and ran his hand through his hair. He noticed that he couldn't breath. Panic and pain fought for the upper hand and at the end they shared the prize. Dean slumped down, he slipped down with his back at the wall. "I loved him!", he whispered. "I loved both so much! I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing..."