I want to go

But I do not have the guts

Nor the right reasons to.

I just want to go.

For a while now I've imagined

The entire place breaking out in flames,

Or the earth gaping open,

Swallowing us whole.

I've imagined telling them I couldn't do it anymore

Telling them I've had enough, that I'm dying here.

That everyday, though I smile and laugh and horse around

I am miserable.

I am no longer happy to be here.

But I just keep it to myself.

Because I can't unleash a tidal wave of emotions;

I can't let the volcano inside me explode;

Without expecting destruction, hurt and pain.

Because I am afraid of flying

Outside the walls I've built for safety

Out into the woods of uncertainty

Out in the face of change.

Because I know I'm not strong enough

To stare fear in the face

No matter how small, irrational and weak it might be

I feel smaller, weaker.

I feel like I am drowning

In warm, soothing waters

And I refuse to swim up to the surface

Where the air is frigid and hard.

How long can I wait?

How long can I hold my breath?

Will I stay alive until I am saved?

Or am I already dead because of myself?