Have you ever ruined your own life
Over and over again

Making progress, finally feeling happy
But you forget something, a small thing

All the grades fall, all the thoughts come back
You try so hard to pretend it's fine

You can't act interested in life with friends,
Can't seem to drag the sympathy out of your self absorbed brain

Think you're happy until the anger wells up
Drowning and swishing in your empty head

Friends try to help, but they can tell it won't help, because you hold yourself in the pit

Self pity, a tar pit of your own making, but you can only blame others because you can't believe you actually did it again

You want to talk to someone, anyone and tell them you can't get out, but all they say is, why did you walk in?

You did it. To yourself...and you know it already
You keep trying to get out but you get more covered in the tar, sinking slowly

As you lay in your bed or stare off in to space while your friends talk, you can feel your brain filling with hot liquid tar

If it were manifested as physical illness, blood would ooze form your ears and nose as your blank stare turns blind

Your neck muscles would go taut with effort to inhale, airways blocked by an invisible rope
You grasp the covers of your bed or the edge of the couch

And finally as the pressure is building up, unable to be relieved by conversation or hugs, the simple kindness of others, blocked by the fear they might end up like you

Your only cognitive thoughts are the memory of when you tried your hardest to tell someone

But when you tried to finally ask for help, when you saw the hopelessness and mild annoyance at the fact you might be lost again cross their face

and your stomach dropped because You didn't even make it through the first few testing lines,

it's been kinda hard recently ... I don't know why I am so sad when everything seems to be okay... thank you for being kind...I'm sorry that I was angry, I'm just overwhelmed... only got a few hours of sleep the last few days...stared at my homework again for hours...why is it always so hard to drink water...I'm okay until I'm not... lowkey dying but it's cool...how are you doing?...it just be that way sometimes...

Their demeanor changed, knowing what was coming. The cycles that they know now, thinking that you won't listen to them, even though you do and you try everything they say for as long as you can. Almost getting out again, and again and again.

You jerk softly in a last ditch attempt to escape with all your might, the pain surges but you hardly move at all

Your brain fills with the roaring sound of your failing heart, breaks in your consciousness flickers like a candle

The known world lapses with glitching darkness as the power finally disconnects and all is silent as you finally let go...

Sliding into the pit of your own darkness
that
you caused.
and
that
you walked into.
and
That
You cOuLdnT escape.

...

It was just you. You open your eyes again. In the same place, where your eyes closed. It's just another time you let yourself see the reality. Most of the time you distract yourself with work or busyness or mindless scrolling. The problem is you know you could do better, you know that you could make your life better, you know the only way to change something is to change it. And the only way to learn is to practice and the only way to get better is to try.

But you can never take the next step, because you are you.

And you are stuck.