I'm not dead.
I know it seems that I am to all my internet friends.
I'm not active anywhere I used to be,
And I wish it would have worked out differently.

I haven't gotten on in days, weeks, months, or even years.
This seems to confirm all my fears
That I'm not getting better; I'm just getting worse.
Depression will kill me if anxiety doesn't get me first.

I'm sorry I can't live up to your expectations
Because my mental state has shaken me down to my foundations.
Hell, I can't even make myself be productive
Without being mentally destructive.

"Mantha" used to be everywhere,
But now it seems I'm only a source of despair,
Because we all know that I'll only leave again,
And I'll be back, well, who knows when?

I'm tired of making myself do things, new and old
Just trying to find myself a foothold
So I can stay rooted to reality.
It doesn't work, in all actuality.

I'm just a disappointment.
Even this poem was written just for your enjoyment.
It was hard for me to muster up the motivation
To just come up with this creation.

Thoughts of suicide
Seem to always cross my mind.
I always wonder if you would cry
If this turned out to be my last goodbye?

I know I'll end up taking my own life someday.
I've never thought it would be any other way.
This hasn't ever bothered me,
Because someday I know I'll end up free.

My situation seems to be so detrimental
That I need to seek a trained professional,
But wouldn't it just be a waste of time
When my natural response is to lie?

I won't kill myself yet,
Not when I'm still in debt
To those people who inspired me
And tried to help me, despite the futility.

Thank you for putting up with me
As well as my crazy personality.
I want to somehow make it up to you,
But I probably won't ever follow through.

There's no enjoyment to life.
There isn't anything except pain and strife.
Nothing ever comes across to me as fun,
I swear that I'm just done.

I'm not dead... But I wish I was.

~Mantha8225~

A/N: Hey so I just happened to check WattPad and I realized that I published "The Oncoming Storm" exactly a year ago. Since this is a special opportunity, I tried to come up with something to post. This is partially inspired by Boyinaband's song of the same name.

And to my internet friends who stumble across this: I'm not dead right now and I don't intend on being dead in the near future. Please don't worry about me. I don't want you to have to feel anything negative because of me. So please, just be happy :)