They say, "It's meant to be," or, "It was written in the stars," or even, "You were made for this," but why?

Are they trying to manipulate you into doing something by feeding you compliments, lies, or misled truths? Shouldn't someone be able to figure out their own worth without someone whispering in your ear? Why should they have to? Are you not able to look at something you made and see the flaws but still recognize the perfections? Are you not allowed to pick and choose what you like and dislike without somebody telling you to do one or the other?

I think this is why people don't want others to see their work before they're done. Because they aren't able to go through their process, because they aren't able to think a certain way when somebody looks at the bare bones and says, "Eww, that doesn't look like anything," or they say, "Oh my god, that's amazing," and you get the feeling to stop and just have it be done, even when it's not your best, or if they say it sucks then you want to trash it or add conflict that doesn't need to be added. And when they just sit there and stare and you're not sure what to think, the anxiety or need to prove yourself kicks in and you end up doing things that you wouldn't normally do if you were on your own.

Or maybe you aren't like me and I'm making dumb assumptions, just like everybody else in my life. Maybe you need people to be there with you or you aren't sure what to do, maybe you just want it. Maybe you need the advice, maybe you want it - seek it out.

And if you have an editor or advisor and you're like me, you show them the complete work of the small piece, where they can critique and you can decide whether you agree with it or not, or maybe you don't agree with it but you can't swim up and break the water, drowning in your hatred or jealousy, envy or pride, fear of what people think of you. Fear of what you could become.  (A/N - I'm saying what I would do, I have no idea how having an editor works)

I find that's why I seek out people's advice, because I'm too insecure to trust my instincts - or maybe they aren't my instincts and they're just thoughts or random lies I tell myself.

I find myself pouring my thoughts into this and am wondering, "Am I doing the right thing or am I just being dumb and should take this down immediately?" But I'm not sure. And I suppose there's only one way to find out.

But that saying is also dumb, you don't have to find out, you don't have to breathe. They're more expectations, whether they're from yourself or others - just something you do without an explanation. Sure, I don't think they're all bad, but I think they all way you down. But if you let them go, will they float away? Will you lose yourself? Will you wish them back but they're out of reach? Will you not be brave enough and catch them before that happens? Or will it all be fine and nobody will care?

I don't know.

But I'm getting off topic, aren't I? It seems I always do that with my thoughts, I tell myself I'm stalling then have to figure out all the reasons I'm doing so - which is evidently, more stalling. But then I call myself out on that - well, the cycle goes on and all.

It's written in the stars, but stars fade, they explode, they're balls of gas floating in what I like to of as endless. But of course it's not endless, because they disappear, maybe not in our time, but in someone else's. Or will mankind fade away before they do? Will they outlive us? Probably.  And if they explode or disappear before our time, they either disappeared long before, or they're just really old (I think).

It's kind of comforting, in my opinion. But that's what this all is, isn't it? Just my opinion written on a piece of digital paper with a font so people can actually read it.

It's comforting because the expectations will always outlive you, they won't matter to you in the end because they'll still be there, my life is meaningless. Maybe I'll make one person smile, or make a joke that someone doesn't register and takes it as an insult. Maybe it'll weigh down on them until they die. Maybe the smile will give them the courage to move forward and make some life changing decisions.

But here's the thing: I don't get any credit - I don't think I will anyways. Do I even want credit? Maybe I'll secretly crave it but when I get it I'll be embarrassed. Maybe I'll figure out I hate the spotlight. Maybe I'll figure out how much I love it. Maybe power just doesn't fit my fingers, it doesn't curl around my grasp like it does someone else's. I guess it wouldn't be fit for me.

But I'd still have it, and I couldn't easily take it back without bringing myself more embarrassment - but that wouldn't matter, would it? Remember? Didn't you just say expectations will outweigh you anyways? So was I lying to myself, and inevitably anyone reading this, or was I telling the truth and I lied somewhere else?

And how can it be written in the stars? Is it like those constellations I love to fantasize that I can read, and that I'm special because of it? Because that power fits my grasp? Is it like how I enjoy searching up names of them and little individual stars and making them into my own little OC's? Or when I find one I like and alter the name because I think it sounds cooler? Is that like plagiarism? Is that my way of getting rid of a comma in one of Shakespeare's plays and saying it's mine now? Or is it just inspiration? Is inspiration plagiarism? Am I just adding weight to your expectations? I like to think I'm sorry that I am, but thoughts aren't words or actions. You can think many things, but unless someone's looking in your head, they aren't real.. Because if nobody sees it then it's not there, right?

If we're using letters we didn't make up, we're taking advantage of the person that did, right? Is it bad I don't know the person that made the alphabet? The person that came up with the idea? The person that funded it or whatever it was people did back in their time? Was that sentence disrespectful because of my ignorance? It sounds like I'm asking meaningless questions now, but I guess I'm a meaningless person according to my thoughts so I'm just filling the act.  Have my thoughts changed or are these just temporary - was that thought temporary?  Why do I keep wanting to write 'I don't know'?

I started writing this because I thought I'd write something smart then gain some recognition I crave, then when it arrives I want to throw back out. Why am I like this? Why was I born? If I was born even a millisecond before I was, would I be different than the person I am today? If it was another doctor that delivered me would I be different?

If I can't remember it is it not important? It's like a test, if you forget one question, it's not important, right? Would it add up? It's not like someone would refuse you a job because you got that question on a quiz wrong way back then, right? They wouldn't do that to me. Why should they?

I never did anything wrong. But you did though, didn't you? You got that question wrong, that question you forgot caused this all. If you had studied a little more it wouldn't've happened. Or is it the teachers fault because of the grade they gave you?

Did the teacher hold a grudge against you and hated you so much they gave you a lower score than it could've been? Or were they so nice that they gave you a higher one? Were they normal and used a grading machine because it could accommodate that?

Does it even matter in the first place because the job you asked to get was trash in the first place and you didn't really want it but your mom worked there and she would've been really excited if you did (I'd like to say I'm not speaking of personal experience, I'm just writing what I think I'd do in whatever situation I put myself in) Or would it have only gained a laugh? Was that embarrassment needed? Do you think the person that you gave your resume to will become famous one day and tell a story about some idiot that failed a test?

Would they give a name or would you just sink into your pit of despair, anger, embarrassment, and envy? Would you be the only one that knew it was you and just lived your life that way?

You wouldn't be meaningless though if that happened, would you? No, you wouldn't - I don't think so anyways. People would laugh at the persona of you, even if it wasn't at you physically. They told the story so they would laugh at you, but not in a cruel way where it was in your face and you were publicly shamed. No, just behind your back.

Because that's obviously so much better.

But at least you made people laugh, that's good - right?

You're getting off track, you were supposed to be talking about dumb sayings, remember?

You were made for this, so what? I once started drawing a cat, the drawing was made to be a cat, but it became one of my grandma's dogs. So? Just because you were made for something doesn't mean you have to be it. But now I'm sounding defensive.  Should I be sorry?  People say being defensive is bad, but being offensive would be picking the fight.

Am I saying offense isn't the best defense?  I think I'm just telling myself not to get in that situation in the first place, but what do i know?

Maybe I won't post this and it'll just sit in my google doc forever, but this is supposed to go in the A/N, remember? I suppose I'm sorry for that too, let's just move on before I make things more awkward.

It's meant to be, it's kind of got the same concept as before, I'll be honest. You were meant for one thing, you did something else. Whether it was good or bad.

(A/N -I'd rather even if I knew you that you'd not talk about this. I just wrote what was on my mind, so be prepared for some editing in the future, I know myself to know that I'll look back and take back so many things I just wrote)