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July 16th, 2017, 4:23 PM

I remember that feeling. The feeling of being alive.

For me it was riding; The exhilaration of riding on the back of a galloping thoroughbred riding through rows of blueberry bushes. It was the experience of feeling like at any moment you could fall, but not giving a shit because in that moment you had so much adrenaline and joy that nothing else mattered.

I miss that feeling. It's been so long since I've felt alive. Yes, I can feel my heart beating, and yes, I can feel my lungs taking in oxygen, but I feel nothing. Just emptiness. Sometimes I feel sadness, and I welcome it, because even feeling miserable is better than feeling nothing at all. It's been like this for a long time. The only time I can remember feeling anything other than sadness or emptiness was that moment on the back of a beautiful animal, whooping for joy as we whipped down the path. I want that back.

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