ALL THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

Oooh boy gonna have to go to work sick tomorrow because I don't have health insurance and my work requires you to have a doctors note after 2 days out :) :) :)

Anyway, I realize I've barely updated on here. Wanna know why? *makes rainbow gesture like spongebob meme* depression!! (Can you tell I'm on a lot of drugs rn? I feel like it's obvious oops) so how are you guys? Are you good? Is school going good? How about family?

I'm doing absolute shit right now, thanks for asking. Depression is flaring up (of course), I cut for the first time in what has to be a year or so, I've been struggling with them good old suicidal thoughts again, constantly having anxiety because I'm being pulled in ten different directions with my family, school and work and honestly the only time I can relax anymore is around Will, but he's constantly busy with work and school as well so I am falling apart. Wow sorry for that really long run-on sentence.

I can't even begin to explain what's triggering my emotional turmoil. I haven't been to therapy in months, I couldn't go to my grandfather's celebration of life because of work and I would have to see my dad, my mom and sister are as bitchy as usual and are guilt tripping me for putting my school and work first, my dad's side of the family is disappointed in me and I definitely feel like it would be better if I was just dead.

Also questioning my gender (again) but I actually updated on that. So who knows? I could be trans? Which could cause a shit ton of other emotional trauma because my family that knows barely tolerates my pansexuality. Plus transitioning is hella expensive.

Basically I'm at a point where I want to throw out everything I own, move out, get a new wardrobe and cut my hair, quit my job and go somewhere that doesn't cause me a shit ton of anxiety, and spend all of my time with Will. But that's too much to ask so I'll settle for death. It's fine. Everything's fine :)))))