Heaven is absolutely, 100%, totally fucked.

God likes to find good in everyone. And i mean everyone. Murderers. Rapists. All kinds of miscreants.

You can find any type of criminal up there, you name it.

When I first died and went to Heaven, I expected so much. Like in the movies, where you walk up those huge, white steps and you're greeted by angels. The angels list off every good deed you've ever done before you merrily skip off into the golden gates.

When I first arrived at Heaven, it was nothing like that.

First off, the line was huge. A couple thousand people each waiting to be led into paradise. I had no concept of time after I died, so I have no way of really telling how long it took. Waiting in these lines is where the foundations of the first gangs were built.

Yes, there are gangs in Heaven.

And everyone is terrified of them.

Except me, as I was kicked out of Heaven.

I am the first person to be kicked out of Heaven. Yup, that's right. I was kicked out of Heaven. Not even Satan himself could figure out how to do that.

From what I've already told you, you must assume God has a horrible judge of character. I mean, come on, he lets millions of criminals gander around Heaven, not having to pay for their crimes. Is that really what you would call a good judge of character?

Personally, I think the big guy upstairs is a huge bitch. But I'm probably the only one to think that. Being the only person to be kicked out of Heaven and all.

It's not like I hold a grudge against the guy. In fact, I'm glad I was kicked out of Heaven. Who wants to spend their afterlife surrounded by notorious criminals?

You must be thinking, "Hey, aren't there good people in Heaven, too?"

You are completely right. Except, with so many criminals hanging around, no one can tell who is a criminal and who isn't.

What do dead people have to fear? I mean, they're already dead. They can't be afraid of dying again. So what's the big deal?

Well that's what God thinks. Since everyone is already dead, no one could commit any crime! They've all learned their lessons! There's nothing to fear!

Surely you must detect my sarcasm.

I think God's a little naïve if you ask me.

But really, who would want to spend their afterlife renting an apartment with Hitler?

Why shouldn't bad people repent for all the shit they've done? Why do they get the same things good people get when all they've done is cause shit storm after shit storm?

You can imagine the anger everyone feels after they realized everyone goes to Heaven.

Now, you must be wondering what the actual fuck I did to be cast out of Heaven.

Before I can explain, you have to understand something about God first. God is so sensitive. He can't even take a little bit of constructive criticism.

But that's a little troublesome when Heaven is overrun with criminals.

I was only trying to help God fix his little paradise. You would think he would want help controlling all the little monsters he let into Heaven.

But before I could even begin to explain my plan, God started crying.

What a sight it was. How often do you see God cry?

I had hurt God's feelings. The guy deals with thousands of criminals a day, wouldn't you think the guy would be a little tougher? Apparently not.

He did not like the idea I suggested that people were causing trouble. That there were bad people. It ruined his entire philosophy.

And apparently I was the one who ruined it all.

Give me a break, asshole.

So God, being the big baby he is, kicked me out of Heaven. Then the guy started spreading rumors about me. I mean, come on. The guy had already ruined my afterlife enough.

There really was no need to spread around the rumor that I was Satan.

God really is a bitch.