Before tonight, I never had a sip of alcohol. I was always afraid of breaking the rules or doing something that went against what was expected of me. But tonight, I don't care. I'm so exhausted from doing right by everyone. I work my ass off at school, deal with people like Jordana Hastings, and for what? To have my long-lost mother show up at my door and pretend like she hasn't been missing from my life for the last 13 years?

"Lucy said a bunch of people are at the beach for a bonfire," I hear Peyton whisper to Molly. She clearly doesn't want me to know because she's shielding her phone from me, but I'm on high alert tonight, so I make out every word that she speaks.

"Oooooh, let's go!" I exclaim.

"Good job, Peyton," Molly sarcastically says before looking at me. "The only place you're going, Stassie, is home. To bed."

"You're going to let her dad see her like this?" Peyton asks.

"We have no choice, P. I'd bring her back to my house but my parents are there hosting their friends."

"You guys, I'm fine," I say. "Don't treat me like a child, and don't act like you've never been in my shoes before. I had two drinks and a really shitty day. I can't go home right now, and I promise that I won't drink for the rest of the night. Just...let me live a little."

I notice Molly glancing at Peyton, who shrugs her shoulders. "Fine," Molly huffs, sticking her index finger in the air. "But no more drinking."

We Uber to the beach, and I haven't sobered up yet. I'm not drunk, but I'm also not thinking with 100-percent clarity.

There are more people here than I expected, around 50, give or take. It's mid-October, so there's a breeze in the air, but it's still nice enough outside to be wearing a jean jacket or light sweater.

Speaking of a light sweater, I see Henry from a distance wearing a gray hoodie. He's talking to Shawn, and I nudge Molly's shoulder. "Your man's here."

"Shhh," Molly tells me.

"Oops," I giggle, but by the look on Molly's face right now, she's not finding it all that funny.

"Should we do a lap around, ladies? See who's here?" Molly asks in an effort to change the subject.

My eyes immediately start scoping the area for Jack, and I hate that I care to find him. I hate it even more that I hope he's here.

The bonfire is pretty small, so it only takes me a few minutes to spot him. And when I do, I notice Jordana standing right beside him. It's just the two of them talking, and while it should settle me that Jack looks somewhat uninterested in whatever she's spewing, it still hurts.

Jordana says something else before turning around to walk away, but before she can, Jack reaches for her hand and then says something else to her. She smiles back at him, and the entire sight stings so badly that I have to look anywhere else. I don't know why he stopped her from walking away or what he said to her, all I know is that I hate it. I hate every single bit of it.

He finally lets her go, and that's when he looks my way. Our eyes lock, and as tempted as I am to not give him the satisfaction of me staring at him, I can't. He seems surprised but also sad to see me, and I don't know which emotion I prefer from him at this point.

I keep my eyes on him because they say it all and I want him to know what I'm feeling.

It hurts to see you with her. Does it show?

I turn my head when you reach for her. Is it obvious?

I think I'd give up the world for you. Can you tell?

While this is all happening, Henry walks up to us. I'm too lost in my thoughts right now to give him my attention, which is fine, because Molly and Peyton do all the talking.

"Guys, I'll be right back," I tell them.

"Where you going?" Molly calls out when I start to walk away, but I don't answer. "Stassie, hello???"

"Bathroom," I finally call out over my shoulder.

***

I lied. I wasn't going to the bathroom.

I lied again. I wasn't done drinking.

Some guy offered me a beer in passing, and I took it.

"Are you kidding me right now?" Molly says, catching me red-handed. She grips the bottle out of my hand before I can even answer her. "You promised me no more drinking."

"It's just a beer, Mol."

"Yeah. That's what you said about the first margarita. And then the second."

"Relax. You're not really one to talk."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you're not necessarily Miss Innocent, so quit giving me shit for doing something that you would do, too."

"Ha, that's funny, turning this on me when it's not about me at all. You're upset about your mom and –"

"Don't, Molly."

"See, that's what I mean. Any time she comes up or you have to deal with talking about her, you digress."

"Yeah, because it's none of your business."

"I'm trying to be a friend to you, Stassie, but you won't let me." I don't say anything and she shakes her head at me. "C'mon, it's time to go home."

"So leave. I'm staying." I grip the bottle back from her and she gives me a look of disappointment, but I don't care.

I make my way toward the shoreline and just watch the waves crash. The bottle of beer is half empty, and I can officially say that I'm drunk. It feels good, but at the same time, it doesn't. I feel like I'm trying to be someone that I'm not in order to forget someone that I don't want to.

"Hey," I hear a voice call out from behind me. It's soft in tone, but strong in delivery, and I know who it belongs to. If I turn around, though, I'll make myself even more dizzy, so I keep my head pointed straight ahead.

Jack stops right beside me. From my peripheral, I see him slip his hands into his pockets and turn his body just a little.

"Can I have that?" he asks, nodding at the beer bottle that's in my grip, and I squint my eyes at him like he's delirious.

"No."

"Please. I just want a sip."

"Fine," I sigh. "Just a sip." I hand him the bottle and he takes it from me. He doesn't drink from it, though, and chucks it into the ocean instead.

"Hey! What'd you do that for?"

He turns his body even more so that he's facing me fully. "Because you're drunk. And I don't like seeing you like this."

"Oh, right. Okay. I almost forgot. Jack Carrington doesn't like something, therefore, it can't exist."

"That's not true, Stas."

"Whatever," I roll my eyes, turning to leave, but he's quick to grab my hand.

"Anastasia," he says, and I look down at our hands.

"What do you want from me, Jack?" I ask, my voice breaking.

"You."

I gulp, picking my head back up to look at him. "Jack...," I say, shaking my head and going to walk past him again.

"No," he says, gently clutching onto my shoulders, this time, to stop me in place. All while his eyes are piercing into mine. "No. Listen to me. I want you. Badly."

"Really? Where was that feeling the other day when you were breaking up with me?"

"It was always there."

"Right. It was always there," I mimic him.

"I mean it, Stas. It was always there. It's always been there."

"You do realize that everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie, right?"

"I'm not lying to you."

"Great, another lie."

"What do I have to do to prove to you that I want you?"

"Nothing. Because I wouldn't believe you regardless."

"Stas..."

"I saw you talking to her. Jordana. She was walking away from you and you stopped her. It was like you wanted her to stay."

"It wasn't like that at all. Trust me."

"Trust you?" I repeat, my eyes going wide. "You want me to trust you? How? How can I trust you when you've given me no reason but to not."

"Stas, I'm trying here."

"No. You're not. You give me the bare minimum just to keep me holding on. And you want to know what? It works." I exhale, feeling overwhelmed by my emotions. "Some days, I wish I never met you, Jack. That way I wouldn't know what the pain feels like from not having you. But then other days...other days, I convince myself that the pain is worth it because I can't imagine my life without you in it."

He just stands there. He stands there looking at me blankly. Jack Carrington is never one to be speechless, yet here he is. At a loss for words.

And then I see him move his feet forward.

Toward me.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I ask him. But he doesn't respond. He just keeps moving. "Jack?"

He finally comes to a stop in front of me and then reaches his hand out to cup my face, right before he crashes his lips onto mine.