Chapter Twenty-Five

I skate to Burt's in a complete daze after my conversation with Boyd, which had gone about as well as expected but a whole lot worse than I'd hoped.

"Whoever drew this has some serious issues. They might wanna see a doctor," Taylor says, hiding her laughter because this is serious and Finn looks so sad.

"Or read a biology book," Frankie adds, her hand tracing a lopsided, incorrect spray-painted penis on the side of Burt's door.

"Have you called the cops about this?" I ask Finn as I scan the damage. He shrugs at me. "You should you know, it's a crime. They can't get away with this."

He looks down at his hands. "Our security cam is busted. It was dark. No one saw a thing. Besides, the police will just take a statement and forget about it before the inks dried."

"Don't say that."

"It's true. Maybe if I had the sway and lawyers on tap like Buddies do I would but I don't."

Taylor keeps shaking her head. Her face is about as fiery red as her hair today. "Speaking of," she says, turning to me, "where was wonder boy last night?"

"This could've been anyone Taylor," I reply, with little conviction.

"Sure, 'anyone'." Her hands dart up into air quotation marks. "Anyone who seriously hates that Burt still stands."

Finn doesn't join in, he takes a seat on the low stoop and buries his head in his hands.

I stop arguing. I quickly join him and Frankie wedges him in on the other side.

"I'm so sorry Finn. I really am. Anything I can do to help?"

"I don't have the energy right now to do this. I'm just finding it all..." We all wait for him to end his long pause. "Disappointing."

"You want me to swing by later and do the early shift?" Frankie says with a wide smile. "I don't mind."

He shakes his head. "I'm not opening today. I just want to go back to bed and deal with it later."

"Can I come see you later, at the motel?" I ask, ignoring Taylor kick a discarded soda cup Buddie's way. I can sense revenge bubbling up in the way she stares at their pristine sign front.

"Sure. Okay." Finn nods at me, then knocks his shoulder into mine. "Swing by after dinner."

"Better yet, I'll bring dinner."

"That would be better," he says and I hate how he looks up hopeful. Like seeing me again might make this day feel better somehow.

How he has no idea about Boyd and the kiss.

How much I hate myself for letting it happen and for what I know I have to do.

***

"So then he kissed me."

Finn's expression stays the same but the tone of his voice changes. "Well this day just keeps getting better."

I'm at the Motel and the sky outside is the most perfect colour and we're out on the balcony having finished the burritos I picked up for dinner, but I feel too terrible to enjoy any of it. I should be kissing him. I should be kissing Finn right now. Instead I'm confessing about my kiss with Boyd and I'm making a really poor job of it.

"Wait, he didn't force himself on you did he?" Finn's eyes bug out.

"No he didn't." A realisation registers on the furrow of his dark eyebrow. I swallow hard. "It happened so quick. I... I didn't mean to."

Finn presses his hands into his jeans. "You didn't mean to let him or kiss him back? Because I'm pretty confused about which right now."

"I know, I know." But I don't. How can I sit here and say I did kiss Boyd back without Finn wanting to ever speak to me again? "I kissed him back. But I stopped it too. I promise it meant nothing, it was just an instant reaction, that's why I'm telling you. I want to be honest with you Finn."

"I do appreciate the truth." Finn looks down. It's obvious he's tired - the dark circles under each eye have grown considerably since this morning. And I can't help but feel like I've added an inch just by confessing. "I'm not mad at you though," he adds, to my surprise.

"You're not?" My throat tightens.

He shakes his head. "Not mad just gutted. I mean, I guess I just had this silly wish of wanting to be your first..." He hesitates. "Kiss?" I shake my head. That dishonour went to Joseph Latinski in eighth grade. It was all kinds of awful. "First kiss here then in Sunset Cove," Finn finishes.

If I squeeze my eyes hard enough, I wonder if it could still come true. But I can't rewind time no matter how hard I wish for it.

"And I wish he hadn't of kissed you." Finn swallows deep and pushes some hair behind his ear. Just a gesture turns my tummy. He looks so damn handsome in the light out here. "Because it means he's got feelings for you too. That's...complicated. Like we're in some kind of bizzaro love triangle."

Did Finn just say the word love?

"I don't love Boyd," I say, as sure as I can be. "So it's not any kind of triangle. I'm pretty sure he doesn't either, trust me - Boyd's attention is like a revolving door."

Finn kind of laughs but it's hollow. He doesn't believe me, I know. "I get you've got a tangled history with Boyd Bloom. And it's none of my business really, however much I like you."

My tummy turns again. He said he likes me!

"I think maybe we should just take things easy. The skate jams coming up and there's all this stuff I have to do at Burt's," he says, and then my tummy drops. My smile must too because he quickly puts a hand on my knee. "I don't want you to think I don't have the time for you or that my feelings have changed."

I nod.

"They haven't, Sydney." His hand stays on my knee. It's really warm.

And it really is the best I could have hoped to hear. "Neither have mine. I like you Finn. A lot."

"How much?" He asks, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

I wiggle mine back. "Loads."

"Enough to help me come and scrub off some of the graffiti tomorrow evening?" Finn's hand slips off my knee. He brings both together in a prayer.

"Of course, you don't even have to ask." I really want to lean into him. Now would be perfect. At least, it would've been. But the knowledge of mine and Boyd's kiss still lingers between the gaps. It's so fresh.

It's still clearly on his mind too. "So what are you going to say to him?" Finn asks, turning to me.

I shrug, thinking out loud. "Oh I mean nothing to him. He's probably forgotten all about it. Revolving door, remember? Another girl incoming."

Finn shrugs back at me. He's staring at the bridge of my nose - twitch twitch.

***

The note I find left on my pillow back at the Bloom's is written in tiny letters but I could tell that spare chicken-scratch handwriting anywhere: Boyd.

After leaving Finn's I came back feeling wobbly about the whole 'kiss' situation and how he'd not believed me when I said Boyd only kissed me because he could and found the note. I wish it had blown away through the open window before I could. But of course it hadn't and now I'm too curious to ignore it.

So I take the note and find Marienne's old laptop in the sunroom and settle back on the bed. The laptop has ten percent battery left.

Luckily the website address isn't hard to find but it looks so dated now. The homepage is almost offensive in how clunky it is. But I still find the login even though I haven't used PenPals.Com since middle school when our English teacher Mrs. Finch set a project for the class to write letters to kids in other towns and cities.

I chose Boyd, of course. It meant I didn't have to feel super awkward about making chat with a stranger but mainly so we'd still have contact between summers. Boyd barely ever replied. If he did it'd be short answers or he'd attach rude pictures or brag about all the skate tricks he'd been perfecting.

Once or twice he'd use it to call his dad an asshole and a douchebag and I'd feel sorry for him and wish I wasn't so far away.

When the login works and I'm back in, I find the new email. It's the first one sent in over three and a half years.

To: kickpush98

From: [email protected]

Sent: 5.25am UTC

Dear Syd,

I know a handwritten note would be fancier and you'll probably think I'm just being lazy, but I'm not. I can't find a pen in the pool house or paper and I'm worried that if I try to find some inside the cottage I'll wake you. I also can't remember if you go by anymore. So better to be safe than sorry.

You seemed really mad at me tonight after we kissed. But Syd, this is the thing: I've wanted to kiss you for ages. I wanted to tell you I've wanted to kiss you for ages too. This summer's been long but it's been so much better with you in it. Like, how can I ever tell you?

I'll try - You came and went each summer, for years and then the two you didn't it was like, well I missed you. And I never miss anyone. I guess it was meant to tell me something important but I was too stubborn and stupid to let it. Then this summer rolled round and you were back.

I'm sorry if kissing you makes everything complicated. Your dad will probably kill me. I think my mom might too because it changes things, doesn't it?

But I don't regret it. I wish I'd done it sooner.

You'll probably say I'm high writing this, Syd. Guess what? I am! But I also know that when I'm not I feel just the same about you.

I like you Syd. I mean, I think it's more than that.

I hope, maybe you do too?

Love, Boyd x