I had a hundred reasons to kill myself; I had double that in reasons to stay.

A year ago, all that had kept me hanging on by a very thin rope was the beautiful, innocent gaze of my three year old brother as he stared up at me in adoration. He would always be my number one reason to keep going, when the nights were rough and their seemed to be no end in sight or a light in the dark abyss that was my head, I looked to him. I reminded myself of how devastated I had been-how devastated I still am-over my father's decision to take his life. Xavier's life had already been altered a ton; from his older brother being thrown in prison, to his father and my mother arguing on the daily, he always came to me whenever I was home. Which nowadays was much more often.

April, though I hardly saw her anymore, remained a constant in my life from afar. She was staying with Gage's grandparents-his grandmother being a doctor had father an RN had offered to try and help her both mentally and physically as best to their ability along with her therapy and support group. Gage and me still sat outside the school in the mornings, lunch, and after the last bell, but we'd both luckily caught up, as hard as it'd been to do loads upon loads of homework.

Prom hung in the air for over a month before the actual dance. Natalie and Shawn would text me here and there, but my ex best friend seemed to understand her place in my life wasn't what it'd been a couple years ago. The only positive I'd seen in Prom in general was that I was going to be able to see April for longer than an hour, as we were able to speak with the admin and they'd allowed it. The idea of wearing a dress didn't horrify me until I was actually standing in it staring at my reflection in the mirror.

Nat and I had dreamt of this moment since we were in grade school. But there was nothing fantastical or happy about the girl that stared back at me. I'd done a little more to my hair than it's usual messy updo, but straightening it revealed just how much it'd grown. It stopped at the small of my back, the darkness a contrast against the white gown that hugged me. Though I hadn't thought they existed, my curves remained, even if they were a little less defined then they had been. Luckily I'd been able to talk Nat into letting me get a floor length dress with sleeves, even if they were lace, it still didn't give anyone the chance to see the scars that lined my skin.

April was beside Natalie in front of Nat's old vanity, a mess of old hair product, makeup, and our purses. Nat had curled April's hair so it framed her face a little better, her makeup adding on a few pounds and making April's already prominent cheekbones even more sharp.

Natalie herself was in a black dress that stopped just under her knees, hair in a French braid down her back, and face only having few hints of makeup to enhance her already acute features.

"We should get going." Natalie whispered, not wanting to startle April and me, who'd both been lost in thought. "Shawn's up front. I think he said Gage just drove up too."

I nodded, and touched a comforting hand to April's shoulder as she stood and looked after Natalie with a sad look. She leaned over and rested her head against my shoulder, and after a moment I did the same, and whispered, "It's going to be okay."

*

Though I'd seen Gage dressed up before, something about him tonight through off an entirely different aura. Maybe it was because he was sober now, because there wasn't dark bags under his eyes or red lining them. The white tux perfectly contrasted off his olive skin and dark hair, his eyes looking more gold then I'd ever seen them under the dimly lit fairy lights dangling from the ceiling. Nat had dragged April to dance, much to her apprehension.

"You good?" Gage whispered, catching my eye over his water bottle. "You want to dance?"

As if on cue, a slow song started playing and I glanced back to the dance floor couples were starting to fill. "Sure."

Setting the water bottle on the table, he took my hand in his own and led me to the dance floor. I started to relax a little once my head was against his chest and I was able to breathe for the first time all night, feeling as though the wandering eyes had finally found another victim.

"Can't believe this is it." Gage whispered against my hair. "We graduate in a couple months. High school has been. . . hell. It's been a fucking shitshow."

I didn't respond, but whole-heartedly agreed. I'd kiss the stage the second I walked across it and was able to say that despite all the shit I'd been through that I had still done it. Finished high school, graduated, and would never, ever come back to this hell once I was gone.

"I wish we met under different circumstances." Gage continued. "I wish that we weren't both so screwed up."

I lifted my head and touched my palm to his cheek. "I don't. Because you're the only person I've met that truly understands me. I don't. . . I don't think without the crap we've both lived through that we'd understand one another so well. We're stronger now."

"Sometimes it doesn't feel like it." he breathed softly. "Sometimes I feel so hopeless, useless, worthless."

"Me too." I confessed. "But we can't let that define us, Gage. You heard Dr. Chao. We are more than what happened to us. Those are just things that shaped us, but we get to choose who we are and where we go from here."

He let out a shaky breath and hugged me against him. "I'm not good at all this shit, obviously. The relationship, the feelings, all of it. I. . . it freaks me the hell out."

"I'm not either." I assured him. "I think we can just learn as we go. That's what's great about this being a relationship between you and me and not everyone else, we get to decide when we're ready for the next step."

"Someone like me doesn't deserve you, Marley." He choked, barely audible. "You deserve the Goddamn universe and I can't even give you myself."

"I don't want anyone else, Gage. I want you."

The next words caught me off guard. "For how long?"

"I. . . I don't know. I want to say forever, but for people like us, what is forever?" I eventually mustered enough courage to answer.

"I'm sorry, for everything." He touched his knuckle to my cheek. "For all this shit. For the crap I put you through. For what Louis did. For the scars he's going to leave for the rest of your life. I wish I could take it all."

I shook my head against his hand. "I'll be okay, Gage."

"I know you will."

"You'll be okay too. So will April." I hoped I sounded confident enough for him to listen.

He pressed his lips against my forehead and whispered. "You're right. One day. . . one day we'll be okay. That day just isn't today."

**

Though Gage had asked me to spend the night at his house, I felt the need to be home tonight, especially after our conversation. I hoped Alyssa would be able to comfort him in the ways he needed, that only a mother could do. Because sitting with my mother at the end of my bed, I watched her just sit and cry. I wasn't sure what she was crying about; maybe it was an argument I'd missed between her and Rodger, or possibly what Louis had done and her guilt, or maybe, maybe she was allowing herself to remember Dad for once. To reminisce about the man she'd loved so much that she'd lost herself trying to save.

"I. . . I'm so happy you're here." Mom said through a fresh wave of tears. "I'm happy I got to see you dressed up, with you friends, your boyfriend. I'm glad you're here, baby girl. And I'm so so sorry that your father isn't here to see how beautiful of a woman you've become."

I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror across the room. "I look like a clown right now, Mom. Or a street mime."

"I'm not talking about externally-though you're gorgeous on the outside as well." She touched her hand to my chest. "I'm talking about the beautiful soul you have. The one that was tormented and beaten and bruised, but still managed to keep going, even after giving up felt like the only good option. The selfless soul who made sure her friends were okay even when she was falling apart herself. You are a great person, Mar. A beautiful person. I am honored to have you as my daughter."

I leaned over and rested my head against her chest, feeling as though I were back in her arms after she'd found Dad years ago, both of us sobbing silently, not wanting to burden the other with our tears and uncontrollable emotions. She raked her fingers through my hair, hugging me against her with the other hand. After a few minutes of silence, Xavier zoomed into the room, but when he saw us, he frowned before he climbed up on to the bed an curled up between us, resting his little head against my chest and squeezing mom's hand.

"It's okay." He promised Mom and me, so convincing that both of us smiled through our tears and tackled him with tickles. We laughed until we cried tears of joy, until Mom finally carried Xavier to the bathroom down the hall to bathe him. I flipped my mirror around and grabbed my phone from my dresser before laying down on my bed. Gage had sent a few sadistic memes to the group chat we shared with April, Nat, and Shawn, and everyone was talking back and forth in good spirits. As if he could sense me on the other end, his face lit up my screen and I answered the call.

"Hey." he was on his bed, one of his arms under his head, the other holding his phone away from him, but tiredness, or possibly weed, was making it so his eyes were barely open. "You look like you're in a good mood."

"I'm actually surprisingly ok right now." I responded.

"I'm exhausted and Mom wants me up at six tomorrow to help her move in a new sofa." he rolled his eyes for effect. "As if this woman couldn't stare the men at the furniture store into doing it for free."

I smiled a little at that. "Alyssa is sweet."

"You haven't been on my mother's bad side." he said, completely serious. "Just ask my dad."

I set my phone on the bed and laid my head against a pillow.

"I miss you." he eventually said, eyes a little more open.

"It's been like three hours, Gage." I was only half joking. Truth was, I missed him too. I missed having him beside me. Knowing that when I woke up that he'd be there to fight off anyone or anything that were going to hurt me. Being here, back at home, alone, a part of me was still on edge, always anticipating Louis stepping into the room and striking again. "We'll see each other tomorrow night."

He chuckled quietly. "I know. I'm going to crash early tonight. I love you. If you need anything just call."

"I love you too."

I watched the screen fade to black before I flipped my phone over and let out a long, heavy sigh. Staring up at the ceiling, I finally understood what Dr. Chao had been trying to say through countless sessions over the last six months. A little of what April and Gage said lingered there too.

A year ago I had thought there was no other option outside of taking my life. I'd release my mother of her burdens, and I'd be with my dad again. I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. All the torment, the pain, the hurt, the fear of having to face the monster lurking around every corner, would be gone. I thought it was over.

The truth was far from it. I had found little pieces of my old self over the last few months, pieces I hadn't seen since Dad died six years ago. I found that I wanted to stay here and help April, help Gage, protect my baby brother, to remain my mother's shoulder to lean on when she finally broke under all the pressure.

This isn't the end. It never has been. This was the beginning of a new chapter, and I was going to have to hope that April was right and the only way to go from here was up.