Any hope that I would get better, that all the pain, all the voices, would fade, was lost. I spent the next two weeks standing outside first period with my mother and leaving campus as soon as she was out of sight. Some days I went and sat with Gage, but he'd been pretty quiet since my episode at the park. And on some of those days, when all I needed was his wise words and jokes as a distraction, he acted as though he were in the same mindset as the rest of our peers; walking on eggshells afraid that anything, and everything, might trigger another mental breakdown. On the days I couldn't stand the silence between us, I'd trudge up the hill and just wander aimlessly down the streets, clenching and unclenching my fists until they started to hurt and my mind drifted to the pain for a while.

Sitting in therapy with Dr. Chao at are session, I could think of a hundred other places I'd rather be. But unlike school, there were eyes everywhere in this building and these sessions were the only thing keeping me from being tossed back into an institution.

"How have you been?" she asks now, forcing me back into reality. I tucked my knees under my butt and avoided eye contact, hoping she'd sit in silence as she had the last few sessions. "Are you okay, Marlene?"

"Marley." I corrected then instantly regretted it. Two weeks of meetings and this was the first time I'd uttered a single word to her. She sat upright, taking it as a win and typed something quickly on her small Mac teetering on the arm of her recliner.

"Okay, Marley." she said with a forced smile, "How have you been doing?"

I dug my fingers into the side of my leg. "I don't want to be here."

"At this appointment?"

"Alive."

The room seemed to have dropped ten degrees as the words sat in the air between us. The smile had faltered as soon as I opened my mouth, but she quickly regained her composure and continued typing, continuing on with her prompt of questions.

"Have the thoughts returned?" she asked.

"They never left." I was shocked by how honest I was being, but it was when I came to the realization that all of this would be repeated back to my mother than I retreated back into my shell.

"Your mother said you've been having a hard time at home." she decided to redirect the topic as soon as she saw my expression change. "Is this just you having a hard time readjusting or is it something more?"

When I only sat and stared at the ugly multicolored rug under her black boots, she came to the outstanding conclusion I was no longer going to let her in.

"I'm not here to judge you, Marley. I'm your friend. Anything you say stays between us."

Bullshit.

"I'm here for you."

I leaned back into the couch, keeping my eyes trained everywhere in the room but the psychologist trying to play head games with me. The lavender wallpaper with white accents to match the curtains drawn over the window in the far corner of the room. The loose threads undoing themselves on the arm of the chair beneath her laptop. She finally put the PHD to good use and shut her computer, and for a moment I thought the session was over and I'd be able to slip right out, and maybe even skip support group tonight. Except the tiny, stern faced woman crossed the room to where I sat and lowered herself on to the cushion beside me, smoothing out her black blazer so it didn't wrinkle.

"I tried to take my own life twice when I was your age." my head whipped in her direction, my lips parted, but nothing breaking passed them. "As a child, I had very short hair and my family was very poor. The food my mother was able to afford always had me smelling weird. I was told constantly to go back to my home country. I was born and raised here in America."

She rubbed the heels of her palms up and down her thighs as she continued. "At thirteen, my mother was super strict, so she didn't want me dating or even thinking about boys. And I should have listened, but I didn't and I got with the boy at the end of the street. Not even a week later, rumors were spread about me at school. I tried to take my life for the first time on my fourteenth birthday but my mother found me and called the paramedics. The second time I was in high school, a senior just like you, and I was asked to the dance by the most attractive guy in school. I should have known it was too good to be true. I'll assume you've seen the movie Carrie?"

I could feel my eyes widen a fraction as I knew how this story was going to end.

"Well, I was drenched in fake blood in the beautiful dress my mother had sat for month sewing and tailoring for me. I tried to kill myself again that night, and I did die for a few minutes, and during that time I saw my NaiNai and waking up, I realized that I didn't truly want to die. I still had an entire life ahead me, and nobody had the power to decide how I lived it."

She reached out and touched the top of my hand. "Marley, it was hard. I will not sit here and tell you one day I magically got out of bed and decided I was going to go to med school and get my PHD. It was horrible. I had as many bad days as I did good, but on those days I would pull out my journal and I'd write down everything I did have to live for, however small it was. I would write down everything I loved. And sure, that list of everything I hated, on every reason why I shouldn't be here was a mile long, but all those little things I learned to love again? It outweighed that horrible list."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Chao."

The smile that touched at her lips this time was extremely sad and bitter, but it was real.

"Don't apologize. I look back and now I understand that all that I went through shaped me into who I am today." she answered. "But I do want to know. Is there anyone or anything in your life you may be able to use to start a list of your own?"

"Xavier." My brothers name slipped out without me even filtering the thought. "My little brother."

That made her smile grow wider. "Okay. Well, the exercise I want you to do this week is list both things for me. Reasons why you don't want to be here and on the other side reasons you do. It's okay if one side is longer than the other. Can you do that?"

I nodded slowly and stood as soon as she did, watching her head for the door at the other end of the room. It was as she smiled after me, a smile that definitely didn't come near touching her eyes, that I considered that I may have misjudged her. Maybe she was truly trying to help us, maybe for her it was deeper than just a hefty paycheck.

*

As soon as I sat down in one of the empty chairs, I knew Gage was going to be a no show. He'd been there every time I'd arrived, almost waiting as if he were there to greet me, so finding a seat beside April, I couldn't help but stare at the empty seat to my right. He hadn't missed a meet, but he had seemed a little off lately, and it's possible I was being selfish and thinking that it was all because of me and what happened. He probably had his own issues to deal with at home.

"Hey, Marley, right?" April said shyly, tucking a blonde lock behind her ear.

I lifted a hand in a half wave. "Yeah, April, right?"

"Yes." She tried to break the awkward silence further and pointed toward Gage's vacant seat. "Looks like Mav is a no show."

"Mav?" I repeated, confused. "You mean Gage?"

She scratched at her wrist nervously. "No, I'm pretty sure he told me his name is Maverick."

I stared at the empty chair in surprise, and almost as if our discussion had summoned him, my phone vibrated on my leg. I flipped it over and found a text from the person of interest.

Gage: wanna chill at my place tn?

My fingers lingered over the keyboard, ready to ask him what was up with the different names, but decided to not answer at all and placed my phone face down on my thigh again.

"This is going to sound weird, and I'm not good at this social stuff, especially with girls, but do you maybe want to go to the mall after this?"

Genuinely taken back by the question, it took me a few minutes to think up a response. Anything beat having to sit in my bedroom and stare at my bedroom door, listening for every little sound, awaiting the second Louis decided to make his attack.

"Yeah." I eventually said, then cleared my throat and said louder. "That sounds great."

*

It must have looked strange to an onlooker, two teenage girls in hoodies in the middle of August, hoods over our heads to keep unwanted eyes from sizing us up. Like me, it was obvious that there were many scars, both visible and not, that April was trying to cover up. She kept a step behind me, a slight bounce in it, as if ready to take off running given a reason. I slowed to a stop outside of a salon and she joined a few seconds later, a weak half smile tugging at the right side of her mouth.

"They're so beautiful." she gestures toward the women inside getting their hair done as they gossiped with the hairdresser. "I mean, you are too, but I. . . I'll just shut up before I make this worse."

Her cheeks tinted pink as she dropped her head and started to shift on her feet. I tried to rack my own brain for the right thing to say, but all that came out was the very cliché answer of, "You're beautiful too."

Luckily another buzz of my phone cut through the monotony and I pulled it out to find another text from Gage.

Ya?

April leaned forward and smiles a little. "What's he asking?"

"If I wanna chill." I answered honestly.

She nudges me playfully. "Chill huh?"

It took a lot longer than it should have to catch the drift of what she was insinuating.

"Oh, no no. It's not like that. We're just friends." It came out much harsher than I'd wanted and she looked away, probably feeling as though she'd crossed a line. To make her feel better, I added, "Sorry, that came out really wrong."

"No, it's fine." she whispered. "I shouldn't have overstepped."

We continued toward the food court, but she started to scan the room. "Do you know where the bathroom is here?"

I felt my stomach churn as I stared at her. I had a pretty good idea why she was asking and it made my heart ache for her.

"Yeah, I can show you if you want." I started to lead her to the other side of the food court until we reached the small corner where the bathrooms were located. "Do you want me to come with you?"

She smiled and waved me off. "No, no it's fine. Just need to pee. I'll be right back!"

I watched her, slumping back against the wall in sadness. Looking back at my phone, I thought about Gage's question. It was likely I wouldn't be going home after this regardless, why not take him up and have company, even if it was just sitting and smoking within a word spoken between us. Quickly responding, I looked up as the door opened and April stepped back out, wiping at the outer corners of her chapped lips. I shut my screen off and said,

"I was wondering if it was too much out of your way to drop me off at Gage's? He only lives a few blocks from my house."

The words hung between us for a few minutes before she returned to her normal passive self.

"No, it's not a problem."

"Maybe you can join us?" I offered, but she only started walking slowly in front of me.

It wasn't until we were in front of the automatic doors that she finally casted a small smile in my direction and said,

"Yeah, maybe."