Because of the steps needed to be taken during his rehabilitation process, I wasn't able to visit Gage until he was through his detox, or in our case, at the ending of it. Alyssa had been going back and forth between cities for a couple weeks, always ensuring to give me an updated summary of his progress. She also almost always came back with a charcoal or pastel abstract drawing that he'd done for me and asked I give her letters whenever she left to see him again.

But today I was finally able to go and visit him. Today, I'd be able to escape this town and the monster that lurked within it, even if only for a few hours. Alyssa was most definitely on edge the entire ride, as she kept tapping her fingers along the steering wheel and talking a million miles per hour about things that had no relevance to Gage or herself. When we finally pulled up to the facility, a part of me had thought it'd be some gothic prison with no windows.

In reality it was a modern building that, without the sign greeting us at gate, I would have never thought was a rehab center. The one I'd spent six months at had been some run down, old place with nurses with attitudes as bad as the inhabitants.

"Just. . . I need you to be prepared. For outbursts. For him in general. He's on edge and he won't look or act like my son." Alyssa warned as a petite blonde nurse led us back into common room. Though Alyssa had warned he may not look the same, my eyes found Gage immediately. He was sitting at a table in the middle of the room. He'd lost weight, which shouldn't have surprised me, but even from afar I could see how much his eyes had sunken into his face, his bloodied lips chapped, and when he lifted his eyes from the black tablecloth and across the room to where we stood, my heart sunk.

There was nothing in those eyes except pain. Agony. He looked as though he were trying his best keep an emotionless front up, but I knew him well enough to be able to see beyond it.

"Gage, honey, how are you feeling?" Alyssa asked as we approached, touching a hand to his shoulder. He deflated under her touch and shrugged. Feeling my eyes on them, Alyssa looked to me and said, "He's been pretty quiet. Doesn't talk much."

I found that hard to believe; my Gage couldn't keep his mouth shut. It'd been one of the reasons I'd felt so connected to him, because he would fill the silence between us with his own comforting, though mildly sadistic, words. As if he were just realizing I were there, his eyes widened a fraction as he looked passed his mother. The moment he stood, one of the guards by the door straightened, his eyes trained on Gage as if he thought he were going to harm his mother or me.

"Hey." I whispered, not able to move from where I stood behind Alyssa. He pushed passed his mother and stopped in front of me. For a while he just stared at me, as if he were unsure whether I was real or a withdraw induced hallucination. Then slowly he snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me into his warm embrace.

I hadn't realized just how much I'd missed this, missed him; it was as if the month he'd been gone, the darkness inside of me had reached a standstill. It neither got worse or better, but soaking in his familiar embrace, the feeling of his chin against the top of my head, I felt a warmth spread through my chest I hadn't in over a year.

"Are you really here?" he whispered into my hair, then lifted his head and looked back at Alyssa over his shoulder. "You can see her too, right?"

The sadness in her eyes was enough for me to flinch, but she nodded slowly and a small, sad smile stretched across her face. It was a mirror of Gage's. "Yes, honey, I can see her."

He returned his gaze back to me and raked his fingers through my hair, tucking a strand behind my ear, but left his palm against my cheek.

"I'm so sorry." he breathed so softly I was sure his mom couldn't hear it. "I'm so fucking sorry, Marley."

I shook my head and touched my hand to the top of his. "I just wish you would have said something. Told me what was going on."

"You shouldn't have had to see that. To live through it." he shut his eyes for a second, as if trying to recollect himself, before whispering, "I'm so sorry."

I didn't respond this time with words, but gently pried his hand from my face and rested the cheek against his chest, tangling my arms around his torso. He continued to whisper apologetically into my hair, but I just let it become a steady rhythm with his heartbeat.

"I'm so sorry, I love you."

I wasn't sure if the last three words were a slip or not, but I only tightened my arms around him and allowed tears to silently flow down my cheeks, hating the very thought of letting go.

*

As I sat with Gage's head across my lap, I suddenly felt a wave of guilt. Not for him, but for my mother. The mother who'd sat with her arms around me for over thirty minutes before she allowed the Institutions nurses to take me back. The mother who'd sat for six months wondering, questioning, where she had gone wrong. Had my suicide attempt been her fault? Was I hurting from Dad? Or was it something worse? I had seen the look in her eyes when I was taken back, a hope shining in them, that I wouldn't follow the inevitable path my father had went down.

Sitting here, watching the clock over Alyssa's head slowly tick our time away, I realized how much I didn't want to go, or more specifically, leave Gage. Though he hadn't said much since his quiet slip of a confession, he'd taken temporary residency across my lap and listened to my talk about what'd been going on since he'd left.

April and her hospitalization; my mother and my own confession. Louis still walking the halls as if nothing had happened. I could see in both Alyssa and Gage that they were questioning why my mother hadn't said or done anything, but I understood exactly why.

She was afraid.

She was afraid if she spoke to him herself, he'd retaliate by either attacking her or coming after me once more, and knowing my mother, I knew she was more in fear of the latter. She was also afraid that she'd be watching her perfect little life come crashing down the same way Mayor Griffin's had a month ago. Because this was sure to cause a divide between Rodger and her, even if he had acted as though he were on my side the last couple months, I knew that he'd always stand behind his son the same way my mother would stand behind me. I just prayed that if she were to say anything, that she'd be in public or have police standing outside Louis' door because I couldn't fathom that piece of shit hurting my mother the same way he had me.

"Your cutting," Gage whispered now, barely audible. Alyssa had stepped out to take a phone call, likely one from his father by the scowl that immediately took place of the concern as soon as she saw the caller ID, "you stopped, right?"

There was such a hopeful tone in his voice I wanted to lie through my teeth. I knew the bigger question he was hinting at.

Did he cause me to inflict more damage both mentally and physically.

"That night, the night I confessed to my mom, she took the knife and stopped me. I haven't cut since." I answered, but slowly added, "But I do still dig my nails into the fresher wounds so the pain overpowers my thoughts. I just. . . sometimes I want to, Gage. So bad. Because I feel helpless. Like I can't help you. I can't help April. I can't even protect myself, why would I be able to help my friends?"

He rested his hand on top of my leg and glanced up at me, and for a moment his eyes shined the same beautiful amber that had whenever he was comforting April or me. "But you have helped us, Mar. More than you even realize. You saved April's life, hell, you probably saved mine by shouting so my parents knew where to find you. I know how you feel, I know the urges are so strong that sometimes you would rather just do it and release the pain and anger from its cage, but you can't. Do you hear me? I told you months ago that you were stronger than April and me, that you would get through this. And you are. The step you've taken in confiding in your Mom is huge, Mar. Right now you need to just breathe. You can't control everything, you can't protect everyone. You need to worry about protecting yourself and that's it."

"What about April?" I croaked. "What about you?"

He made a gesture with his hand around us. "I'm as safe from myself as I'm ever going to be right now, Marley. April's going to be okay too. She has you, she has my mom, she has Dr. Chao, and Mom said she's going to try and see if there may be a place like this for April."

"I don't want to leave." I reached up to wipe the tears that finally broke free. "I don't want to go back there. To that hell."

"I don't want you to go either." he stretched his hand out and brushed his thumb under my eye to catch my tears. "But you have to. You have to go and prove to that piece of shit that he didn't break you. That you've still got the fight inside of you. I know some days it'll be harder than others, trust me, but you are a force, Marley."

As Alyssa approached us again, she nodded in my direction, a silent cue that visitation was over we had to hit the road. Gage must have seen it too because he sat up and slipped off the couch and stood to face his mother. She immediately cradled him against her, and for a moment he appeared as no more than the broken, scared fifteen-year-old boy that was about to put a bullet through his head. I knew she saw it too, because she clutched him tighter a second later and whispered something into his ear. I tried to compose myself, but the second Gage pulled away from his mother with tear-stained cheeks, my tears started rolling once more. He crossed the small distance between us and hugged me the same way his mother had, as if I were the one who was in desperate need of comforting.

"You're going to be okay." he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine. "You are going to get through this. It's just. . . a process. You've got to get through this hell in order to reach Heaven. You can't stop. You can't relapse. Because at the other end of this, however far it may seem now, there's a light and happiness waiting for you."

"When did you become so philosophical?" I said through a smile.

His lips twitched. "I always have been."

"Earlier you said—"

"I love you." he finished for me, "I did. I don't know what love is, not outside of my mother, but I think what I feel for you is the closest I'll ever come."

I buried my face against his chest again at that, tears soaking into his long plain white shirt. "I love you too."

He waited for a few seconds before pulling away and slowly he kissed me, as if he were afraid not only of how I'd respond, but how his own body would. Nothing happened except more tears on my end as Alyssa cleared her throat with a sad expression. One of the nurses approached and touched her hand to Gage's bicep, nodding. Then he was gone; out the door and out of sight. Alyssa reached out and squeezed my shoulder as soon as she fell into the vacant spot her son had been moments prior.