You ever sink under the water in a pool and wonder what it may feel like if you never go back up for air?

My entire life has felt as if I was under some mysterious fucking hand being submerged under water, and every time I tried to come up for air, they pushed me further down.

That was before Marley; before I understood what it was like to love someone outside of yourself. Before those big, beautiful eyes stared up at me, begging and pleading for comfort I couldn't provide her. She acted as if I were this. . . this God. Like I couldn't do any wrong, and when I did, I couldn't stand the look her in the eyes and see the disappointment. Because I'd spent my whole fucking life being just that. A disappointment.

I was never my father's image of the perfect son; but he had his piece of shit brother to thank for that.

"Maverick." my father says now, far more interested in the nurse bent over tending to one of the patients a few feet away. He wasn't even discreet about it, he drummed his fingers against the table and leaned back, craning his neck a fraction to try and get a good look at what was under the short skirt. "Your mother says you're doing better."

I propped my chin up against my hand, watching him continue to eye rape the poor nurse. "Mhm."

The fact that he was even here wasn't a good sign. I'd been here close to two months and he hasn't as much as passed along a message to Mom for me. It'd just been my mother lying through her teeth about him "missing me" and hoping I get better soon. By his lack of interest in the conversation, it was safe to say he couldn't have given less of a shit if this attempt had been successful either.

"Mav, seriously, kid, come on." he finally tore his eyes from the nurse and met my own. "This shit isn't just about you anymore. You have your mother and me. And your girlfriend. Now you have her to think about. What you do to her was so incredibly selfish. Especially with all that she's going through right now."

I clenched my hand into a tight fist and nearly tasted my anger. "You don't get to say shit about Marley."

"She is about to stand on trail against her stepbrother." Dad said, as if it would lessen the blow he was about to receive. "They arrested him a couple weeks ago. Kid doesn't have a chance in hell. I don't even know why they're making her stand up there."

What? Why the hell hadn't Mom told me about this last weekend?

"She needs you, whether you want to accept that or not, kid." Dad continued, slapping his hand flat against the table between us. "Do you love her?"

I slumped back in my seat, crossing my arms over my chest and looking away.

The only thing that had gotten me through all this detox shit had been the thought of Marley. The thought of getting out of here and holding her again; this time for longer than an hour. I missed her more than I'd allow myself to show. I never thought it'd be possible for me to see past all the shit Mason had put me through, the fear and disgust. But with Marley, it felt right. It felt okay. She was as fucked up as I was, and as much against any intimacy as I was.

"Maverick, do you love her?"

"Why do you even care?" I spat. "It's not like you even know what love is. All you've ever done is drag Mom through hell and back in order to maintain your reputation. You didn't give a shit about cheating, about the nights she just laid their crying herself to sleep wondering why she wasn't enough for you."

My father retreated back into himself, leaning back in his own chair and eying me down with an almost sympathetic look that had me ready to throw myself across the small table and strangle him.

"I loved your mother. I still do." he whispered. "But she has been and always will be too good for me, Mav. She's this. . . this unattainable woman that I never deserved. Beautiful, inside and out. She brought so much light into my life during my darkest time, and I took advantage of that heart."

"You sure fucking did."

He sighed, as if my retort was irritating him. Good.

"I love you too." he said, then held his hand up when I opened mind to make a snide remark. "I promised myself when your mother told me she was pregnant with you that I would never become my father; condescending, perfectionist, emotionally abusive. But here we are, the cycle continued. History repeating itself. And I'm sorry. I didn't know you were suffering, I never imagined my own brother would do that to my child."

Some people would have thought this was a sweet, sentimental moment. But I wanted no more than for him to leave never come back into my fucking life. He'd lost all my respect and love years ago, I'd stopped trying to reach his expectations in order to be worthy of his love.

"If you're ready, you know I can sign you out of here at any time." he stated and realization struck.

That was why he was here. Because he wanted to bail me out; not because he gave a shit about my mental health and well being-because it was putting a damper on his campaign and reputation having me locked away in here.

"Fuck you." I said through my teeth. "Get out of here."

"Maverick—"

I stood, feeling the eyes of a few of the nurses and guards fall on me. I couldn't blame them. I'd been hell to deal with when they'd brought me in, and even worse when I'd been struggling with the withdraws.

"Mav, son, please—"

I turned so I was only partially facing him, but made sure to look him dead in the eye as I responded. "I'm only going to say this to you once. Fuck off. I do not want your money. I do not want your fake love. I do not want you in my fucking life, Dad. All you've ever done is cause damage to Mom and me. So please, do us both of a favor and go fuck yourself."

One of the nurses touched her hand to my forearm gently, and rather than fight her, I allowed her to lead me out of the room and out of sight.

*

I'd never understood the logic in putting a person that struggles with mental illness or suicide ideation in a secluded room with nothing to do but sit and succumb to their thoughts. Fortunately for me, I'd learned through our meetings that the best thing to do was shift your train of thought as soon as it started to brush the outer edges of the danger zone. I couldn't help but toss and turn and think about what my dad had said about Marley.

She was going to be standing in that court room, in front of dozens of people, having to relive the horror, possibly even watch it being broadcast to their jury. She had looked ready to start crying when she'd told me she'd confessed to her mother a few weeks ago. All I'd wanted was to take the tears away, the pain, and hold her. Hold her until she was okay, if she ever was.

After spending my entire childhood watching my parents sad attempt at maintaining their marriage for the media, I'd thought love was nothing but an act put on. When Mason had started to molest me, it'd only confirmed the suspicions that there wasn't such thing as love.

The truth was that love was very real, it was intoxicating, the best and most lethal drug. I had never craved any drug as much as I craved having Marley in my arms, her head pressed against my chest and breathing her in. She had filled a massive hole in my chest that just sat there vacant and cold laying in this claustrophobic little room. Part of me, of course, knew that Marley deserved better, that she needed better, than me. That had been one of the reasons I'd finally decided to try and end it all again. Because I couldn't stop the monster that sleeps inside of me, a darkness, that doesn't believe I deserve to have love, to be happy, to be normal. She has been through as much hell as I have, and I knew that some day she'd eventually outgrow me. She'd slowly get better, her wounds would seal themselves shut, even if the scars would remain. She would want to seek out someone who could make her unconditionally happy; not some fucked up druggie with no future in sight.

"I love you too." she'd said it with so much sincerity, I truly did believe she meant it. But the real question remained;

For how long?

How long would she love me before she realized that I wasn't who she needed? I wanted to, I really fucking did, but it'd take years and years of therapy and a life full of lack of intimacy for her and she didn't deserve that.

"I love you." I breathed into the dark room, and now that I was alone and wouldn't be disturbed for a few hours, I allowed myself to breathe and the tears that had stung my eyes when fighting with my father to escape. "I know you can't hear me and I don't know when the hell I'd get out of here, but I'm with you, Mar. Now, tomorrow, forever."