The pastels canvasing the sky melted behind the horizon as I parked the car outside of the chapel. Hundreds of cars lined either side of my own; it was a safe assumption that the entire town was here. Dr. Chao had made an impact on everyone's life in one way or another; she'd most definitely left a lasting impact on mine. I couldn't bring myself to step out of the car, not with the knowledge that April and my fiancé would be blubbering messes. Marley had been inconsolable all morning; I'd held her for hours before she'd decided she was going to take her own car and meet me at the service. I knew she'd made that decision because she wanted to pick up April on her own, but it still kind of hurt. Though I did a better job concealing my emotions, I was hurting too. The psychologist had been as much a part of my life and my progress at a semi-normal future as either of the girls.

Finally shaking myself from my thoughts, I tore my keys from the ignition and forced myself to the doors. Slipping in, my eyes scanned the crowded pews for Marley and April. I finally spotted April's mess of blonde curls in one of the pews closest to the pastor speaking with Dr. Chao's husband. I wiped my sweaty palms against my slacks and approached the girls.

"Gage." April greeted with a short nod, blue eyes wide and glassy with fresh tears. It was seeing her, after close to six year of friendship, that I finally had to close my eyes and inhale deeply to keep my composure.

Dr. Chao had helped April beyond comprehension. She was no longer the frail skin and bones, teenage girl. She'd managed a breakthrough three years into living with Gran and Gramps, and she'd started to gain weight. Though it wasn't much, and she still constantly asked Marley if she looked fat in something, she looked so much healthier-and happier. She'd met a guy late last year and they'd been dating since, though I'd promised to kill him if he as much as looked at her the wrong way.

"I can't believe she's gone." Marley muttered, wrapping her arms around me. "How sick it is to attempt suicide three times, and have something like cancer take your life in the end."

I nodded in agreement and kissed her head, but the agonizing twist in my gut intensified hearing her words. I had always thought of suicide ideation as a cancer of a sort. It was always there, even if not at the forefront of your mind and thoughts, waiting for it's chance to make it's attack.

"She wouldn't want us crying." April pointed out through a sniffle. "You know, Dr. Chao. She'd have some wise words to assure us that we'd be okay without her."

"You're right." I agreed. "She saved our lives, and the best way to honor her is to celebrate the life she had and those she helped, not grieve her death."

*

We spent that night at my Moms. She'd recently had her boyfriend of two years, Calvin, move in with her, but had promised Marley and I were always welcome. After the last few days, I knew that Marley would benefit from being with my mother; she'd always found comfort in my helicopter parent.

I stood in the kitchen with a beer, watching Marley and my mother talk. There was still a part of me that felt this was all some lucid dream. That at any given second I'd wake up and be in a padded white room in a straight jacket rocking back and forth. I didn't deserve this life; I didn't deserve Marley. Close to seven years and I was still waiting for the day to come; a ticking time bomb I knew would eventually detonate. But it never did, and each day I woke up to find her smiling next to me, I felt a pressure lift from my chest little by little.

I still felt that she deserved more. She deserved intimacy outside of kissing and hand holding. We'd had sex twice in six and a half years, and she'd acted as though it didn't bother her. She promised she was going anywhere, that she'd remain until I overcame my own trauma. But with my trauma was my demons battling the angels in an attempt to pull me back down again. To convince me that I wasn't worthy of any of this. The darkness inside of me waited for my insecurities to rise so it could feed, and when that happened, I was consumed.

"Maverick." My mother's voice was clipped with worry, and when I looked toward her, I realized it was likely she'd been saying my name for a while now. "Are you okay, honey?"

"Fine, Mom." I replied, taking another swig from the beer. "Walking on rainbows over here."

Marley's expression crumbled. "Gage—"

"I just. . . I need some space." I tossed the bottle in the recycling bin on my way out of the kitchen and to my old room.

I had expected my mother to move all my stuff to storage at some point and remodel the space into the exercise room she'd always wanted. But she hadn't touched a thing. Every time I came back here, my room was exactly the way I'd left it after graduation six years ago. I looked to my bed now, at where Marley had sat the first time she'd been in this room. The look in her eyes so torn, so broken, so empty. She had been so far gone I had thought it'd be impossible to pull her back into herself. I thought she'd slip through everyone's grasp and would be the next news headline and have parents breathing down their teens necks to ensure they weren't part of the rising suicide epidemic.

But there'd been something in her eyes that night, I'd seen it flickering like the wick of a candle in a dark tunnel, this slightest of hope that she would be okay. And I'd grasped on to it and made sure that the hope only continued to grow.

I knew there was no coming back from the shit I'd gone through. But if there was even the least bit of a chance that she could, then I'd do everything in my power to help her.

"Mav, honey, are you alright?"

Surprised, I turned to find my mother in the doorway, eying me at the foot of my bed in concern. I had thought Marley would be the one to come after me.

"Honey, just because you're a grown man doesn't mean you can't still talk to me." she edged closer. "I'm still your mother, you're still my baby, no matter how old you are."

I swallowed the knot forming in my throat and forced out, "I'm okay."

"You don't have to be afraid to ask for help." she squeezed my shoulder as she moved to stand in front of me. "It doesn't make you weak. If the. . .urges are coming back, you can tell us. Marley and I just want what's best for you, honey."

"I don't feel like I deserve her." I shrugged a shoulder carelessly. "I don't feel like I deserve to be alive."

She frowned before pulling me into her warm embrace, making me feel like a toddler. "Baby, you are a blessing. I know that. Marley knows that."

"I feel like this is all some warped fucking prank and any second someone is going to pull the rug from beneath me and take everything."

She rubbed my back soothingly. "Baby, you deserve all of what you have. You've been through unspeakable things, things I would sell my soul to turn back to prevent. You have spent years in therapy, years busting your behind to better your career, years loving Marley. This is real, honey, nobody and nothing will take it from you."

"I'm sorry, Mom." I whispered, having to blink rapidly to keep tears from breaking passed the point of stinging. "For all the crap I put you through."

"Maverick, you're here now. I get to hold you, love you, be your mother. That's all that matters to me."

I sat down slowly, but she didn't release me until Marley wrapped gently on the door and stepped in through the open door. Mom then kissed my forehead, ruffled my hair, then exited the room with a smile in Marley's direction.

"You okay?" she questioned, lowering herself on to the bed beside me.

I considered lying, but knew it wouldn't help anyone. "Not really."

"Yeah, I'm not either." She said with a quiet laugh. "But that's fine, we can be not okay together, right? Kinda our whole relationship, isn't it?"

I reached out and wrapped my arm around her shoulders, hugging her close to me. "Definitely."

"We'll be okay one day, Gage. We're better than we were back then, then we were yesterday, and one day we'll be better than we are today."

Kissing her cheek softly, I just held her in silence, my eyes slowly finding the drawing of her on the wall across the room.

I had thought taking my life was the best option; that there was no possibly fucking way I could ever escape the anger and torment, the darkness that slept inside of me. But Marley had changed that. The end had come, and we'd survived. Now we were right back at the star, the beginning, and I wouldn't take even a second for granted.