CHAPTER FOURTEEN
[14]
song: maintain by vilde

It wasn't long before Rafe's car came around the corner, pulling into the marina parking lot, where Cassie sat on the curb and waited.

She felt silly like this. Waiting for him to come rescue her from a mess she'd put herself in, cheeks tear stained, still wearing this oversized, old work coat over her dress. It felt like she'd lived three lifetimes since the night of the party, but here she was, still wearing that same dress.

He got out of the car after it stopped in front of her, eyebrows narrowed, shaking his head as he spoke. "What's up? What happened?" He asked confusedly.

Cassie was trying very hard to hold it together. But she'd been lying if she said she hadn't spent the past ten minutes sitting here crying.

And when Rafe finally noticed, despite how much she tried to wipe her tears and collect herself, he came out from around the car and quickly walked over to her.

"I'm sorry," she waved it off, embarrassed, but still clearly upset. "I didn't know who else to call."

It was clear Rafe didn't really know what to do, or say, he was kind of observing her like she was some sort of artifact, one that was completely unaware to how much someone was examining every detail of their face.

Cassie continued. "I don't have my car. And I sort of—" she takes a deep breath. "I don't know what to do with myself right now."

Rafe kept his eyes steady on her. "Do you want to stay at Tannyhill tonight?" He eventually asks. It came off as more of a suggestion.

Cassie looked up at him and blinked a few times, for a split second the thought of that felt like it would solve all the world's problems. She hadn't eaten since last night, hadn't slept, or showered, or changed out of these clothes, and her shoes were giving her blisters. And the thought of being alone right now, holed up in her bedroom at her grandma's house, thinking about the events of today. She knew she'd spiral.

So she nodded.

"I'll need to..." she starts thinking. "I need to run home, get a change of clothes and— I don't know. Wipe the makeup off from under my eyes." She says, letting out a slight laugh.

Rafe smiled, and her put a casual arm around her shoulders and pulled her back over to his car. It took Cassie by surprise, it was such a Rafe move. One she'd seen him pull on numerous girls at parties. Where he sweeps them away and claims them as his token girl for the night.

It set her off. It made her second guess everything. She'd forgotten how much of a player he was before all of this. She'd grown so accustomed to stoic, anxious, angry Rafe and forgot he was capable of showing realistic teenage boy emotions.

He opened the door for her, and when she got in, she watched him come around the hood to the driver's seat. What was that? What were they? That wasn't a move you pulled on someone you just had a sort of alliance with. But she didn't think either of them thought of this as only an alliance.

When he brought the car to the front of her grandma's house, for the second time that day, she felt herself looking over to the trashcans her dad previously hid behind. Maybe she was hoping to see him back there, maybe she was hoping she'd never see him again, she wasn't sure yet.

She turns to face Rafe. "You can come in?" She suggest.

His eyes linger on her for a second longer than normal before he answered. "Okay."

"Just..." she brought a quick finger to her lips and insinuated to keep his presence on the down low, and he sent her an understanding nod as he followed her up the steps to the porch.

She slowly twisted the knob of the front door, and peaked her head inside first, the tv was unsurprisingly still on, and her grandma, still on the couch, had her back to the door.

Cassie gestured for Rafe to go upstairs first, and when he did, she quickly shut the door behind her, and followed up after him, a smile on her face at the ridiculousness of it.

He waited for her at the top, and she redirected her smile towards him as she continued on and lead the way to her bedroom.

At first, she regretted inviting him in as she opened her door and tried to remember what kind of state she left it in. She wanted to rush inside as fast as she possibly could, and hide away anything that could change the way Rafe thought about her. That made her come off as too juvenile, too girly, not cool enough for him.

And then she felt a bit of pride, having Rafe Cameron in her bedroom, shutting the door behind them quietly and watching as he walked inside and looked around.

His eyes were drawn to the bulletin board above her bed that housed countless pictures. Pictures of her with her mom, with her grandma, her childhood cat. Her and the horse she used to ride in Waco. She followed his gaze to the picture in the middle, a polaroid of her, JJ, Kiara, Pope and John B all standing on the dock at The Chateau.

It was taken on Kiara's birthday, where the five of them spent the day celebrating by getting day-drunk and smoking around a bonfire.

She looked at Rafe, trying to gage his expression. Seeing if it was angry, or vengeful, but it was just empty. Impossible to read.

Cassie took a deep breath, then reached up and took the pin out of the picture, and pulled it off the board. She looked at it for a second, then sat it face down on the desk. "Yeah, need to... redo this." She gestures to the board.

He glances at her. "You don't have to do that."

She shakes her head, walking over to her closet. "Do what?" She asks, though she knew what he was referring to.

"Act like you still don't care about them." He says, he walks over to her bed, and sits down on the edge.

She watched him out of the corner of her eye, and it made her heart skip a beat. "I do care about them." She nods, then takes a moment to think. "I just don't think I'm meant to be involved with them like that anymore. I just— I think they've moved on. And I need to too." She sifted through her closet, pulling out her soft cream knit sweater, and a pair of big denim shorts.

She looked at Rafe, smiled, then gestured for him to turn around.

He gave her a sort of look first, one that made her immediately fill with nerves, one that reminded her that he was a lot better at whatever this was than she was. But he turned around, then spoke. "I've always thought they had this... mob mentality." He starts. "And not just because of everything that happened, just— I mean they abducted my sister. Brainwashed her"

She pulled her dress off and over her head, trying to play it off as if this was something she did on the daily. That this was a super casual thing, and that she wasn't totally freaking out right now.

But after she slipped her sweater back on over her head, she processed what he said. "Well, they didn't, really—" she started, then stopped when she saw just how still he was on her bed, his back to her.

She didn't want this feeling to end. Didn't want to say anything that would push him away.

"Yeah." She says, pulling her shorts up.

When she walked over to her dresser, Rafe assumed he was in the clear, so he turned back around.

She pretended she didn't see him watching her as she braided her hair. "I think..." she starts, hoping to change the subject, but wanting to keep it on something low-conflict. "That I'm starving." She turns to him smiles.

She was hoping Rafe would return her energy, that he would smile too, and start suggesting places to grab food. But instead he just kind of observed her.

Her shoulders slumped and she shrugged, urging him to say whatever it was he was so clearly thinking over.

"What are you doing?" He asks eventually.

Cassie was blank for a few seconds, all previous excitement and thoughtless moments now gone.

When she didn't respond, Rafe continued. "Are you... playing two sides here, or—"

She narrowed her eyebrows. "Where is this coming from?"

"Three days ago you wanted nothing to do with me. You wouldn't let me forget what I'd done." He shrugs, his eyes still steady on her.

Deep down Cassie had this fantasy that none of that had happened. That he was still just Rafe Cameron, Ward Cameron's son, a douchebag, and a player. And he wasn't Rafe Cameron, murderer. Because he was so good at acting like he wasn't. He was so good at making her forget at all, and making her feel normal.

But when she started to resent him for it, when she remembered what he'd done, she was reminded why he did it. And that if put in the same situation, she would've done it too. Did that make it morally right? No. But it made him human.

In her eyes, at least.

"A lot's changed." Cassie sighs, feeling comfortable enough in the approaching conversation to go and sit beside him on the edge of her bed. "I feel... confused? About a lot of it. But— I can't just disregard how I feel."

She couldn't meet his eyes as she felt his stare on her. "How do you feel?" He asks quietly.

She'd walked herself into that, and now she was forced to admit it to not only him but to herself. "Like I can't trust you."

His eyes were still on her, and he hung his head lower as if trying to meet her gaze. "But?"

"But I can't really trust them, either." She spoke freely, her eyes focused ahead as she just got her thoughts out. "So I'm just stuck in this... morally grey loophole of right and wrong."
He didn't respond for a while, and it made Cassie wonder what was going on in his head, if what she'd said hurt him. "Rafe..." she starts again, trying to think of the right words. "Are you okay?" She asks, hoping the question didn't come too far out of left field.

He looks at her and his eyes narrow slightly.

She takes a breath. "You know... with everything that's happened. I feel like everyone's worried about Sarah, but you lost a father too."

His expression remained the same for a few moments, before he leaned back a bit.

Cassie started to panic that she'd said the wrong thing. That it wasn't any of her business, and just because she'd lost a parent too. Both of them now, technically. Doesn't mean that he has any reason to want to talk to her about this.

"I'm fine." He said eventually.

Cassie kept her eyes on him, knowing he wasn't being entirely truthful.

He looked at her, the way she watched him like he was some anomaly, like she'd never seen anything like him before. She was waiting for him to break, to talk to her like he was human. He rolled a tongue over his teeth, letting out a small scoff before he spoke. "He left me to deal with all of his shit." He admits, resentment in his voice. "And I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I have one sister whose constantly getting herself into shit, another one who doesn't have a clue what's going on ever, and an alcoholic step-mom who doesn't care enough about either of them to do anything about it."

She watched him as he spoke, his eyes now fixated forward as if he had forgotten he was talking to her.

"And now I guess we're in severe debt. Can't access any of the accounts, and I— I feel like I'm the only one who cares." He shakes his head. "I'm the only one who's doing shit about it, and when I fix everything— I'm not gonna be— no one's gonna give a shit. They're all gonna reap the benefits and they won't even have enough sense to even thank me." He continues. "Because I'm... because my ways of getting things done is a little bit more proactive then whatever shit Rose spews at me. And that— that makes me the bad guy?" He looks up at Cassie, his eyebrows narrowed as he puts his hands on his chest.

She just watches him for a few seconds, feeling the hurt in his words. "I don't think you're a bad guy." She responds quietly.

Rafe seemed a little taken aback. For a moment he hadn't realized he was speaking out loud, let alone to her. He breathed heavily, mulling over the words he's needed to hear for so long now.

They just stared for a few seconds, thoughts wandering to places they probably shouldn't.

Cassie inhaled sharply and straightened her back, the mood in the room shifting quickly. "I'm gonna go wash my face and then we can go." She says as she stands from the bed.

She doesn't wait for Rafe to acknowledge her before she slips out the door, and to the bathroom down the hall.

When she shut herself behind that door, the second the silence and the stillness hit her, reality began to set in. She didn't even know what she was doing anymore. All she knew that entertaining whatever this was has been the perfect distraction to all of her other problems. At least, that's what she's been telling herself. That this was only a distraction. What she needed to decide on was whether or not continuing on this way would only add to her problems.

She turned in the mirror, puffy eyes, and red, swollen cheeks. Usually, she'd be embarrassed for someone to have seen her like this— but she didn't care anymore. Someone seeing that she cried felt so minuscule right now.

She took a deep breath and rubbed her throat, where a permanent knot had been fighting with her all day, before turning on the sink and letting the water heat up.

Cassie felt that feeling in her head. That throbbing feeling that was pounding against her skull, and giving her ideas on the worst way to fix it all. She knew it was coming after this morning. She felt that same way she used to, so angry, and resentful, and out of control.

She opened up the medicine cabinet behind the mirror just to browse again. At least, that's what she was doing at first. Then she was picking up pill bottles and examining each label until she found what she wanted.

Kirsten Crowley, hydrocodone, 10mg.

And so she dumped out seven pills. Because in her warped idea of this being only a simple indulgence, three less than what she used to take wouldn't hurt anything.

And then she leaned down into the sink, filled her mouth with water from the faucet, and then swallowed each pill.

It was before the effects even sunk in that she started to feel better, because she knew those short-lived moments of euphoria would be kicking in soon.

And she told herself to enjoy those fleeting moments while she can. Because she wouldn't do that again. She couldn't. She'd worked too hard.

She snapped the cap back on, put it back in its place in the cabinet, shut the door, and leaned down to wash her face like nothing had happened.

Rafe was pacing, now. He was frustrated, if anything. He had this weight of their family's financial troubles on his back, and with that, knowing how close he was to solving it all. He couldn't let himself get this way; sitting in her room and acting like it was all okay.

It was immature, and irresponsible, and he was truly ready to take on this role, he wouldn't let something so minute as a girl get him off track.

A phone buzzes, and he stops, looking over to her bed where her phone lit up.

He walked over to it, watching as text as after text rolled in. Each from his sister.

sarah cameron:
can we talk?

i know things are weird right now but trust me i've been in a similar situation

we're all in the cut right now helping pope look for the cross but i can come by your place after or we can just call

i'm just worried about you

Rafe reads each message carefully, a rush of betrayal fueled anger filling his mind as he thought about her. He never understood why their father cared so deeply for Sarah, when she would never go to the lengths Rafe had gone to to protect their family.

Hearing the faucet still running in the bathroom, he opened her phone and scrolled through the texts. Back and fourth between Sarah and Cassie, most of which asking the other where they were, or if they were on their way. There wasn't much. They barely knew each other, but here Sarah was 'worried about her'.

She was using her. She had to be. Playing the worried friend card to try and get something out of Cassie. They knew that her and Rafe were closer to finding the cross, so they're pulling out all the stops.

But they weren't closer. Carla hadn't discovered anything new since they came back to Tannyhill earlier that day. She'd spent hours scanning the map with a magnifying class, desperately searching for other clues, and nothing had clicked.

He started typing.

cassie maybank:
where r u guys?

Sarah started typing, then stopped.

cassie maybank:
i can meet up w u there

No response.

He scoffed, letting his eyes roll back in his head annoyedly, but also somewhat impressed with the fact that his sister didn't give up their location that easily. They must've all been standing over her shoulder, telling her what, and what not to say.

His eyes lingered on the screen for a few seconds, before it registered in his mind. He clicked Sarah's name, scrolled down, and like the idiot she was, saw that she was still sharing her location with Cassie.

Freedman's Church.

That's where they were.

Rafe shook his head, tossing the phone to the side quickly before reaching into his pocket and grabbing his own, calling Renfield's name.

"You just letting us do all the work, now?" Renfield spoke after the phone barely even rang.

"Freedman's Church." Rafe spoke in a hushed voice, keeping an eye on the door. "Load up the crew, we'll meet you there. Bring guns." And then he hung up.

His heart was pounding now, pulsing through his ears as he knew how close they were getting to the cross. It was a race at this point. And he wasn't going to let Cassie slow him down if she wasn't fully in.

He heard footsteps coming back down the hall, and he knew if he were going to do anything, he needed to do it fast. It was a rush, just the thought of it.

When Cassie returned, she gave him a glance that read as, 'why are you looking at me like that?' as she walked past him, and over to where she left the old denim coat from earlier.

She swung it over her shoulders, knowing that as they got deeper into the fall, the nights would be chillier. And he just watched, so she let out a small laugh. "Any news?" She asked.

Rafe thought carefully before speaking. "No. Well— they maybe found something, but—" He starts, scratching the back of his neck as he walked over to where she stood. "Probably best if you stay back."

She adjusted the jacket on her shoulders, only for them to fall when she processed his words. "Why?" She asked.

He would be lying if the disappointment in her voice didn't fill him with guilt. "I just feel like it could get messy, and I don't want you to be in the middle of that."

She blinked a few times. "Messy, because... because my brother and— they'll all be there?"

His eyes narrowed slightly, wondering when she discovered her friends were involved in this too. He shook his head. "Messy, because Renfield's guys are a little rough, and I—" he stops, realizing that he was losing her. There was a newfound worry in her expression, a hesitance that he had to get rid of quickly.

He grew quiet, and it made her uneasy. "What?" She spoke.

Rafe took a step back and turned around, shaking his head, as if forcing himself to take another moment to think things over. He was cracking his knuckles, his shoulders were tense, and Cassie's eyebrows turned up worriedly. "Rafe, what?" She repeated.

He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to use it as some sort of tactic, to solidify the fact that she'd stay on their side. He liked the girl. He liked how he felt around her. And he like that her being with him, pissed off the Pogues. It distracted them. And he felt like he'd won something over them, like leverage, and he was about to win more.

It wasn't right. His motive wasn't right. The timing wasn't right. He was working on himself, he wanted to be a better person, and prove to her that he was capable of it. And doing that, for those reasons, felt like a step back.

But he was selfish. He always had been, probably always would be. He did things that felt good in the moment. And he didn't care about the consequences, he was too used to never facing them.

As much as he wanted to be a better person, he wanted to get ahead more.

So he turned back around, grabbed her face, and kissed her.

Cassie was so caught off-guard by it all, it took her a second to realize what was happening. She felt his hands on her first, one sifting through her hair to hold the back of her head, the other placed almost delicately on her jaw. And she melted into it, at the feeling of his lips on hers, at the sound of his inhales mixing with hers as he leaned into her body.

She felt numb. Her entire being succumbed to the feeling, and in less than a second it felt like her mind went silent. Any other thoughts, and problems, and anxieties were gone and she was just here.

But she pulled away quickly, the initial feeling being torn away from her just as fast as it started to settle in. Her hands were on his chest, breathing quickly as either of them waited for the other to say something.

He'd forgotten his original intent, seeing her now, feeling her against him, his heart was pounding, terrified of the idea that by him just kissing her, he'd ruined his chances of it ever happening again. And now that he'd tasted her, he wasn't sure he would be able to control himself around her again.

And then they were a tangled mess of hands. As if both of their minds had come to the same conclusion at the same time, colliding against each other again and reconnecting their lips.

Her mind was slow, any thought processes were long delayed and everything just felt right. Even if she knew it was just for a moment, she liked this high. She told herself she wouldn't regret this later, because how could you regret something that felt this good?

She brought her hands up to to the back of his neck and pulled him in deeper, feeling herself step back as he stepped forward. Her back colliding against the wall, she felt like she wanted to just drift off, keep his lips on hers but fully melt into this feeling until she couldn't feel anything anymore.

She didn't know what was happening. Her hands were tangled in his hair one second, and then the next they were fisted in his shirt. His kisses were fast, and passionate and she tried hard not to let the idea of all the practice he'd had slip into her mind right now. But it was intoxicating, this feeling of wanting and being wanted in return.

His mind was everywhere but on the cross right now. When usually he'd be panicked, knowing there was a chance they could be too late to get it, he wasn't even thinking of any of it right now. All he could think about was how he could possibly pull her closer. He leaned his hips into hers, hemmed her in with with his arms on either side, all the lines of their bodies pushed together. When Cassie made a soft noise in her throat, Rafe thought he might actually drown in want.

There was a hand on her neck now as he moved her jaw upwards, trailing his mouth down from her lips to her neck. She leaned her head back against the door as much as she could, savoring every kiss, noticing the cold touch of the rings on his fingers where he held her.

There was tactic to his kissing, he knew what to do to get the best results. He brought his kisses down to her jaw to free her lips, to give her access to more soft escapes of breath, because he liked hearing her this way. He liked feeling her this way. When he brought a hand down to her hip, he was sure to let his thumb trail down just barely on her torso, so he could feel he way her body jumped at the new touch.

He wanted so badly to pull at the hem of her sweater and lift it off over her head. Because in these kisses there were no thoughts of anything else, and he wanted to keep it that way for as long as he could. He wanted to remain in this thoughtless state, to let his mind rest. But he couldn't.

He leaned his forehead into her neck as he pulled his lips from her collarbone, letting out a small scoff. She kept her hands on his back, one of them on its way up to tangling into his hair as he leaned his head up to look at her.

Her lips were swollen, eyes half-closed and still in that pretty state of lust. He kissed her again, then pulled away and let her hands fall off of him, no matter how hard she tried to keep him on her, and she did.

"I have to go." He says, finding a bit of pride at the fact that she still clung to shirt as he leaned away.

Cassie blinked a few times and bit down on her lip, just now realizing how numb she'd become. She frowned. "Please."

Rafe could've leaned back in so easily at her words. His mouth parted, a small exhale escaping his lips as he felt himself begin to fall back into her. But he couldn't.

He had to physically step back, he could be too easily pulled back into all of that and from that, fuck everything else up that he actually needed to put his focus on. He pulled his phone back out of his pocket, and checked the time. "I'll call you when we get it, alright? I just don't want to get you into anymore trouble."

She stayed leaned against the wall, fidgeting with her fingers as she watched him gather his stuff to go, trying to decide if what he was telling her was the truth or if he just didn't want her there. "Rafe?" She started, as he approached the door to leave.

He looked at her and awaited for her to continue.

"Is it stupid of me to trust you?" She asked.

After a moment of silence, he smiled, leaned back in with another kiss, and then left out the door.

It felt good as she felt herself bring her fingers up to where his lips just were, to savor the fleeting feeling.

But that wasn't an answer.