CHAPTER FORTY SIX
[46]
song: if i get high by nothing but thieves

It had been weeks since the Enduro.

Cassie had been picking up shifts at the marina, docking boats and cleaning them like she used to before any of this.

The pay was bad. The tips were great. The clientele was awful... The tips were great.

And she put every last cent into a box under her bed. Labeled it 'Do Not Touch - Girl Stuff' and hoped that would steer anyone who got too curious away.

She was gonna pay back Barracuda Mike. She had no choice.

And it took time away from Poguelandia. But the tips weren't so great there. Actually, they were pretty non-existent, and all of the money she did make went into their joint account.

But working again wasn't too bad. It kept her distracted, and when she worked with other people, they tended to dump all their problems onto her and Cassie could just sit and listen.

Sofia worked at the bar across from the marina. Most days, Cassie grabbed lunch or dinner with her, which kept her even more distracted.

They spent their time gossiping over every meal, about Topper, Rafe, Ruthie. All of the Kooks that seemed like they'd turned their delusion up to its max level lately.

Sofia stayed out of it, mostly. It was usually Cassie who caught her up on everything. But it was nice to have someone like her to talk to.

Someone she didn't live with, someone who kept out of the fray. It kept her level-headed.

Cassie returned home after a long shift. Her feet sore, her hair barely hanging on in its claw clip. Her baby pink nail polish chipped, and her back aching to just sit down on the couch.

When she got to the house, she expected to see someone manning the shop. At least one person had to always be there. JJ and John B were usually out doing charters, so she knew they'd be gone, but it was completely empty.

Confused, Cassie unlocked the door with her key, got inside and dropped her bag at her feet. Too tired to even hang it up.

But immediately after walking in, the house was filled with a frantic, loud chatter.

"What the hell?!"

"How did they get all this information?"

"I look insane in that!"

"Are we famous now?!"

"Who sent them that picture?!"

Cassie took a sip from the watered-down iced latte in her hands as she came around the corner into the living room, following the voices.

Everyone was huddled around Kiara on the couch, all trying to get a better look at her screen.

"Get in here!" Pope gestured Cassie on excitedly. "Listen, listen—"

"The extraordinary discovery made by the young adventurers has validated the existence of the City of Gold?!" Kiara read from her computer.

"What?" Cassie's eyes widened, shock over-taking her expression. "What?!"

"They wrote about us— The Outerbanks Sentinel—"

Cassie rushed over to Kiara, squeezing in next to her as Pope moved out of the way so she could see it. Pulling the laptop onto her lap, she quickly read the article as chatter continued around her.

"They excavated it?!" JJ yelled excitedly. "Like finally?!"

"That's what it sounds like, we—" Sarah was on her feet, pacing.

Cassie read on. She read about the teenagers who, on a forty-eight hour expedition to Venezuela, hunted down the City of Gold.

"So... So what now? What does this mean for us?!" Kiara questioned.

She read about the six teenagers who discovered the City of Gold.

Their names were listed. John B, Pope, Cleo, Sarah, JJ, Kiara.

She read it again. John B, Pope, Cleo, Sarah, JJ, Kiara.

"Does this mean we get more money?!" JJ asks.

She scrolled up and looked at the picture. It was all of them, a photo that must've been taken before they got to the hospital for Cassie and Rafe. Neither of which were in the photograph.

"I mean, it could?" John B was excited. "Pope?"

"They'd give us more money because of an article?" Pope looked at them confusedly.

JJ shrugs. "No, because we're famous, now, or—"

Kiara was frantic. "They called us heroes?!"

Cassie didn't feel like much of a hero. Actually, she felt like quite the opposite. It had been so hard to think about how they had gotten the gold in the first place. There was a lot of loss coincided with their discovery, and it clouded all her memories.

John B and Sarah both lost their fathers. Rafe too.

Cassie lost him, and a bit of herself.

Sometimes, when she wondered how in the world Ward Cameron could continuously let money come in between him and his children, she thought that her and her friends were no better.

They'd all gone to extreme lengths for just a fraction of what the kids they share an island with have in their trust funds. And for what? To lose more than anything they could ever be reimbursed for?

She often wondered how different her life would now be if they just never found anything. But it wasn't worth it to dwell on the past— she'd spent too much of her life doing that.

A month later, they were set to have a ceremony at the history museum outside of town. Each one of them to be honored for their discovery. Pope had to write them an email explaining how Cassie was there too, despite her telling him that wasn't necessary.

He asked if she wanted him to include Rafe, too. And she thought about it, but ultimately decided against it.

Cassie made her way up the creaking stairs and down the hallway, passing Pope and Cleo's room where music played from a speaker, and into Sarah and John B's.

Her hair was freshly curled, still not combed out just yet, still pinned around her face as the hairspray settled. She couldn't risk her hair frizzing up in the heat later.

She had plastic storage container of old makeup products from Sarah that she was returning. She had done her makeup at the kitchen table with a tiny handheld mirror since Kiara was in the bathroom.

She knocked on the door before walking in. "Oh, my bad." Cassie apologized to John B, who sat at the edge of the bed. She quickly walked over to the dresser to return Sarah's things. "I thought you and Pope went to the dry-cleaners? There's—"

When she turns to continue talking to John B, she realizes he had been crying.

Her casual expression dropped as she set her things down. Eyebrows upturned in worry as she quickly made her way over to the bed to sit beside him. "Is everything okay?"

John B shrugged, a little embarrassed as he wiped a tear before it fell from his eyes. "I'm good."

Cassie looked at him, worried. A knot quickly forming in her throat. He was dressed and ready to go, a white button up shirt and a tie. Ironed pants. Leather shoes shined and laced.

He was holding his Dad's glasses in his hands. Broken.

She wanted to cry. She was always so quick to tears. And it was even harder when she saw someone else crying.

Cassie's eyes trailed down to the wood floor ahead of them, where both of their gazes sat. The dust acting as glitter in the sun-rays.

"You know—" Cassie started, after a long moment of silence. "You know I didn't really realize what a good dad was until I met yours?"

There was a pause.

"He— I mean, Luke wasn't there for me or JJ, at all. Big John really took us in. Even when I was a stranger to him. He knew JJ— but when I first moved back, I was a stranger to him. I was a stranger to all of you. And he was more loving, more generous than—" Cassie takes a breath. "—than my dad ever was. I really needed someone like that in my life. And I think he saw that. And so he treated me like one of his own."

John B nodded along. "He always wanted a daughter." He let out a small scoff.

Cassie smiled, despite how choked up she felt.

John B takes a deep breath, looking up at Cassie and speaking quietly, his voice breaking a little. "Does it get easier?"

She thinks about her mom. It was so long ago that she lost her that some days go by that she doesn't even think about it. And she feels guilty about how much time had passed since she last thought about her.

Her life hasn't stopped changing since then.

She thinks about her grandma. Something so fresh, and new. She thinks about everything she should've done, should've said.

Cassie didn't know who she was without loss and grief. It had been instilled in her from a young age. It hurt then, and it hurts now. But it was just a part of her. It wasn't something she could get rid of.

"Can I tell you the truth?"

John B nods.

"No, it doesn't get easier." She frowns slightly. "There are days and months where you don't think about it, and you don't get sad, and then one day— out of nowhere— you'll just break down."

While the pain of grief struck her less and less as she grew up, it still hurt just as bad every time.

"And that doesn't mean your mourning process has started over— because the truth is, you'll always be in a mourning process. There's no finish line. Losing someone is a permanent part of your life now— all you can do is carry that with you as what it is."

Cassie continues. "Grief, mourning someone— it doesn't get smaller. But you get bigger, and you grow around it— it changes the way you grow, but you still grow."

And they were quiet for a few moments, as Cassie watched John B fumble with the glasses.

"I know he'd be so proud of you right now." Cassie spoke confidently, putting a gentle hand on John B's shoulder. "I know it."

He took a deep breath, and she could hear him shaking in his exhale, his shoulders falling as he grabbed onto Cassie's hand on his shoulder and nodded.

—

The ceremony was nice, thoughtful. There was a cocktail hour before, where everyone gathered around high tables and floral arrangements, lit candles and spotless silverware.

Cassie was on her fourth small-talk conversation of the night. Smiling and nodding while historians she'd never met spoke to her about their own discoveries.

Then they'd asked her about what it must've felt like to discover the gold. To which she would reply and tell them, she never actually saw anything. She was in the hospital.

Then they'd ask her why, and Cassie, to avoid further questioning, will tell them that she fell during the hike and that it was better for to not continue on.

They weren't as interested in her company after that.

She wore a small babydoll dress with pink and orange florals. Tall, brown leather riding boots that went up to her knees and gave her blisters. She didn't particularly feel pretty. In fact— she felt awkward. She felt like everyone was looking at her and wondering why she was getting honored and not Rafe. What did she do? Get shot?

She could still feel the scar on her belly as she readjusted her dress, a small plate of hors d'oeuvres in one hand as she looked around the yard of the history museum.

Cassie caught JJ's eye as he was mid-conversation with one of the deputies.

"Oh? You need me?" JJ waves at Cassie, then turns to the deputy. "My sister—"

"Oh—" Cassie looked around, confused as to what he was talking about.

"—she needs me for something. Idunno." He shrugs, quickly leaving the conversation and joining Cassie at one of the high tables. "Snag Sarah's flask next time you see her."

"I think it's empty already." Cassie sighs, both of them scanning the crowd.

Not a single soul here, outside of their own group, ever gave a shit about any of them until this. Even Shoupe was here. It was funny how that worked.

She looks at her brother, leaning against the palm of her hand. Bored. "You look nice."

JJ wore a fitted leather jacket and a white button up. It was the same thing he wore to her grandma's funeral.

He nods. "I feel ridiculous."

"You don't look ridiculous. You look like someone who has a lot of money." She jokes.

"Ironic." JJ responds. "Hey— uh," he turns to face her, voice quieter now. "Did you see Rafe was here?"

Cassie stiffened, but tried not to let anything show on her face. "Hm." She shook her head no, now afraid to look around the crowd in fear of meeting his gaze.

"And Topper. Just uh—" He thinks for a second. "Just try and ignore them."

Cassie snorts, reaching into her clutch to grab a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "Ironic." She says, as she steps away from the table.

"And try not to hit anyone." JJ adds as his sister walks off.

"So funny!" Cassie continues, waving him off.

There was a quiet spot around the museum where the live music didn't follow. Where no one gathered because they felt it was off-limits.

She sat on a mossy stone bench, beneath a pergola and beside a trickling fountain. She ran a hand through her curled hair, taking an intentionally deep breath.

Five seconds in. Five seconds hold. Five seconds out.

She lit a cigarette and brought it to her lips. It was a habit she'd gotten into when she was very young. Too young. Her entire mom's side were smokers. But when she got into hard drugs, nicotine just didn't have the right buzz she was looking for anymore.

But here she was now, and that buzz was just right. It was enough to give her a bit of comfort when she felt stressed, which was more often than not.

She felt like such a joke in her nice dress, with her makeup all done and her hair all shiny. She knew she was hiding. She'd been hiding. For eighteen months. Every day that went by, she was pretending to be something she wasn't: okay.

And no good buzz, or sex, or adrenaline rush could hide that.

She looked around at John B, Sarah, JJ, Kiara, Cleo and Pope. They all looked so happy. So excited. This was everything they ever wanted. They finally won.

But all Cassie felt was dread.

She never wanted this. She never wanted to feel this alone, or this burdened. She never wanted to experience Poguelandia again. She wanted stability, she wanted protection and safety and she wanted to stop fighting to stay alive.

Her whole life. Her entire childhood growing up in Waco to an alcoholic mom, she was fighting to stay alive. She raised herself. She cooked for herself, took herself to school. She didn't get help on her math homework. She didn't get disciplined when she did wrong, and she certainly wasn't praised when she did right.

She'd been on her own her whole life. The freedom to Poguelandia that everyone else was experiencing wasn't a freedom to her at all, it was just another zoo she'd been thrown in.

But she was grateful. She loved her friends. She loved her brother. And sometimes, things were amazing. But most times, Cassie was just tired. So tired of taking care of herself.

"Vodka soda with..."

Cassie looks up, Rafe had come around the house and walked over to her, two drinks in hand.

He holds one of the glasses up and gets a better look at it. "Lime." Then he holds it out towards her.

Cassie blows out a puff of smoke, waving it away as she shook her head confusedly. "What?"

He continues to walk over, like he was going to sit down beside her. "You uh, you know— you guys can't order drinks here so I figured..." He shrugs innocently.

She was uneasy, looking past him to the rest of the gathering to ensure she wasn't as far away from the crowd as she thought. If she had to, she could just get up and walk back over there.

He kept the drink held out towards her, and Cassie just looked at him. Ignoring it.

Taking a breath, he opts to just set it down on the bench across from her.

Cassie got to her feet quickly, taking another drag from her cigarette as she decided there was nothing keeping her here in this conversation.

"I have to go." She says.

But Rafe takes just the tiniest step forward, getting into her path. "No you don't." He shakes his head.

He was so close, Cassie could feel the cold glass of whiskey pinned against her arm.

She inhales deeply, trying to keep composure as he gently plucked the cigarette out between her fingers. She didn't even try to fight it.

Still locked in each other's gaze, inches apart, Rafe takes a drag from the cigarette himself. "Doesn't start for another ten minutes." He shrugs.

"Well, I don't—" Cassie clenches her jaw. "I don't have anything to say to you."

She starts to move away but Rafe clicks his tongue, gently pulling her back into the conversation. "Hooold on—" he speaks in an almost mocking tone. She could smell the alcohol off his breath.

She pulls her arms from his loose grip, desperately confused and unsettled. "What are you even doing here?"

Rafe sucks in another puff of smoke through his teeth, then lets out a small cough. "Whole county was invited."

She didn't say anything. She was too focused on trying to keep her expression unreadable.

But she knew very well what he was doing. She'd seen it, at parties with him. This persona he puts on when he's working a crowd. Charming, and smooth.

He hands Cassie back her cigarette, and she takes it from him, dropping it on the ground. But Rafe stomped it out before she got a chance to even lift her boot.

"My cut." Rafe eventually says.

"Your cut?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Of the gold?"

He nodded.

"You want it?" She asked.

He nodded again, pleased with himself.

"You want your cut that you haven't come to claim in... eighteen months? And actually— actually you showed up one day and told us to use it. So we did." Cassie spoke quickly, annoyed. Angry. "I don't have your money. It's gone."

Rafe inhales deeply. "Well, I want it."

She tilts her head to the side. "You want it or you need it? 'Cause there's a difference. I know you don't understand th—"

He grips her upper arm, leaning towards her ear. "You're not really in a position to piss me off."

"You're threatening me?" Cassie narrowed her eyebrows. Genuinely perplexed.

Rafe seemed a little thrown himself, loosening his grip and swallowing hard.

"After what I did for you— you're threatening me?" Cassie was desperate for clarification.

For the first time in a while, Cassie felt deeply sad. Looking into his eyes and seeing a boy she used to love be filled with such hatred. It wasn't anger she felt anymore, it was devastation.

Rafe wasn't sure what to say. He was trying hard to keep his front up, but Cassie saw through it.

She pulled her arm from his grip again and shoved past him. "I don't even feel bad for you because you did this to yourself." She couldn't help the words from spilling from her mouth as she stopped and turned back around to face him. "I did nothing wrong. My friends did nothing wrong, and you know it— but you just have—"

"—Your friends killed my father."

Cassie was dumbfounded. "If that's what you've seriously convinced yourself then I can't change your mind. But don't— don't show up here years later threatening me just 'cause you're lonely."

Rafe's expression didn't change.

She swallows harshly, shaking her head. "'Cause you didn't have to be alone. You didn't have to deal with any of this alone. But you can blame yourself for that."

He clenched his jaw. "I want my cut."

"Well I don't have your cut. And I know you don't care, because I know that's not why you came here. Because I know you." Cassie takes a shaky breath, gathering her thoughts. "You need to decide whether or not you hate me because if you don't— then—"

She stops, taking a second to think of her next words.

"—then stay out of my life."

The last sentence was aggressive. It was her way of threatening him. She couldn't take it anymore. She needed it to be done. All of it.

Cassie stormed back off to the ceremony, leaving Rafe in the garden as her heart thundered against her chest and a knot grew in her throat.

The most painful thing is that if he'd just sit down and listen to her, things could be so different.

But Rafe didn't want it to be true. He didn't want to believe that Ward died chasing his own foolish power trip. He was desperate for someone else to blame, so that he could hold on to only the fondest memories of his father.

Someone was speaking on the mic as Cassie came around the corner, her friends were being shuffled on stage as Sarah found her and latched onto her hand.

They walked up the steps to the front porch of the museum together. "Was that my brother?" Sarah asked quietly.

Cassie took her seat in one of the six chairs sat on the porch beside the podium. She looked out to the crowd of people that sat and watched as she nodded.

"Everything okay?" Sarah asked.

Cassie was trying to keep face, knowing so many eyes were on her. "Yeah. Yeah— all good."

Sarah could tell Cassie was shaken up. She was cracking her knuckles and doing that quick, nervous smile she did when she was upset.

Cassie wasn't even listening to all the great things that the speaker was saying about her and her friends, her surroundings might as well had been silent.

"...friends from both sides of the island who came together to solve this five hundred year old mystery."

She watched Rafe funnel through the crowd, pushing his way through all the people that came to celebrate them. Everyone's eyes and smiles fixated forward as Rafe shoved past, and left.

Cassie couldn't understand anything of what she was feeling. She couldn't understand if she was angry, or sad, or just so completely over it.

There was a timeline that Rafe could've been up there with her. But whatever timeline that was, it was so far out of reach now that even the idea of it felt laughable.

"...locals who succeeded where centuries of conquistadors, explorers and admirals have failed."

Cassie was shaking her head, just barely, as Rafe snagged a drink from the bar and walked off. She couldn't focus on anything else.

Topper stood, walking over to Rafe to try and calm him down. People's head had started turning.

The speaker hesitated as he realized he was losing the crowd to the commotion behind them. "To—" he pauses. "Today, we come together to celebrate these teens."

Rafe flings his drink, spilling it out of the glass as Topper tried to grab it from him. Cassie buried her head in her hands as the crowd started murmuring.

Kiara lets out a loud scoff, sinking back in her seat. "Can someone get him out of here?" She asks, not loud, but not quiet either.

Shoupe turns around in his seat, then back to the ceremony, before standing up and making his way down the aisle.

Cassie felt all eyes on her. Not just the crowd, but everyone she sat beside seemed to be looking at her waiting for a reaction.

Maybe she'd snap, maybe they'd have another screaming match. Maybe she'd start sobbing, or she'd just get up and leave.

A year ago, she might've.

But she just sat there and watched as Shoupe gently tried to persuade Rafe to quiet down and leave the ceremony. Rafe shoved him off, pointed at Cassie and her friends, said something no one could hear, and then let out an audible 'fuck this'.

"Classy." Sarah huffs, crossing her legs and shaking her head.

"Let's move on," the speaker continues, feeling awkward. "Everyone, let's— hear it for this remarkable group of kids!"

There was hesitation before the applause, but within seconds the crowd was cheering and clapping.

Cassie felt no pride, she felt no relief or excitement.

It frightened her how little she felt at all.

They got to their feet, stood as the crowd continued their applause. Cassie looked at all of them, and she it pained her to know that all this applause was for someone who deserved none of it.

Her friends did, of course. They'd been working for this since she was still locked up in rehab. But Cassie had done nothing but delay their victories for someone who was throwing a fit as he was ushered out of the venue.

Then her eyes landed on Barracuda Mike, who stood leaned against a tree, clapping, but not looking very amused.

She swallowed hard, acting as if she never saw him. But she knew why he was here.

When the ceremony commenced, and each of them all got their own shiny medal, and took a group photo that would soon be hung in the museum, Cassie was pulled back into small-talk and fake smiles.

But she couldn't focus on anything. Her mind was too many other places at once. She knew Mike was waiting for the perfect moment to strike, and every time someone left her table, she quickly walked to another one to start up another conversation.

It was a half hour before Mike eventually approached. "Cassie." He scolded her.

She quickly turned to lift all the half-empty drinks that sat on the high table, pretending to look for hers. "No that's—" she examines one, ignoring Mike. "Not mine, not mine, let's—" she tries to move to the next table.

"Haven't seen you at Bait in a while." Mike shrugs. "It's like you're avoiding me."

Cassie sucks her teeth, unwillingly turning back around to face him. "Thanks for coming." She holds her hand out for him to shake.

He crosses his arms, and scoffs. He was in the same dirty white shirt and baseball cap he always wore. Because he didn't come for the ceremony, he came because he knew he could corner her.

That seemed to be everyone's prerogative tonight: corner her, and ask for money.

Retracting her hand, Cassie avoids eye contact and scans the rest of the crowd. "Look, I'm—"

"I've been very patient, Maybank." Mike says.

"I know, I know." Cassie says eagerly. "But I'm working. At the marina again, saving up and—"

He barks out a loud laugh, turning a few friends and making Cassie's shoulders fall. "Saving up? Saving up some shitty Kook tips? And what about all this gold they're blabbing about? Where's that?"

She clenches her jaw. "Gone." She spoke reluctantly, slightly embarrassed.

"You have a debt to pay." Mike spoke sternly. "Is this gonna be an issue? Because—"

"No." She shook her head, his tone making her uneasy. "I told you I'd get you your money, and—"

"Mike, my man." JJ appears from around Cassie, standing beside her and holding his hand out toward Mike, to which he ignored it, again. "Al-right."

Cassie swallows harshly as Mike continues. "You two." He rolls his eyes. "You know— sometimes I forgot you're brother 'n sister, and that your stealing gene might be from your shit dad—"

"Very possible, very possible." JJ says. "Look—"

"I didn't steal." Cassie says sternly.

JJ pats her shoulder gently. "Hey, hey, we're all cool. We're cool." He puts his hands up defensively. "Right, Mike? We're cool."

"I'm cool for about one more month." He speaks, pressing his finger down on the table. "You hear me?"

"Loud and clear." JJ responds. "But, uh— can I borrow her? My sister?"

Mike waves them off lazily, turning to leave with nothing but more annoyance than he came with.

JJ looks at Cassie, shaking his head. "Are you cooked?" JJ asks.

She shakes her head quickly. "No— no, he's being so dramatic." She says, which wasn't at all the truth.

JJ then nods to one of the previously empty tables off to the side, where the Pogues now all crowded and spoke to one man. An older man, dressed in a nice suit.

"What's that?" Cassie asks.

JJ shoves his hands in his jacket pocket and sighed, leaning back. "Someone's grandpa."

She watches the conversation continue.

"Said he had a job for us." JJ shrugs. "Blackbeard."

Cassie gets out a small laugh. "Blackbeard? Like— the pirate Blackbeard?"

He nods. "He's got all this shit. Captain's log. Maps 'n stuff."

"Yeah, so does this entire museum?" Cassie questions, eyes steady on the conversation ahead.

"Yeah, but this entire museum isn't offering to pay us to do some treasure hunting."