Why is it that I've lived my entire life being above average, but still never being good enough? I think it's sad that I have to prove myself with everything I do because of some mentality that I will never amount to anything.

That's how I grew up, not good enough. Me and my wife recently moved back in with my parents (okay, it's been a few months) and one thing my wife noticed is that my mom disagrees with my every action, every thought, my entire being. She thinks all I do is argue but claims to know me better than anyone.

My wife told my mom that my son will be creative like his dad (me). My mom responds: "He wasn't creative, he just played video games and watched tv." That one struck me pretty hard, because I started writing at a pretty advanced level at twelve when I discovered online role play. I took advanced English in school for fucks sake.

None of that matters because I will never be a good person to her. I'll never be worth anything other than ridicule. Instead, I was the focus of her anger when my grandpa (father's side) died. Why? Because my dad needed me to be there for him and not her. "I'm his wife, he should need me. I've known your grandpa longer, my feelings are more important."

I never had a relationship with my dad. He always worked late and we never saw eye to eye. My only real memories of him was when he would get laid off and he just sat at the dining room coffee drinking coffee, waiting for me to be bored. Or him hitting me/calling me stupid for saying stupid things (it's a part of my antisocial behavior to act dumb to keep people away).

I honestly always hated him. I don't remember feeling loved by him until we talked at eighteen. But to him I was also never good enough. I didn't try hard enough. To this day I still put little to no effort into anything because I don't think I'll ever amount to anything. I don't think I'll ever be good enough, despite being above average with no effort at all. My writing has suffered significantly because of this, again I put no effort into it. Something is mentally blocking me from doing it.

I remember being a young teen; I was able to make such vivid descriptions of scenery and characters, and my imagination could not be contained. A big reason I couldn't focus in school were images that constantly surged through my head. I could literally see everything that I wanted with images. They used to replace what my eyes saw and I'd be lost in fantasy. Now, it takes a lot of effort and even then I seem to have lost that. I can no longer escape this world.

Maybe I'll never be good enough. My wife says that she loves me and I'm good enough for her. Yet I don't feel I'm good enough for myself. I'm not suicidal, but I often fantasize that death is better than being me. I'm useless, despite so many people needing me. I got a promotion at work--alas it was still not good enough. Nothing I do is.

I just want to be me again. I don't want to be this pathetic person I've become. This person that has to prove himself for everything. This person that despite needing recognition puts no effort into anything because he fears not being good enough. Perhaps death will be my only salvation. Because I'm not reading or writing much lately (past couple years) and despite wanting to I still hold myself back from it.

Fuck.