How do I tell her how I'm feeling. How can I can I tell her how much I appreciate her? How can I tell her that I do care? The problem is that I can't.

"I'm taking care of /your/ grandma." She says. Those words fell on deaf ears. My ears. I hear what she says but I can't process them. I can't emphasize with them, not with how I am.

The entire time I'm trapped inside of my own head. I should be supportive, I should be bringing a positive light into her life. I should show her how much it means.

How I feel? I'm anxious. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm empty. I'm selfish. I'm pathetic. I'm me.

I left early today. I originally planned on eating for the first time today, but I can't. I don't feel hunger. Probably me punishing myself for my own deplorable behavior. I treated it terribly.

She is selfless. She gave up her life to take care of /my/ flesh and blood. Right now she is battling her own demons, and I'm crippled. I can't talk to her about it.

Today is one of the worst days for her. This is the day we announced her first pregnancy. The pregnancy we lost less than a month later. I wasn't there for her. All she wanted was help. Where was I? WALLOWING IN MY OWN SELF PITY!

Angry that she needed me. Angry that I can't be needed because I can't get over my own crippling depression. Angry that I can't break these chains that bind me to myself. Angry that I can even think that I should die when she needs me more than anything.

I wish I could tell her how great she is. How much I need her. Not for the care of my grandma, but for me to keep living. I'm sharing this worthless life with her and she deserves me at my best. She constantly gets my worst.

Driving to work I cried. I thought of her the entire time. Then I thought about me. The terrible person that I am. I hope I can scale these walls and let myself be available to her. She deserves that. She deserves the best from me.

The song that really got to me: Burning Bright by Shinedown. "Here and now I express, my situation. The more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes. The more the dark consumes I pretend I'm burning bright."

Brittany, thank you.