So I fucked up.

I've been trying to keep a score on how long I can go without self harm, just so I can maybe break out of the addiction. I was setting a new high score for it (almost 2 months), but I broke again. It happens every fucking time. I'm able to keep it completely out of my mind for a few weeks, until the thoughts hit full force and I cave in. Nothing works. I don't even want it to work. Is that even okay? Is it normal to not want to break an addiction, and to want to just hurt yourself? I'm not sure if I really want to get better at all. I don't think I do. I just want to die alone, or become an apath, or manipulate others into doing what I want them to do. Is that okay? Is it just some harmless intrusive thoughts working their way into my daily life? I really don't care anymore. I just want to do something that will hurt me or hurt others. 

Back to the point before I type myself into an anxiety attack. I gave in today. It was different than usual though. You see, I use multiple things to self harm. It's not just cutting yourself. I hate saying that it's so fucking wrong. It can be starving yourself, purposefully putting yourself into bad or toxic situations, etc. I've been branching out from just using some sharp objects so I bleed, it's become worse. For the first time, I actually used a razor blade. Usually, I just use the knives I stole from the kitchen, but today I was finally able to get access to a razor. Since they don't sell them in Tesco, I had to use a hammer to break open pencil toppers. I couldn't ever get them out without breaking the blade, so today I just burned the plastic off.

That's the stereotype. Use a razor blade to self harm. And I did it. That means I achieved something and I'm not completely useless. I can do things. I fucked up, but at least I fucked up properly for once.

That's all I can do. I'm a complete loser. This isn't me fishing for compliments, or just having low self esteem. It's an actual fact. I'm not smart, I'm not sporty, I'm not talented in any way, I'm not social, I'm not pretty, I'm not nice, I'm not willing to put in an effort. I'm just some dumb bitch that is stuck in the past and wants to hurt people. I'm a bad person and I have to accept that. I've done such shitty things, and everything I've gotten is just karma coming to get me. Self harm is all I've got. I can't do drugs without getting my family involved, I can't just shift or sleep with someone because I can't talk people without having an anxiety attack, I can't fake it till I make it because everyone has already seen me, I can't run away or else my mom will break, and I can't commit suicide because it would affect people. I just want to die, but I can't. So I've got this. It's something I can control, and it's something that other people don't have to get involved in. I just want to die but I can't so I've just gotta take what I get.