Right, so, I still hate myself. Surprise surprise. My self esteem has improved, but I look like shit and feel like shit so now I'm here.

I play my music so loud that people can hear it through my headphones. My headphones broke like a month ago so I haven't been able to listen to music and it makes me feel awful. 

My parents, friends, siblings and pretty much everyone else hates my taste in music. I listen to a variety of music, and a lot of the bands and artists I like are pretty main stream, but I always find a way to pick the least popular songs. Not underrated, just the bad ones. Like, I'll listen to Panic!, MCR, The Cure, 21 Pilots, and all that kind of emo music, and yet whenever people ask what kind of music I like, they respond to the band names positively but then recoil once I mention my favorite songs. Well sorry, Sophie, but if I think that 'King of the Clouds' is an exciting and relatable song I can't control that. 

Then there's the other artists I like. Regina Spektor. Her music is amazing and meaningful, and she makes me cry all the time. Her song, 'Two Birds' and 'eet' are probably my favorite, but 'anthem of the 80's' always cheers me up. My parents like her, but no one other than Dolores and Lindsey ever talk about her. Dolores is a helper in school in her 50's, and she's one of my favorite people. Lindsey's also in her 50's. She's my therapist. I haven't seen her since I was caught by Abby. Good to know that I have the music tastes of a woman in her late 50's.

Then there's vocaloids. My parents hate them, my friends hate them, my siblings hate them. Surely, though, the internet has a big enough vocaloid fandom for me to connect with, right? Haha. So the only real artists I like are Wowaka and Maretu. I only listened to one of Wowaka's songs though, so I guess it doesn't count. Maretu has committed statutory rape to a 19 year old girl in Japan. He also cheated on his girlfriend. So he's not too popular. I don't like him, but his melodies helped me sync with my feelings during 2nd year panic attacks. Whenever I'm anxious, I play songs like 'Suji' or 'I'm high'. I can't relate to the lyrics, but the melodies are a different story. The music is really chaotic and sharp. It's black, white, and a bright red.' Maegamist' is a really sad song. It sounds sad, at least. And angry. I can really connect with it. But the music is sharp and complicated, so no one likes it. I don't like his new music either. I can relate to the lyrics, but they're in Japanese so yeah. Also, I don't really listen to lyrics mid attack. 'The taste of a cockroach' brought up too many memories for me. 

I hate my face. From a 3/4 angle it's not too bad. But sideways or facing forward? I look like a guy. For a femme lesbian, that's not a good thing. I don't want to look ugly, but I do so, no changing that. 

I wear makeup to try and help it, but it doesn't work. I don't like foundation, because my skin's too pale to match anything, and it feels weird on my skin. I wear a lot of eye makeup. I'd say my eyes and cup size are the only thing I like about myself. Even then I need to put on mascara and eyeliner to make my eyes pop. It just feels like I'm lying to people. Odd, because I never go outside so there's no one to lie to. I also forget to take my makeup off sometimes, so I'm left with smudged eyeliner under my eyes. You know, just to further enhance the greenish, brownish, blueish bags under my eyes. 

My body sucks as well. I don't exercise, period. I haven't done anything in like, 3 months. Mostly because of the mocks, and because of constantly having to move. Also I'm just lazy. It's unattractive, I know. No need to point it out.

But because of that, I'm left with a scrawny frame, noddle arms, and thighs that represent what happens when you over stuff a pizza crust. Sure, being dummy thicc suits people, and is really cute, but not when you have a boy's face and the rest of you is scrawny. I'm not soft, and I'm not strong. I'm not pleasant to hug, and I can't emit a sense of safety for people. I'm like an underfed cow, honestly. My muscles are tough, but not strong. My frame is scrawny, but not curvy. I'm supposed to have an hourglass shape, according to my mom, but it just feels like I'm out of proportion. It is fact that I have the anatomy of my sixth class art project. 

My hair. Ooo my hair. You guys know Bob Ross? Yep, I'm the dirty blonde Boss Ross of Ireland. That's my title. I should get a name tag or something. I've received many comments on my hair, good and bad. It used to reach down past my shoulders, but then my brain just one day said

 'c h o p'. 

I didn't do anything until summer time though, after like half a year of wanting it short short. The hair salons here flat out said they wouldn't cut my hair, because it was 'so pretty' and I'd look awful if I did cut it. Yeah fuck them I cut it in my bedroom a week later. My mom flipped, I cried because of the shock, but I like the length.

But back on track. According to my friends, I look like: a bush, Bob Ross, a cloud, a sheep, and a clown. They're not wrong. 

So yeah, appearance wise, I'm a 2/10. The two is made up of the fact that the guys in 1st year stared down my shirt during study and pe, so I clearly have a rack of some sorts. Feel like a whore because of it, but fuck it,

I'm going to stop myself before I get into deep shit.

No I'm not lol nvm.

I'm very stupid. It's not even funny. My family is smart, athletic, and friendly. We may all be introverts, but they're skilled introverts. Like a minimum wage job, but with amazing benefits. They're out running 5k's, solving every puzzle thrown their way, and debating about the foundations of life itself,

And then I'm in the back with a juice box, playing Minecraft and drawing. I'm a real catch, aren't I. 

I'm in higher maths AB, the highest level. You'd think that would mean I'm smart, and totally not failing the class. The only thing I've ever received good marks on is English and Art. History is good too. It's like reading a big story. It sucks that history is so compressed and summarized in school though. They take out all the colour, and turn it into an empty husk what what used to be the greatest work of mankind. It's a real shame.

But yeah, I'm stupid. I think I'll drop science in fifth year, because I'm only good at the essay questions, which are rarely a thing. If I can drop business as well, I will.

In short, I'm a real loser.

That's all for now.