I can't focus on my studying or my classes. At first I thought it was my insomnia, because I kept almost falling asleep, but now I've found the root and fixed the problem. I still can't focus. I don't know why. Am I just lazy? I'm really trying though. My grades are decent enough, but I'm scared that I'm not trying hard enough.

I know that I attract guys. Not gonna lie here, I have a rack, and like playing shitty horror games. I used to have a lot of guy friends before I left Rockwell for that. I'm more confident around guys I guess. But I'm not into guys. I like girls. But apparently it's one sided, because I'm creepy and like dark things or whatever. I know that as a femme lesbian, I don't stand a chance, but like, ouch. It doesn't help that the dating pool for lesbians in Clonmel is the equivalent of the fucking 2019 drought.

My thighs look like I've strapped sacks full of mashed potatoes onto the insides of my leg. At the same time, Abby calls me anorexic because I look like a skeleton to her. Fun fact, I don't actually have an eating disorder, you dumb cunt.  

I got a tarot reading today from one of my witch friends. It's scary how accurate they are. I don't remember the meaning for the first one but it was:

Trees of wands

Eight of rings 

I don't remember

The king 

Apparently they mean that: I've come from a bad mindset, I've improved a lot and so this is the best time for me to make new friends or intimate partners, I don't talk about my problems to people, and that leads to impulsive, destructive and immature behavior. Spooky.

I'm thinking about being more open about my past. I want to tell people, but it's scary having to say that I was bullied. I don't want to upset people if I tell them that I had planned to commit suicide, and I'm scared they'll be disgusted by me if I tell them that I self harm. I've mentioned my anxiety problems before, and I've had a few panic attacks in school, but I don't really say anything beyond that. I want to be able to talk about my problems freely like everyone else. It might be easier for people to understand my actions better.

That's all for now.