I'm trying to improve myself now. I had a whole meltdown over text for my 'friend', because I knew that they didn't really like me. I've always had that 'people pleaser' part of me. I want everyone to like me. Except maybe online. I don't really care about my image online because it's just what I used to feel numb.

That's what I want to talk about now.

I don't want to feel numb right now. I'm not numb or dull. For ages I've wanted to go back to feeling nothing, because feeling things means you get hurt and lose things that are important to you. But now, I want to feel and be aware. I want to actually do stuff. I'm working on a project for this thing, a fake anime intro. I don't really watch anime anymore, but here I am.

I'm an öpair as well. I have it for two weeks. It makes me feel responsible and like, productive. So does the project.

I made plans with someone. Her name's Tracy. I started out thinking she was really egotistical and full of herself, but hanging out with her revealed more about her. We're pretty similar with our pasts and how we deal with them.

I feel like I'm supposed to be scared of that, but I'm not. I know that almost all my friendships with people have started out the way I'm starting with Tracy, and they've all hurt me in the end. A lot of people have hurt me. Wow I said that. And I'm not guilty about it either. Wow

But I'm not scared of her, or starting a new relationship in general, platonic or romantic. I'm just relieved right now. I feel new. I'm not rotting right now, and I don't think I'll be rotting again soon.

I've separated myself from my bad thoughts. Like, into a separate vessel who talks to me. That's probably from watching too much sanders sides. It's actually worked in a way. I no longer inhabit my bad thoughts. I've always had the habit of talking to myself, but in the last two years it's turned into saying how awful I am out loud. Now, I listen to her saying that and think 'is this bitch for real?'. It's working. I'm sarcastic with her, and then when she's genuinely scared about something, I just help her out and calm down.

I'm wearing clothes I like, and taking care of myself. I'm going to sleep at reasonable times, and drinking the tea that helps me sleep. Now I look healthy and bright. It's stopped the rotting altogether. 

I'm feeling okay. I don't want to hurt myself