I've been known in my family for getting myself into toxic relationships. My therapist used to tell me that I was being pretty self destructive by acting the way I did. 

There was Eva, who honestly didn't do anything wrong, I just ended up having a massive crush on her. We were both the 2/3 social outcasts of our entire year. (This was in my old school).

We were both so lonely, and just so fucking tired of everyone's bullshit. I had already seen her a few times, and thought she was really cool. We ended up getting paired together (more so I rushed to sit next to her) during this 'Mental Health Day', when all the 1st year classes merged together for the day. We ended up becoming good friends. 

I started to become friends with some of the boys in our year. We'd play shitty mobile horror games while we waited for study to start.

The thing is, since Eva and I were both really isolated from the rest of the world, I became scared to make new friends. It meant less time with Eva, and that meant she'd be all alone. So I just, like, didn't make friends until she did.

Eventually she got a boyfriend (I'm not surprised she's so cool), and I had a meltdown for like 4 months. I'm over the crush now, and we have a healthy relationship as friends.

Then there's Maurice. 

Maurice and I were friends in 6th class. I was a class above him, but we hung out at break. We were 2 in 6 of our friend group. It was really fun hanging out with the group, but not exactly with him specifically. We'd hang out alone for 5-7 hours on the weekends. Since he's an only child, he has a lot of time. 

Of course, I enjoyed hanging out with him, but he definitely had his moments. No not moments. This happens all the time what the fuck am I saying. He's mean. He makes me feel bad about myself all the time. When I went into 1st year, I didn't have much time to talk to him. I literally got home at 9pm. He told me to quit study so we could hang, but I always said no. He makes fun of my hair, my anxiety, my depression, my lack of social skills, and my mistakes. He calls me fat, and guilt trips me into hanging out with him. I've been struggling so much to get out of this endless circle of drama, but he willingly goes in so he can have some ammo.

I don't want to cut it off with him and I hate admitting it. Everyone who's ever known him has told me that he's manipulative, but he's been there for so long. He's bullied, but it was because he was mean to people, not because he didn't fit in. I can't let him be alone, but he always regrets my offer to help him meet people. 

I'm moving on from him

I might continue this. I might not. I was planning to talk about the most recent thing that's happened to me, but he's been on my mind for too long now.