A while ago, I was diagnosed with insomnia. They didn't tell me why I had it, or how to fix it, but the doctors at Khan's have a bad reputation anyway. At least from the other kids who I know where diagnosed with shit. I might get into that later though.

My best guess for where the insomnia came from is likely because of the 'miLd DePpReSsIVe DiSoRdEr', as they so kindly put it. It's likely either from that, or from purposely making myself stay up late because I don't deserve sleep.

I'm guessing it's the second one, because I don't think I actually have mild depression anymore.

It doesn't really matter I guess. I just want it gone.

My mom said she would get melatonin tablets, but never did. She probably didn't want to give her kid drugs or something (even though it's basically like drinking warm milk), because she knew I would abuse it.

Now, like 5 months later, we're talking about medical marijuana.

I'm pretty sure would abuse it, especially since I'm on withdrawal for self harm oh shit I've reminded myself now. Fuck. Welp, this is gonna get wild.

My arms have been at me for ages now. I really hate it. It's like being able to nearly taste success or a delicious food or something, but like, for your arms.

Jfc I probably sound as high as a kite right now.

B a c k  o n  t r a c k.

I don't sleep at the recommended time, obviously. I'll fall asleep from 12:00-3:00am. If I do actually manage to fall asleep at the right time, then I wake up at around 4:00 and I'll stay up, or my sleep won't energize me in any way, and it'll be restless. 

I've taken to browsing through social media or something to distract me from the illusions I get sometimes.

I wouldn't call it full on hallucinating, but once or twice a week I'll see monsters or the grandparents from 'The Visit' or something I'm scared of in my room. Just a quick glimpse before I snap back to reality. It's terrifying.

Sometimes, I'll try to close my eyes and hide under the covers, and I'll imagine falling onto a sidewalk or kissing a girl, and I suddenly jump up or shield my body. It's like half dreaming.

This combination of half dreaming and snap backs makes a great recipe for fear of the dark.

I cant stay in a dark space for too long, with or without people, or else I end up crying or something stupid like that. I also have to stay pressed up against a wall or furniture in public, because I'll get waves of fear from the monsters.

It doesn't help that the monsters and scary shit appears in my dreams as well.

When I do sleep, it's usually restless. Restless sleep makes me a light sleeper, but it also gives me vivid dreams. That means everything I'm scared of follows me. I used to get nightmares a lot, but now my dreams are more realistic when it comes to fear.

In my dreams, I solve my problems that I have in real life, and then all of a sudden everything goes wrong and I make a sacrifice I didn't want to make. Maybe a monster will show up, or I'll be late for school and I'll forget everything. 

The worst dream I've ever had though, is when I solved all my problems in first year. As in, I fixed everything. The bullying didn't even happen. I was never pushed into a tree and told to eat bugs. I met Eva and we still became friends, but we were accepted and treated like everyone else. I hung out with the girls, not just the boys, and everyone thought that I was strong and creative and funny.

It just made me realize everything I did wrong. It was everything I could have had, but never got. It was everything I wanted to happen, and everything I wished had happened, laid out before me on a silver platter. And I couldn't have it, because it was too late to change the past.

A lot of times, my dreams are so realistic that I'll wake up, continue about my day, and then 30 minutes later realize that the entire week I'd played through wasn't real. That's what happened with the Rockwell dream. It destroyed me all over again when I realized.

It wasn't just the small disappointment or the relief I felt with the other dreams. It was hit over my head like a lead plate. It's making me tear up just thinking about it, fuck. This is embarrassing and no one can even see me crying.

Yep. I'm done now bye.